Tag Archives: cunnilingus

5 Things You Should Know about Oral Sex

Ah, oral sex … the first posts I wrote about it were oh-so-popular. I mean, really — a Christian wife talking about “blow jobs”? Yet, it’s been a while since I revisited this topic.

Now if you want my best tips on giving and receiving oral sex, check out my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, in which I have a whole chapter just talking about this particular form of sexual intimacy.

Hot, Holy, and Humorous book cover

But today, I thought I’d cover five things you should know about oral sex — especially for those who have been reluctant to try it (or try it again, as the case may be).

Blog post title with the number 5 as a graphic

1. The Bible doesn’t prohibit oral sex, and may even mention it.

For those who think, Oral sex isn’t okay with God!, ask yourself why you think that. Actually, there’s no prohibition against oral sex in the Bible. Indeed, some scholars believe that the lovers mention oral sex poetically in Song of Songs with these verses:

Wife to husband: “Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste” (2:3).

Husband to wife: “Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere. Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits” (4:16).

If you don’t buy that those refer to oral sex, how about this passage?

I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride;
I have gathered my myrrh with my spice.
I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey;
I have drunk my wine and my milk.

Eat, friends, and drink;
drink your fill of love (5:1).

A better translation of that last line is “be drunk with love!” (ESV). And that last line is either a group of friends or God Himself speaking, with the message regardless that you can indulge in sexual delights with your spouse. Oral sex is an indulgence, but it’s not prohibited and perhaps here even encouraged.

2. Oral sex isn’t all or nothing.

One of the biggest objections I hear from wives in particular is that they don’t want to put the whole sausage, to speak, in their mouths. Or they don’t want to swallow. Or they don’t want to have his semen in their mouth. To which I say, then don’t. Oral sex is simply stimulating your spouse’s genitals with your mouth, lips or tongue. That’s it — no other requirement necessary. For example, you can lick his shaft, and that’s oral sex. Believe me, a lot of husbands would welcome that. (See What Does He Mean by “Oral Sex”? (It May Not Be What You Think).)

On the other side, husbands reading this, it still counts if she doesn’t swallow. (Yeah, don’t write me your sob story about how life is meaningless because your wife’s gag reflex prevents her from drinking your semen. I’m not buying it.) Oral sex doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You can enjoy what works for you both, and over time some other options might open up.

3. Oral sex is mostly hygienic.

Yes, I put mostly, because it’s possible to transmit bacteria or a virus from mouth-to-genital and vice versa. Both your mouths and genitalia should be free of any lesions, sores, or wounds. Most of the warnings about lack of hygiene with oral sex presumes multiple sex and unknown status of sexually transmitted infections. In marriage, however, we have the benefit of a single partner and, hopefully, open communication about our health status.

But as long as neither of you is experiencing an infection in your mouth or on your genitals, oral sex is basically just a mouth on skin. Albeit very sensitive skin. In which case, the only caveat is to wash up! Male semen and female lubrication won’t damage you, and — for those who are worried — urine is extremely unlikely to leak out at that time.

4. The best way to improve the taste down there is healthy living.

Sex Chat for Christian Wives logo + episode titleI mentioned this in the latest episode of our Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast, but when recently asked about how to improve the taste of sexual fluids, I did a lot of research. While you can find various tips and “tricks” online to presumably help, the real answer for addressing the taste and smell of semen or female lubrication is healthy living habits:

  • Don’t smoke
  • Drink alcohol in moderation
  • Hydrate with plenty of water
  • Eat more fruits and vegetables
  • Stick to a healthy diet

Yep, that’s it. Just take care of the body God gave you in the manner you should, and one benefit is that oral sex will taste better. How’s that for a reward?

5. Oral sex is one of the best ways for her to reach climax.

For a woman to reach climax, she must have sufficient stimulation of the clitoris. Somewhere from a third to a half of women don’t, and in some cases can’t, experience orgasm through intercourse alone.

So let’s engage in little anatomy lesson. The clitoris is a wishbone-shaped organ, with the merged tip appearing as the clitoral head.

3d printed female sex organ clitoris for human anatomy lessons

The unseen part of the clitoris (the wishbone “legs”) run down the length of the vulva on either side of the vagina and can be indirectly stimulated with hands or mouth and during intercourse. But the head sticks out near the front of the vaginal lips as a knob of flesh and can be directly stimulated. Like with a tongue. Yes, a hand will work too, but the mouth also has the benefit of providing moisture at the same time. So it’s really one of the best ways for a wife to get to that elusive Big O.

Look, you don’t have to have oral sex in your marriage. But many marriages have found a benefit in including this practice in their sexual repertoire. It might be worth discussing with your spouse to see what they like, what they don’t like, and what oral activities you can mutually agree to try.

 

Sources: Kontula, Osmo, and Anneli Miettinen. “Determinants of female sexual orgasms.” Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology. 2016. Accessed January 07, 2018; Herbenick, D., T. J. Fu, J. Arter, S. A. Sanders, and B. Dodge. “Women’s Experiences With Genital Touching, Sexual Pleasure, and Orgasm: Results From a U.S. Probability Sample of Women Ages 18 to 94.” Journal of sex & marital therapy. Accessed January 07, 2018. 

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Oral Sex: Better to Give and Receive, Part Deux

Quick note: One very clinical illustration below may still make this post unsafe for viewing at your workplace. Just wanted to give fair warning.

In my last post, I introduced the topic of cunnilingus — that is, oral sex performed on a woman. I discussed whether this practice is okay with God and why a married couple might want to engage in it. Today I’m covering the more practical side: If you do have oral sex, how can a wife make it feel as good as possible?

Meanwhile, at this point, I think I need to get the t-shirt. What do you think?

Oh no, you didn't! t-shirt
from Spreadshirt.com

What do you need to do to enjoy receiving oral sex? Just “lie back and think of tinglin’? Sort of. Yes. What I mean is that you need to relax. A wife who has never engaged in or been unable to enjoy receiving oral sex may tense when her husband starts to “go down” on her. We have all kinds of thoughts: Do I want his mouth on my girly parts? Is this clean? What do I smell like down there? What do I look like down there? Eyes up here, buddy; don’t look at my thunder thighs! Does this make me a slut? What does God think of this? What do I think of this?

If those are the wife’s thoughts (and many more because our brains are like tidal waves much of the time), here is what the husband is thinking: Sex. Wife. Vulva. Sweet. Love.

If only we could live in a guy brain for a minute or two, we could relax too.

Much like I suggested in my post about how to orgasm (If Only I Could O), you have to shut off the distractions, train yourself to open up to the sensations your body is feeling, and go with the flow. Let your husband turn you on. When you open your body up to him and to sexual pleasure, you are beautiful and sexy to him.

How can you help it go well? Learn your body. Know your anatomy and where it is likely to feel good. Below is a diagram of a woman’s genitals for your information. (Believe me when I say that I look for the most clinical diagram I can find to avoid any visual titillation here.) The most pleasurable part of a woman’s anatomy is the clitoris, a knobby bit of flesh at the top of the genitalia. Doctors and researchers report that this area must be stimulated directly or indirectly for a woman to orgasm. But the labia minora are also quite sensitive to touch.

Female genitals illustration

pic from American Academy of Pediatrics

As you think about what feels good, give directions. Not as in, “a little to the left, buddy. No, not there! Ouch. Can’t you do anything right? The left, the left!” Gently let your husband know what feels good. You can moan, groan, whisper, ooh, aah, talk, gyrate, purr, or even roar — whatever suits your fancy. You can adjust his head so that his lips and tongue contact you in a delightful place. You can use your hand to open up your vaginal lips and give him more direct access. Some wives (and husbands) swear by shaving or waxing that area to increase sensation and arousal (see Trimming the Hedges); some wives are not comfortable with that. Also, you might want to take a bath or shower beforehand to make sure everything is clean down there and smells nice.

You may wish to talk to your husband ahead of time. Let him know he needs to go slow. It does not feel good to most wives to have hubby go down and start brashly licking or sucking the clitoris. We need time to build up. He can begin by kissing your lips, your body, your thighs, and then move to the genital area. The lips and tongue should be used to tease for a while before pressure is increased. After a while of slow stimulation, you may want him to increase the speed and/or pressure of his mouth’s action against your skin.

Will you climax? Maybe. Cunnilingus is one of the easier ways for a woman to experience an orgasm — because the focus is on her and the clitoris can receive direct stimulation. Whether you climax or not, oral sex is likely to feel good to most wives who wish to have the experience.

Some couples use oral sex as foreplay. In fact, when a wife approaches climax, she may feel a strong desire for penetration. You can allow climax to occur during oral stimulation from your husband or move to intercourse and perhaps experience an orgasm after entry. For women, there are no guarantees for having an orgasm during sexual encounters. In fact, that’s not the purpose of marital intimacy. It is about closeness and pleasure. The paradox is that if you focus on your relationship and pleasurable sensations, you are more likely to have that orgasm.

Now I know I will get comments to this post! I want to say how tickled I was at the tone of the comments for my “blow job” post. Those who commented were respectful, frank, helpful, encouraging, and not inappropriately graphic. So what do you have to say on this subject? What do you like or dislike about oral sex? Have you tried cunnilingus in your marriage? And husbands, please share what you enjoy about the experience.

Oral Sex: Better to Give and Receive, Volume 1

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post titled Oral Sex: How To in which I gave some tips to wives for giving a “blow job.” In the comments, it was suggested more than once that I discuss how wives can enjoy being on the receiving end of oral sex.

Since I treated you last time to the internal dialogue I had before writing about fellatio, how about another peek into my brain? (Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

Self 1: What should I call this post?

Self 2: How about “Lie Back and Think of England?”

Self 1: No. “Lie back and think of England” is what that crazy Brit lady said to make women think sex isn’t enjoyable. How about “Lie Back and Think of Tinglin'”? That’s more like it!

Self 2: Seriously?

Self 1: Sorta seriously. I could just call it “Goin’ Down.” Bow chicka wow-wow.

Self 2: You are going down . . . into the gutter, girlfriend. What’s wrong with you?

Self 1: Quite a few things. For one, I can’t cook all that well. Plus, my nose is kind of big. And my–

Self 2: No, no. I mean, why do you always joke about sex?

Self 1: Um . . . ’cause it’s funny?

Self 2: You think sex is funny?

Self 1: Don’t you? Hey, I’m about to tell a group of Christian wives why spreading their legs and letting hubbies’ mouths touch their private parts can be kinda nice. I’m even going to mention how it’s actually in the Bible! I sure didn’t know that when I was a teen. If that had been mentioned in my “becoming a woman” Bible class, I would have fallen out of my chair from embarrassment or laughter — or both.

Self 2: You’re digressing. How about “Oral Sex: Better to Give and Receive”?

Self 1: I like it! Let’s go.

Wonder Woman: "Oh no you didn't!"

Oh yes, I did. Again.

Believe it or not, a lot of hubbies would like to get their wives tinglin’ down there. Several husbands have reported being physically aroused and emotionally moved by the openness of their wives when they can give oral sex.

But plenty of wives are nervous, resistant, or downright opposed to receiving cunnilingus (the scientific term for a woman receiving oral sex). For whatever reason, the idea of their husband’s mouth on their privates does not sound appealing. As before — with fellatio — I’m going to give some basic information. Perhaps after learning more about it, you may open up to the experience — figuratively and literally.

Is oral sex in marriage okay with God? This was discussed in the comments section in my first Oral Sex post. I have studied this question, and here are my conclusions.

According to most modern biblical scholars, the Song of Songs is about the sexual love between a married couple. In this Old Testament book, preserved as part of the holy scriptures, specific sexual acts are described. There appear to be at least two references to oral sex within — the first woman to man, the second man to woman.

“Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.” Song of Solomon 2:3

“Awake, O north wind, and come, wind of the south; make my garden breathe out fragrance, let its spices be wafted abroad. May my beloved come into his garden and eat its choice fruits!” Song of Solomon 4:16

Moreover, there is nothing inherently harmful about oral sex. There isn’t much research into the composition or possible health benefits, but a wife’s natural lubricant appears to be okay for her husband to ingest. The contact of lips and tongue to genitals is not far different from hands or fingers on genitals. No stretching or painful penetration is part of the process. The one caveat is that sexually transmitted diseases and infections can be passed by oral-genital contact, so if that is an issue in your marriage, be aware.

(Note: Some have compared oral and anal sex. There is no comparison. The rectum contains harmful bacteria, is not designed for penetration, and usually involves pain for the woman. That practice has been covered in my post, Uh, No.)

With possible biblical precedent and no harmful physical effects, what are the objections to oral sex? Some believe it is simply unnatural to engage in sex that doesn’t involve penetration. However, sexual encounters involve foreplay which isn’t penetration. This is simply touching of another sort. Some believe it is unnatural because it is portrayed in pornography. Well, so is penetration. While I strongly warn against viewing pornography and attempting to copy what is seen there, there are plenty of people who have never seen it in a porn film and engage in fellatio and cunnilingus. They didn’t get the idea from porn. Also, Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage has pointed out that kissing one another’s bodies is quite all right. So where do the lips stop kissing? Must they stop before reaching genitalia? Inner thigh okay? Vulva not? Without biblical, health, or practical reasons, I don’t see why that area is forbidden.

Of course, you must decide for yourself and live out your life in good conscience before God. I merely suggest that you don’t allow preconceived notions to decide for you. Search it out for yourself. Decide based on the merits whether oral sex will be on your marital intimacy menu.

I honestly believe that God is fine with it being a part of the entire sexual experience, which does include penetration as the pinnacle of merging ourselves together as one flesh.

What’s so pleasurable about oral sex? First of all, the focus is the wife. While I believe that sex should be mutually satisfying, there are benefits to focusing on one spouse or the other from time to time. In fact, it is satisfying to many spouses to give intense pleasure to their partner. I enjoy turning my husband on, and from what I’ve heard, husbands get a big kick out of getting their wife’s engine purring.

Second, it is a different and delicate sensation. I’m back to my frozen treat example. Have you ever held an ice cream cone and eaten it this way and that way? You can slurp with your tongue all the way across; give little licks along the edge or at the whipped top; suck the cream with your mouth; twirl your tongue around; brush your lips against the coolness; come at the ice cream straight on, sideways, or from any angle. Your mouth is a handy tool. Now imagine you, lovely wife, are the ice cream. Can you see why that might feel good?

Third, your husband likes that perspective. For one thing, your husband’s eyes are close to his mouth, and he can see what he’s doing, gauge your body’s response, and revel in your pleasure. Let me cite some husbands’ comments from my other post:

“She is totally open to me and I am giving her incredible pleasure.”
“She is then totally open, giving herself totally over to me.”
“I’ve . . . always loved giving my wife oral (sexually, it is probably my favorite thing to do).”
“I am a husband who loves going down on my wife. I really enjoy experiencing her orgasm from that perspective, it is truly amazing.”

Fourth, it is one of the easier ways for a woman to orgasm. Because the husband can directly stimulate the clitoris, the mouth provides lubrication with saliva, and the mouth can vary in intensity, many wives report experiencing climax during oral sex. Stimulation of the clitoris — the woman’s pleasure center — is necessary for her to experience orgasm. With vaginal penetration, that stimulation is indirect. (That said, I personally think orgasm during intercourse is uber-pleasurable, but we can discuss that another time.) Some wives even enjoy receiving an orgasm through oral sex and then finishing off the experience with penetration by the husband.

What if you just don’t wanna? If the thought of receiving oral sex sickens you, is against your conscience, or you simply don’t enjoy the experience, don’t do it. Godly sexuality is never about forcing or demanding sexual acts from your spouse. If you don’t want to have oral sex, don’t. Find other activities that are mutually pleasurable. The beauty of intimacy in marriage is that, while there are some restrictions, there is a substantial amount of freedom. You can spend the next fifty years getting to know one another’s bodies and engaging in physical intimacy that makes your body tingle, your heart pump, and your connection deepen.

In my next post, I’ll be giving more of the “how to” for wives — what you need to do to enjoy oral sex and what you can do to help it feel good.

Congratulations to Cat, who commented last week on Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex: A Review. I enter 42 names in the hat, and hers was randomly chosen to receive the giveaway copy of The Good GIrl’s Guide to Great Sex provided by Sheila’s publisher, Zondervan.

A few sources I looked at while writing this article: Song of Songs (NIV); The Intimate Couple – Is Oral Sex Okay; ChristianAnswers.net -Is Oral Sex Biblically Wrong within Marriage?; The Phrase Finder – The Origin of Lie Back and Think of England