Tag Archives: difficulty reaching orgasm

Q&A with J: How Do I Express What I Want in Bed?

Last week, we talked some about difficulty reaching orgasm, and we’re back at it again today. But it’s a different issue with this wife, who needs some specific tips. Read on:

Do you have any tips for communicating with your husband during intercourse? Hubby and I have been married less than two years, and with most of that entailing some pretty serious physical issues, let’s just say orgasms for me have been hard to come by. We’re finally getting back on track, but still struggling with getting me “across the finish line.” I know we’re supposed to give our husbands in-the-moment feedback, but I literally can’t even figure out how to use words to describe what I want! And what words I can come up with, just the act of thinking and then speaking completely derails any momentum we had going, so end up either frustrated or bored trying to figure out how quickly I can wrap things up! I have tried guiding hubby’s hands but that ends up being more awkward and cumbersome than trying to speak! We talk outside of the bedroom, and I still have a hard time conveying specifically what I might want. And when I tell DH to try changing things up or experimenting a little, he seems to just go back to exactly what he’s used to doing! i love my husband dearly, but it’s like if I don’t give him point by point (by point by point by point) instructions he will always default to the same non-effective thing. Is it really completely my job to completely figure out and explain everything? (If you say yes I’ll believe you J ūüôā any tips for us?

Fessing up, I think communicating verbally during sex is one of the most awkward things I’ve done. Have you ever watched a lovemaking scene on-screen where someone said, “Hold on, I need you to move your hand a little to the left. Okay, there. Softer”? No. No, you have not. What do the scripts say?¬†“I love you,” “You’re beautiful,” “You’re my soul mate,” etc.

And that’s all great. But sometimes you’re right in the throes of passion and intensity is building, and you know ‚ÄĒ just know ‚ÄĒ that if he could touch you differently, just a bit, you’d plunge into the orgasm pool¬†with a great big¬†aaaaah. So how do you help him know what brings you the greatest pleasure?

Let’s start with the last question this reader asked:¬†Is it really completely my job to completely figure out and explain everything?¬†No, it’s not. Ideally, you figure out together what works best for you. For instance, even though I’ve encouraged women to explore their own sexual organs to see what feels good so they can then translate that knowledge into the marriage bed, your hand and his hand feel different. So you still have some discovery to do¬†together.

This is actually pretty cool, the way God designed sex. Rather than viewing it as an obstacle, it’s an opportunity take a guided tour of your spouse’s body and explore this amazing territory.¬†What happens when I touch you like this? Do you like it when I kiss you here? How about here? What are your most sensitive places? How can I stir your sensuality and satisfy your senses? What can I do to take you over the edge?

So how do you do experiment and find out what works?¬†Because that’s the first step. You can’t tell somehow what you like if you’ve had no experience with what you like. And it sounds like you two are doing this in the midst of making love. Maybe you need to step back, put intercourse on the back burner for a bit, and actually have a session of exploration, experimentation, and experience.

When you’re not focused on having intercourse or reaching an orgasm, you can slow down, take your time, and see what feels good. If you can swing it, it might be worth you stripping down but him leaving on his clothes, so that the focus is totally on you and your pleasure. Do this once, twice, or a few times, and it might be rather eye-opening for you both.

But even when you’re in the middle of exploration or foreplay,¬†how do you know what you want? Do you really want more pressure or less? To be touched higher or lower? To have him go slower or faster? This is a mindfulness exercise for us women. We have to be very focused on what’s happening with our bodies. We have to mentally concentrate on the sensations we’re feeling and then think,¬†What might feel even better?

It’s often very intentional at first. You purposefully set out to think about what you’re feeling, what might feel good, ask for that, then adjust ‚ÄĒ moment by moment, touch by touch. But it’s like learning anything else: after a while, you get better and know more quickly and intuitively what you like. Also, most husbands begin to read their wives better, recognizing certain kinds of tension in her body or sounds she’s making indicate greater pleasure.

But what words do you use?¬†It depends somewhat on your own communication style. But, like you, I’ve found that forming words during lovemaking can be difficult at times. So I think a limited vocabulary can help in getting what you want. Keep it to single words and short phrases you can quickly get out and he can quickly respond to. Like¬†softer, harder, faster, slower, up, down, deeper,¬†etc.

Mind you, you might have to use opposite words in a row. Like if you say¬†harder and he gets too rough, you’ll need to say¬†softer to get him to back off¬†little. By the way, hubbies, this is¬†not a critique of your sexual performance. We’re actually more impressed with your lovemaking when you’re willing to listen to our suggestions and help us figure out how we can experience the most pleasure. Good lovers listen and learn.

Good lovers listen and learn. Click To Tweet

What about your momentum? Yeah, it’s interrupted. Once again … at first. When you start talking during lovemaking, it feels awkward and can disrupt your flow. But trust the process. Just because you’re playing scales now doesn’t mean you won’t be mastering Bach tomorrow. In fact, you have to play the scales first.

So let it be awkward. Even be playful about it.¬†Faster, slower, there ‚ÄĒ yeah, baby¬†[insert giggle here]. Feeling free enough to be a little off-kilter in the moment with your spouse increases intimacy. Because you’re sharing in this discovery, these private moments, and your eventual success.

One final thought: It’s okay to add yourself to this mix. I have encouraged wives to simply move his hand where you want it (hard to ignore that signal). But you can also put your own hand where you want to be touched and say here. Or even take over the direct stimulation, so that he can do something else that arouses you ‚ÄĒ and together, you bring yourself to climax. Not only is that okay, some husbands find it exciting to see their wives touch themselves. It shows them how¬†into it she is.

I believe you can make this work and experience intimate lovemaking and amazing climaxes. May God bless your efforts!

Q&A with J: Does He Know How Your Orgasm Works?

Just so y’all know where my Q&As are, my email inbox is full with stories and questions. I¬†read all of them, I pray about you, and I wish I could answer every one of you. But I can’t get to every one. If you have a severe issue in your marriage, keep pursuing answers and find help where you can get it ‚ÄĒ your personal physician, local pastor, or Christian counselor.

With that in mind, today’s question has been sitting in my inbox for months. But I’m eager to answer today, because this wife’s story illuminates some challenges in many marriage beds:

I have been married almost 8yrs and have never had an orgasm, this is frustrating to both me and my husband because he feels like he isn’t good enough and that he isn’t pleasing me. Even though I tell him time and time again that I do enjoy sex, and I do get a lot of pleasure even though I don’t orgasm. Sometimes I feel such intense pleasure that I think I’m going to and nothing happens, and he finishes, sometimes I feel like if he could last a little longer that maybe I could orgasm, but I don’t know (he wants to get a fleshlight to try some exercise to make him last longer but I don’t feel comfortable with it). I feel like he has given up on me, that he doesn’t even try to please me anymore, that sex is all for him and it makes me want to cry, there is hardly any foreplay anymore. I tried to talk to him, to tell him that I need foreplay to get wet, and I tried to explain that I read that some women need a lot of foreplay and clitoral stimulation to orgasm and that I want to try some new things. He took this as me being selfish and only wanting to do what I want by saying “I need this” that I only care about my pleasure and not his. But he does get pleasure and he does orgasm and I don’t, I just want to try to orgasm. He told me to try masturbating but I just don’t feel comfortable doing that because of how I was raised. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even want to bring it up to him anymore because I don’t want to upset him (he suffers from depression and self esteem issues, no he is not abusive).

Q&A-with-J-Does-He-Know-How-Your-Orgasm-Works with woman's hand grasping edge of bed

Starting with her issues about reaching orgasm, let me first share some of what I’ve written about that topic, and you can read whichever posts seem to apply to your situation:

What’s So Great about an Orgasm?

Why I Sometimes Don’t Care about the Orgasm

But I Still Can’t Orgasm! What Next?

Q&A with J: “I Just Can’t Seem to Orgasm”

Q&A with J: Your Pleasure & Orgasm Matter

Julie Sibert of¬†Intimacy in Marriage also keeps a running list of posts about orgasm on her aptly named The Orgasm Page. It’s a terrific resource.

And the best treatment I have about reaching climax is in my book,¬†Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, where I walk through attitude, technique, and tips to help you achieve that marvelous peak of pleasure.

Now in this question, there seems to be a core issue that the husband doesn’t really understand how his wife’s orgasm works. And I hear that a lot.

Your spouse’s arousal isn’t like yours.¬†We walk through life with the lens of our own experience coloring everything we see. When it’s relatively easy for you to orgasm, it can be hard to understand why it’s so difficult for your spouse. It takes intentionality and empathy to imagine what someone else is going through and to respond accordingly. But the beauty of God’s design is that you are required to get to know each other better, more intimately, to experience all the pleasure you can have in your marriage bed.

And it sounds to me like hubby just doesn’t know what her orgasm looks like. Because it isn’t like his. Or like he’s heard. Or even experienced with someone else. (I don’t know their history).

Once the wife learns more about how her pleasure and climax work (see resources above), then she can better teach her husband. But ultimately, it requires patience, communication, openness, exploration, and respect. Yep, respect. Respect that the wife’s body is its own beautiful creation and needs to be treated with wonder and, at times, perseverance.

Now I understand the appeal of a sex toy to help things out. That’s what a Fleshlight is, for those who don’t know. It’s a toy that simulates a vagina for a man to “practice” increasing his stamina. But in addition to my objections about the Fleshlight website (don’t go there‚ÄĒthe “eye candy” is bad for you), I doubt this will achieve what you want. Because while it might increase his stamina, it still doesn’t help him figure out what works for¬†your body. And your¬†issue doesn’t seem to be him not lasting long enough. (By the way, if stamina is an issue, there are several techniques¬†you can use to increase his time to climax.)

Also, while masturbating might get you there, ideally you want to experience him giving you such pleasure that you reach orgasm. I’m not opposed to adding your hand to the mix during a sexual encounter to finish out strong, but it is a lovely feeling to have your beloved husband get you all the way there.

With all that in mind, here’s what your husband needs to know about your orgasm. (You can even highlight and print the following and then hand it to him as a summary.)

Wanting orgasm isn’t selfish. God intended for both spouses to experience a great deal of physical pleasure and emotional bonding during the sex act. And while neither spouse has to climax every single time, it should be a regular occurrence that both of you complete your pleasure with that exciting peak. What’s selfish is to expect to achieve orgasm after orgasm after orgasm while your spouse pines to have even one.

Women usually don’t know their sexual organs as well as men know theirs. It’s a fact of life that men have easy access to their sexual organ from infancy, and they are intimately familiar with what it looks like, how it feels, and what it does. Women are more mysterious ‚ÄĒ with their sexual organs tucked in like the interior of a flower that must bloom for you to see and experience the beauty fully. Meaning we’ve got a learning curve to figure out how our bodies best respond sexually, and a husband can help a great deal with exploring and discovering all of her natural wonders.

It takes you a lot longer than it takes him. Typically, that’s true. Not necessarily once you’re both in the throes of passion, but most wives take longer to heat up to that point. We need romance, arousal, foreplay, pleasure. It’s why the number one tip I give husbands over and over is¬†slow down.

Vaginal orgasms are the hardest to reach. Penetration is the best way for a man to climax, but not for a woman. Stimulation of the clitoris is required for a wife to reach orgasm. However, that stimulation is indirect during sexual intercourse, while it can be directly applied with manual play for her or oral sex. If you want a man’s view of how to approach things, Paul Byerly of Generous Husband has a detailed post for husbands on performing orgasmic massage.

Hopefully, that information and all the links in this post will help.

Finally, I know that you “don’t even want to bring it up to him anymore because I don’t want to upset him.” But what’s the alternative? Are you planning to continue the status quo? Because that seems rather unacceptable.

God wants you both to experience pleasure in the marriage bed, including the orgasm. Maybe you could read my post on talking to your spouse about sexual problems and figure out a way to bring up the subject gently, supportively, lovingly.

Q&A with J: He Wishes I Could Orgasm More

Today’s question is from a recently married wife.

Orgasms have always been difficult for me. I’ve probably had a dozen or so in nine months of daily sex. Now, this doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying sex — far from it! I absolutely love, and get a lot of pleasure from, our intimate times. But while I can get up to, say, an 8 out of 10 on a scale of “Brushing Your Teeth” to “Screaming Orgasm,” it’s pretty rare for me to actually tip over the edge. But I’ve found that one of the surest ways to enjoy sex LESS and be LESS able to get there in the end is to worry about whether or not I’m going to get there in the end. I’m happy most of the time just to relax, have a good time naked with my awesome hot husband, and let things happen (or not) as they will. I’m confident that as we learn to care for each other even better sexually in the coming months and years of our marriage, it’ll get easier for me to have orgasms.

So what’s the issue, then, you may be asking? Well, it’s my sweet, selfless husband, who feels absolutely terrible about the fact that he has 20 orgasms for every one I have. He’s told me he feels selfish, and like it’s unfair. I keep insisting that I’m having an awesome time, that I love having sex with him, and that I need to relax and not spend the first 30 minutes of sex worried about the last 30 seconds. But he still feels anxious and disappointed and, I think, a bit like he’s letting me down or failing me.

What should I do? Should I start… I don’t know, recommending books to him on how to bring a woman to orgasm? Are there such things from a Christian perspective, or that at least aren’t all about impressing your latest partner? Or do I just keep plugging away with the encouragement? I know it’s a bit silly to be writing in for advice because my husband is just too focused on my pleasure (and I can hear the folks in the comments section rolling their eyes now, haha!), but I really don’t know how best to approach it.

Q&A with J: He Wishes I Could Orgasm More

I’m not rolling my eyes, because I can see how this could cause some issues in the marriage. Yes, of course it’s awesome that her husband wants her to experience the mind-shattering climaxes, but not having those every time makes him feel like she’s missing out and then she’s wondering why she can’t orgasm more and it makes sex this chasing-the-golden-ring event. When what they both want and should have is an intimate, exciting experience in the marriage bed.

Now I agree she’s¬†not having enough orgasms for all that daily sex, but I’ll get to that a bit later. First, I want to deal with some other issues brought up.

Is it unfair?¬†She says he feels selfish for having so many more climaxes and thinks it’s unfair. It’s pretty clear he’s not selfish, because he’s concerned about her pleasure. But I agree: It is a little unfair. I know plenty of wives who’ve felt this way when they saw how much easier it can be for many guys to become aroused and to reach the apex of pleasure.

However,¬†even though orgasm¬†can take a long time to figure out or even a long time to reach, we ladies can have¬†multiples. And isn’t that a little unfair to the guys? Rather¬†than comparing apples and oranges here, we should appreciate the benefits and drawbacks to the biology we each have. If she skips orgasms from time to time, but has multiples other times, it can even out. But even if it doesn’t, we’re not keeping score.

Why is he anxious? Beyond his obvious desire to pleasure his wife, why else would he feel anxiety? Look, guys partly judge their sexual performance by how great they make their wives feel. If he has a hard time getting her to orgasm, he might take it personally — like there’s something wrong with his sexual prowess.¬†And I’ll be supremely honest here: Maybe he could improve and help her get there more often.

Now much of the time, not orgasming has more to do with the physiological, emotional, and mental factors¬†she has to deal with to reach climax. However, the popular notion¬†that just by virtue of being a guy, he’ll¬†know exactly how to turn you on is just bunk. Our bodies are complex and varied in how they respond.

It doesn’t help that¬†movies and novels make it seems like women almost always climax during sexual intercourse with their man, yet¬†other methods are far more likely to get her there. Since orgasms are tied to stimulation of the clitoris, direct stimulation from manual play and oral sex are often easier ways for wives to reach the Big O.

You can suggest resources to him, but even better is you two seeking them out together. My book,¬†Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, is directed at wives but has a lot of tips you can both put into practice. It also has a whole chapter on reaching orgasm, including those multiples I mentioned.¬†I also recommend¬†Lovemaking by Dan and Linda Wilson¬†and¬†Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman.

But let him know you’re willing to explore and discover what feels especially pleasurable to your body. Not like an All Encompassing Mission, but a playful adventure of trying new things and sharpening your skills together. You want to become experts in one another’s unique bodies. And for that, the best sex classroom is your own marital bedroom.

The best sex classroom is your own marital bedroom. Click To Tweet

Why is he disappointed? I’m not sure about this husband, but I hear generally from hubbies¬†that they get an extra kick of excitement when their wives climax. It really turns them on to see their wives turned on. It wouldn’t be a shocker, then, for this husband to long for her to orgasm more often. Why not watch her reach the peak and fly right over with a big smile on her face? It makes the whole sex experience even better for him.

However,¬†climax¬†isn’t the only indicator of how fabulous sex feels to us gals. Sure, I’m all for rock-the-bed-frame¬†orgasms, but what you describe is what I and other wives have also felt: Sometimes we can be happy to¬†“have a good time naked with my awesome hot husband.” There’s a lot to be said for the vulnerability, closeness, and general pleasure of having sex, even if climax doesn’t happen this time around.

How can you get him to understand? That’s a tougher question. I’ve had some success drawing analogies that my husband would understand. Like for the sports lover: “What if you started playing a game, but got rained out before it finished? Would you feel the whole thing was a waste of time, or would you appreciate the time you got to play?” Or for the video gamer: “Do you feel like you have to win every round you play? Or do you sometimes enjoy just playing for the sake of it?” Not sure those are great, but you get the idea. Come up with your own analogy that he might relate to.

Should you keep plugging away? Your actual question was: “Or do I just keep plugging away with the encouragement?” But I’d say yes to both: encouragement and plugging away (if you know what I mean, *wink*). You’re absolutely right that you don’t need the extra pressure of Must Climax This Time. Trying too hard to reach orgasm can prevent a wife from reaching orgasm.

Keep things light with encouragement that you love the experience, that you enjoy orgasms when they happen, and that you believe you can work together to make your peaks more frequent. Keep reminding him that you like the whole shebang, not just the she-goes-bang. But then plug away with the sexual experience! Help him make small adjustments with his hands or mouth or your angles during intercourse. Speak up for what feels good . . . and what feels even better.

Let’s face it: Your current sex-to-orgasm ratio could be improved. And since orgasm feels so incredibly awesome, why not have more of them? Check out the tips on getting there from my book, go slower with arousal and foreplay, and figure out what makes your body sing.

And yes, I think orgasms will get easier as you grow accustomed to one another’s bodies. After all, according to the famous 10,000-hour Rule, we need about 10,000 hours of deliberate practice to become experts at something. Sure enough, couples report more satisfying sex after a decade or two of being together. Thankfully, you have a lifetime together to get in all that great practice.¬†Enjoy!

Q&A: Faking the Orgasm? It’s Time to Get Real.

Welcome back to another summer installment of Q&A with J.¬†Today’s question is another one many wives can likely relate to. It’s about orgasm:

I need some insight. I’ve been married for almost 2 years and I’ve¬†never had an orgasm. I have always had a very healthy view of sex. I have no history of negative sexual experiences (none at all). I feel like I get plenty relaxed and I truly enjoy it. However I have been faking it since we got married. I know I need to tell him. But how do I approach him about it and what are the chances that I ever will have an orgasm?

Faking the Orgasm? It's Time to Get Real. via Hot, Holy & Humorous

Wives, how many of you have ever faked an orgasm? Raise your hand.

Holy cannoli, that’s a lot of hands.

Sorry, men, but I suspect a lot of women have at one time or another faked an orgasm. Before you all storm the female race and decry us for being deceptive divas, most of the time the intention is a good one. If your wife has faked an orgasm, it could be because she wanted you to know how much she appreciates your efforts to bring her pleasure. It seemed only right for you to be rewarded with a show of how fabulous a lover you are.

Yes, some wives fake orgasm to “get it over with” or keep you happy, but I believe more are truly interested in sending positive signals about sexual intimacy.

I wanted to clear that up before answering this specific wife. Now here’s my advice.

Stop faking. Good intentions or no, you’re lying to your husband. Proverbs 12:19 says, Truthful lips endure forever,¬†but a lying tongue lasts only a moment,” and Colossians 3:9-10 exhorts us, Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.”¬†As your question indicates, you want the kind of marriage relationship built on truth and openness.

Pretending to climax is deceptive, and it’s created this conundrum of what to do now. How do you repair the rift between what’s really happening and what your actions have made him believe? I think the first step is what our Lord often says when we’re in the midst of wrongdoing: Stop it. Just stop. Repentance has been described as stopping where you are and turning around in a different direction. And that’s what needs to happen when you’ve been lying to your husband about anything, including the orgasm. Don’t fake again.

Telling him. You say, “I know I need to tell him.” I am well aware of the admonitions that you must share everything with your spouse.¬†But¬†honesty doesn’t require a full airing of everything you’ve done, felt, and thought in the past. The Scripture strikes a balance between being truthful and being compassionate (see Ephesians 4:25, 29). For instance, sharing with my husband all of my premarital promiscuous past activities would be honest, but how does that build¬†him up? What benefit does it provide?

Consider Psalm 32:5: “Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.’ And you forgave the guilt of my sin.”¬†To God, we must bare ourselves entirely and seek His better way.¬†To others, ask what telling will accomplish. Are you simply wanting to confess because it will make you feel better to get it off your chest? Would he be crushed to find out later you were faking it before? Or more crushed now to find out you’ve been faking? Will sharing your struggle bring you closer together and create a bond of in-this-together?

You might not think so at this point, but I believe the wife should fess up. Still, timing¬†matters. Maybe she should say something now, because then hubby will be on her side in figuring out how to make the real deal happen. Some husbands would respond great to, “I’m so sorry, honey, but I’ve been faking the orgasms. I wanted you to know how much I was enjoying sex, but I shouldn’t have lied that way. I really want to have one, though, so let’s figure it out together. I really think you can get me there.”

Then again, maybe now isn’t the time. Maybe after that first amazing orgasm would be a good time to say, “I’m so sorry, honey. I was lying to you before about orgasms, faking it because I wanted you to know how wonderful you are. I always enjoyed sex, but I will never lie to you again about the orgasm. That one was real, and I loved every second of it. I really want to make that a regular part of our lovemaking.”

So tell him, yeah. But think about when, where, and how. Make sure your words are honest and uplifting. I’m not saying to avoid conversation for fear of conflict (sometimes marriage¬†must go through conflict to reach unity on the other side), merely consider how you approach the topic and be thoroughly loving in your words.

You can orgasm. I’ve seen¬†the statistics on women who have never experienced orgasm. So call me crazy, but short of some real physical hindrance, I think — with intention, patience, and pursuit — every wife reading this post can reach the pinnacle of passion and bellow like a banshee.

“But I haven’t!” you scream at me.

Wait, save the screams for your bedroom. I admit some ladies are orgasm magnets, and others are orgasm-challenged. (That should totally be a thing, right? Orgasm-challenged?) If you’re orgasm-challenged, it’s going to take more effort, but you’re a tough lady so you can handle it. Plus, your husband is likely willing to step up to the challenge.

You’ll need¬†time and practice. Give¬†yourself permission to explore how your body works, what gets you going and keeps you charged, what takes you over the edge, and how long the process requires. Let me assure you if your first orgasm takes an hour to reach, it probably won’t always take that long. You two will get better at it.

And now, here’s a bunch of information about how to orgasm:

From my site
Orgasm: If Only I Could O
3 Tips on Having a Great Orgasm
But I Still Can’t Orgasm! What Next?

From Julie Sibert, Intimacy in Marriage
The Orgasm Page (with link to a bunch of posts on orgasm)

From Paul Byerly, The Generous Husband
Orgasmic Massage

What now?¬†Regardless of how much you reveal,¬†you need to talk to your husband. Approach him with a positive challenge to increase your pleasure in the bedroom. Explain you want to explore what turns you on, and you want to take more time to enjoy one another’s bodies.

You will likely need¬†to become more participatory in bed — suggesting things to try, guiding his hand where it feels good, asking him to slow down or speed up or be more gentle or use more pressure.

However, your pleasure may not increase so much by specific techniques as setting the mood and fostering romance between you. Many wives¬†get as much aroused by the lead-up¬†to the sexual act as the sexual act itself.¬†Spend more time touching, kissing, and fondling each other — even adding sensual massage. Use lubricant freely, since moisture¬†affects how well our female bodies respond to touch, pressure, and friction.

Go for the clitoral orgasm first. It’s easier to achieve. Have him use direct contact with¬†your clitoris, through manual or oral play. You don’t have to climax during intercourse for it to “count.” Anytime during the sexual encounter, a climax should be welcome — hey, given an embossed invitation and greeted heartily upon arrival.

Stop faking, start talking, get engaged, and you can — and will — orgasm. Maybe not tonight or next week or even next month. But sex isn’t ultimately about the peaks, but the whole journey. Enjoy the climb, and you’ll eventually reach the top!

But I Still Can’t Orgasm! What Next?

No matter how many tips on orgasm I give, there are likely to be wives out there who say, “But I still can’t orgasm!”

Some women feel they have tried every piece of advice they’d been offered or could seek out on their own, and the much-touted climax is still dangling out of reach. If this is you, perhaps there’s an underlying problem getting in the way of your ability to achieve the Big O. Let’s cover a few of the possibilities:

Woman with thought bubble and blog post title

Pain. How can you feel extreme pleasure when sex flat-out hurts? If you’ve been hoping that having an orgasm will deal with the pain you’ve been experiencing, that’s not likely to work. You need to address the pain itself, so you can enjoy sex with your husband.¬†Then you’ll be able to feel the full pleasure of sexual intimacy and eventually reach climax.

If sex hurts, talk to your doctor about solutions. There is likely something that can be done to address your discomfort. You may¬†also want to read my post on¬†Pain & Pleasure and Sheila Gregoire’s excellent post on When Sex Hurts (Vaginismus).

Don’t settle for having pain during sex. It isn’t supposed to hurt, so treat it like any other pain in your body and look for answers and treatment.

Insensitivity.¬†Some wives have reduced sensitivity. They feel pleasure, but it’s not quite enough to get them over the hump to orgasm. What are some possible reasons? Oftentimes, medications are at play. Certain medications, including some antidepressants and oral contraceptives, have been known to make it more difficult to achieve climax.

Talk to your doctor and consider other options. You might want to try another antidepressant or a different contraception method.

Of course, scarred tissue could be a factor for a few out there. Your gynecologist might have some suggestions for getting past that obstacle.

Psychological barriers. Even though you feel like you’ve done everything reasonable, you could still have psychological barriers keeping you from achieving orgasm. For instance, the wife who can’t surrender entirely because she was falsely taught that good girls don’t enjoy sex that much; the woman who was molested or raped and has buried memories of that horrible abuse; the wife who reconciled with a cheating husband and wants deep intimacy but struggles with trusting in the marriage bed.

Reaching the¬†peak of sexual pleasure requires being able to surrender to the experience, and a bad sexual history can interfere with feeling comfortable and confident about letting go. If you believe something in your past is interfering with you getting the full pleasure God desires you to have in marital intimacy, then speak with your spouse, a friend, a mentor, your pastor, and/or a counselor. Start somewhere and don’t stop looking for answers and help until you’ve found it.

Fatigue. Too pooped to pop? It can happen. There is a certain amount of body energy required to reach climax. If you are super-low on sleep, not eating well, stressed beyond belief, depressed, or deficient in vitamins, you might find yourself struggling to march all the way up that hill of happiness to the peak of ecstasy.

My advice? Do what you know you should be doing. Sleep. Eat well. Rest. Get a checkup. And check out stay healthy tips from a blog I really like: Calm.Healthy.Sexy. Be good to yourself outside the bedroom, so you can feel good inside the bedroom.

Have you struggled to reach orgasm? What issues do you think you might be dealing with?