Tag Archives: fear of sexual intercourse

Q&A with J: When Your Groom Is Anxious about Sex

Today’s question comes from a lovely woman on the brink of new marriage. With just weeks until the vows, here’s what she wrote:

hi, im getting married in [a few] weeks, my husband to be has usually been a little reluctant to talk about sex which we always said was good to keep us from going too far before married. we did some sessions of premarital counseling a while ago and our pastor suggested looking at the site the marriage bed shortly before our wedding. I have read quite a bit on their site as well as yours which has helped me be less scared about sex, but now that he has read some things on their site he says he is super weird about the idea of sex. I asked if there was anything in particular that scared him and he said “putting my hands and face where they don’t belong.” I told him that I will never make him do anything he isn’t comfortable with but just the idea of sex is still scaring him. he is a very very logic driven person so has a hard time understanding why anyone would want to do any of the things he read about (even just normal sex). …

I don’t want him to be scared of sex and both of us have a really good understanding that sex is a good thing from God and its not dirty, it just is best within marriage. do you have any suggestions on ways I could make him less scared? I have told him its ok if we don’t have sex right away, we can spend time just becoming comfortable with each other and I will wait until he feels ready. I want to know how to love him best.

Blog post title + midsection of groom looking at his watch

I love that last line: “I want to know how to love him best.” Isn’t that a great way to approach your spouse, no matter how long you’ve been married?

But I wanted to tackle this question because it gets at a few issues that people often don’t consider.

Men also absorb the purity message.

Last year, Sheila Gregoire wrote 10 Things That Scare Me About the “Purity” Culture. One of those ten was “The Purity Culture can make women afraid of sex.” Now Sheila was writing specifically to women, but her point is valid for both genders: Well-intentioned Christians can preach sex as such a huge no-no that they create fear about engaging in the act even when married.

Here are clues that suggest this young man has been exposed to, and absorbed, some purity culture messages:

1. He’s highly uncomfortable talking about sex, but then they decide that’s a good thing so that they won’t go too far.

Except that talking about sex generally and talking about sex specifically are very different. As Christians, we need to be able to comfortably talk about our sexuality, our temptations and challenges, our longings for the future, etc. Silence isn’t always golden. Indeed, teens that have parents and mentors willing to discuss sexuality honestly and in the context of values tend to wait longer to have sex. 

When and how should much should you talk about sex before marriage? Check out this guest post from Eric and Heather Viets of Preengaged.comHow Much Should You Learn about Sex before the Wedding Night? Also, Lauren Hanna also guested here with Let’s Talk About Sex, Shall We?

2. He’s worried about “putting my hands and face where they don’t belong.”

Who said they don’t belong there? I’ll deal with this issue more thoroughly below, but suffice it to say that I wonder if he’s absorbed the sense that godly sex involves a pretty narrow repertoire. It’s a message you get in some Christian circles, but it’s not what God’s Word says.

3. The questioner insists that they don’t believe sex is dirty, just best within marriage. That might be a completely innocent comment, or it could be that this young man is still trying to convince himself.

You know how we do that — tell ourselves something over and over so that we’ll eventually believe it. But if the belief is embedded deep, it can be harder to genuinely feel something is true, even when you know logically it is.

Men are simply not immune to the messages many Christian singles received about sex — that it’s dangerous territory. As being such an off-limits activity or even discussion before marriage, it’s hard to flip the switch after the vows.

What can you do? Here’s my go-to on this one: “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). To me that means that we get what we want when we want what God designed for us to have (see Aligning Your Sexual Desires with God’s Plan). You, as a couple, must learn to delight in God’s design for sex. That can take some time, but it’s worth the study, communication, prayer, and perhaps even counseling you may need.

Sex IS weird.

Let’s just be honest: The act of sex is a strange thing. You get naked, put yourselves in all kinds of positions you wouldn’t get into otherwise, and you match up body parts in unusual ways. I’ve often wondered what God was thinking when He created this act. Wasn’t there an easier alternative?

But if you think we‘re weird, go look at the animal kingdom. I’m fascinated at all the ways reproduction happens among creatures, like the female praying mantis that sometimes eats the head of her mate after copulation or the argonaut octopus that has a detachable penis. You can really get lost in articles about the strange mating rituals out there. I don’t know why God made it that way for some species, but it sure makes me grateful He chose our way of doing things for the creatures made in His image.

It might make your fiancé feel better to just accept that sex IS weird. But just because something is strange doesn’t mean it isn’t also natural and enjoyable. There’s a lot of strange stuff in nature that’s pretty cool. (See Travel & Leisure’s World’s Strangest Natural Wonders.)

So yeah, sex is weird, but give it a fair shot … because it’s also quite wonderful.

Where do your hands and face “belong”?

I grew up on the rural side of Corpus Christi, Texas, where my high school let out for the local livestock show and rodeo because too many students were involved to continue holding class. Those of us not involved still attended to check things out and cheer on friends.

After one livestock show ended, a friend shared how she’d been walking past the hog stalls where two hogs lay head to toe. A romantically involved couple just ahead said something like, “Hey, those pigs look just like us!” (referring to the 69 position). My friend was way creeped out and ranted for a while about oral sex, wondering why anything would do such a thing … right up until a married woman nearby calmly responded, “You’d be surprised what you’d do.” You could have heard a pen drop … or maybe me snicker — one or the other.

Anyway, it’s not unusual for sexual acts to seem really strange as well and even off-putting before you do them. Hey, I remember wondering when I was young why people would touch tongues together and how that could be enjoyable. Turns out, French kissing is quite enjoyable, but I didn’t know until I tried.

Of course not every sexual act is a good idea. So how do you know where your hands and face really belong — from a Christian viewpoint? Here’s the upshot:

  • God clearly wanted penis-in-vagina intercourse to be part of sexual intimacy in marriage. Just think of the number of times something like “he knew her, and she became pregnant” occurs in the Bible.
  • The vast majority of our bodies is hygienically clean enough for hands and mouths. One exception is the anus, but our skin and genitalia are pretty much fair game. It’s a wide, wide playground God gave us to work with.
  • If oral sex is among the concerns, I — and quite a few others — believe it’s specifically referenced in Song of Songs: “In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste” (2:3) and “Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits” (4:16). Check out Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design for more in-depth treatment of oral sex and other sexual activities.

Essentially, your hands and your mouth belong on your spouse’s body where God says it’s okay, where your spouse says it’s okay, and where you want to go. God gave us a lot of freedom in the marriage bed.

God gave us a lot of freedom in the marriage bed. Click To Tweet

How do you deal with your mate’s genuine anxiety in the bedroom?

Actually, I think you’re on the right track. You need to nudge, but not pressure; communicate, but not nag; request, but not demand. The beauty of sex in marriage is that you get a lifetime to figure this whole thing out.

Unfortunately, some people think their first few experiences of sex together represent the destiny of their married sex life. And they don’t.

Just because of how life works, you’ll have seasons when things are better and when things are more challenging. But you also have the opportunity to grow together in intimacy in all areas, including the physical.

However, you need to be intentional in pursuing a good sex life together.

You need to be intentional in pursuing a good sex life together. Click To Tweet

In addition to what you’re already doing, I’d suggest that you read a few books together, which you can probably do now since you’re so close to the wedding. For couples, here are a few recommendations:

While I wrote it for wives, it could also be very beneficial for you two to go through my devotional book, Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage. Each devotion is brief, steeped in a biblical perspective, and includes questions that can help you communicate better and find out where you need to grow.

Take it slow, but don’t stop progressing. And many blessings for your upcoming nuptials!

Q&A with J: “Is It Okay Not to Have Sex in Marriage?”

Today’s question comes from an unmarried woman who’s considering marriage … and whether sex must be a part of that relationship.

Mainly my question is, is it ok to not have sex in a marriage? So if I don’t want to have sex, should I never get married? Because women around me are always saying how great sex is in marriage and what a blessing it is and I have come to despise that. I read Christian blogs on the topic and they say the same kind of stuff and how a wife shouldn’t deny her husband sex. What if the husband is ok with not having sex too? Is that possible? Because my boyfriend … says it’s ok to not and he’s ok with not and we can come pretty close to sex without actually having it. Is that alright? He has a medical condition as well “adrenal insufficiency” which most likely won’t allow him to have kids. I don’t know if that also affects his desire to have sex but if it does, maybe that’s why he’s ok with not.

… I don’t want to be with him and waste both of our time if he is super driven to have sex and I won’t give it to him. I didn’t want to go all the way to a month before marriage and realize we have such a big problem. But we seem to agree on it. We’re very careful and wanting to do the right thing with our future and I’m hoping you can help with these questions. I haven’t been able to find anything on “a fear of having sex” on the Internet so I am asking directly and personally now.

Couple lying back to backJust a note for the readers: In the full email, it was clear that her “boyfriend” is very close to being a fiancé.

Now to the question: Is it ok not to have sex in a marriage?

Well, what are the purposes of marriage? You can see a number of purposes for marriage in the Bible:

It appears that first one is off the table for you two, with his medical issues. But honestly, all of those other purposes should be present in a healthy, godly marriage.

And sex is involved in a lot of those other purposes as well. You need sex to procreate; sex promotes romantic love; sex deepens intimacy; and the sexual act itself reflects the unity God desires to have with us.

Sex is one of the characteristics that distinguishes the marriage relationship from all others. I can have a roommate with whom I form a partnership, and we can be friends and serve God together. But that isn’t a marriage. A friendship between man and woman becomes marriage when we link our lives and our bodies in a covenant relationship before God.

You simply can’t find me a marriage in the Bible that didn’t include sex. So if all biblical marriage relationships involved sex, maybe God is communicating something about its importance. After all, sex was His idea from the beginning:

Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man.”

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame (Genesis 2:22-25).

Why would God make sure there’s an entire book in the Bible devoted to romantic and sexual love? Song of Songs makes it clear that there’s barely a heartbeat between a husband and wife saying, “I love you,” and then desiring physical intimacy:

How handsome you are, my beloved! Oh, how charming! And our bed is verdant (Song of Songs 1:16).

My beloved has gone down to his garden, to the beds of spices, to browse in the gardens
and to gather lilies. I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine; he browses among the lilies.
 (Song of Songs 6:2-3). (Gardens/flowers in Song of Songs are euphemisms for a woman’s sexual organs.)

Come, my beloved, let us go to the countryside, let us spend the night in the villagesLet us go early to the vineyards to see if the vines have budded, if their blossoms have opened, and if the pomegranates are in bloom—there I will give you my love (Song of Songs 7:11-12).

God intended for married couples to experience sexual pleasure and intimacy. It’s in His Word, and I just don’t know how a couple can get around that. Now I understand some couples cannot engage due to physical/medical constraints, but that’s an exception — not the rule.

The Bible also talks about how sexual intimacy in marriage can serve as a protection against your husband or you wandering away and falling in love with someone else. I’m not guilt-tripping you here with, “if you don’t put out, he’ll go get it elsewhere.” Cheaters choose to cheat, and that’s their sin. Yet healthy sexual intimacy helps to keep you both focused where you should be.

Here’s how Proverbs 5:15-19 says it:

Drink water from your own cistern,
    running water from your own well.
Should your springs overflow in the streets,
    your streams of water in the public squares?
Let them be yours alone,
    never to be shared with strangers.
May your fountain be blessed,
    and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
    may her breasts satisfy you always,
    may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

It’s in the New Testament as well, from 1 Corinthians 7:3-5:

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Honestly, I don’t know all the reasons you’re reluctant to have sex once you’re married. But your statement that “I haven’t been able to find anything on ‘a fear of having sex’ on the Internet…” tells me that you’re actually frightened about intercourse.

I get that. But I want to reassure you that there are answers to and ways to overcome that fear. If you’ve experienced sexual abuse in your past, go grab The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender and even its accompanying workbook. If you’ve been taught that sex is dirty or feel like it’s just icky, I’d suggest The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Gregoire. If you don’t understand how it all works and how it’s part of God’s plan, pick up The Pursuit of Passion by Julie Sibert and Jeff Murphy. If you need a biblical view of how to approach sex in marriage, check out Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage by yours truly.

Read Christian articles and blog posts and books about sexual intimacy. Hear beyond the message that sex is something you should do in marriage to the truth that sex is something your marriage should do for you.

Sex isn't just something you should do in marriage, but something marriage should do for you. Click To Tweet

Just look at a few practical positives of sexual intimacy in marriage:

In the long run, a healthy sex life in marriage will be one ingredient that can make your relationship stronger, deeper, and longer lasting. So I pray that you seek out godly sexual intimacy and have a blessed marriage.

Related Post: Mystery 32 – What’s So Beautiful about Marital Intimacy?

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