Tag Archives: godly sex

5 Ways to Get Your Church to Address Sex

So your church doesn’t address sex. You’re not alone.

But if you’re like me, or you’ve read the Bible past Genesis 1 and know that God didn’t shy away from sex, you think your church should be able to have a grownup conversation about sexual intimacy in marriage. So how can you get people talking about this important topic in a respectful, helpful, godly ways?

Here are five actions you can take to move the needle.

Blog post title + basic illustration of a church building

1. Offer to teach or facilitate a class.

You know there’s a need, but many churches don’t know how to present material that encourages healthy and holy sex in marriage. Pastors are also in precarious positions, expected and even pressured to teach solely on certain theological issues.

Why not suggest an alternative within your current educational structure? Offer to lead a class or small group. I admit to being a bit nervous myself when I offered to teach a women’s class at my church, but my class was welcomed and well-attended. I came up with my own material, because…well…me. But if you’d rather facilitate, tap into some excellent resources where others will do the teaching portion for you.

Here are three I can recommend for wives:

Awaken Love Class. Led by Ruth Buezis. “The Awaken-Love class is available to women all over the world through our 6-week video series…Together you will watch the videos, read through Song of Songs and discuss the material. Opening up the taboo topic of sex with women you trust will help you uncover a new level of intimacy in your marriage as you learn to talk about sex.”

Passion Pursuit Study Led by Linda Dillow and Dr. Juli Slattery. “For each of the ten weeks, you will watch a 30-45 minute video of Juli & Linda teaching and then have 5 days of homework to complete in your workbook. Each group will need one woman to step up as the facilitator, but Juli & Linda will do all the teaching through the DVD & workbook.”

Boost Your Libido (affiliate link). Led by Sheila Wray Gregoire. “We’re going to have FUN—as I show you how you can move your marriage from BLAH to Blazing, just by understanding how your brain, body, and relationship all work together to impact your libido! This 10-module video based course has lots of information and awesome exercises that will get YOU anticipating sex more!” Now perhaps 70-85% of wives are the lower-drive spouse, but even as the higher-drive spouse in my own marriage (currently), I appreciated this course for addressing distinct ways that sexual intimacy works for wives. While originally designed it for individuals online, it would be easy to facilitate this course in a small group setting.

2. Gift resources to church leaders.

The following three things are true for a majority of pastors:

  • They didn’t receive much ministry training on God’s design for sexual intimacy.
  • They don’t know exactly how to address the topic of sex with their congregations.
  • They don’t make a lot of money, so they’re limited in buying products to research or consider.

Thus, if you want your pastor to address this topic or be an advocate for sex-positive programs and classes, maybe you could gift resources to your pastor(s) that address sex with a godly perspective. Let them see that Christians are speaking out in holy and healthy ways, and your church can do it too.

For instance, my devotional book, Intimacy Revealed, shows how Scripture can be applied to a number of issues couples face in marriage about sex, and even includes prayers for sex. I also have a list of recommended reads here.

3. Host an event.

Sometimes what can kick-off the conversation is an event that gets church members thinking and talking. In this case, you just invite the speaker to come in, and he/she will do the rest. At least during the event. Afterwards, it’s up to the church to follow up and follow through.

Here are just three great speakers you could host, who all speak to women honestly and biblically about sex:

Juli Slattery, clinical psychologist, author, speaker, Authentic Intimacy Conference and Ladies Night Out

Sheila Wray Gregoire, speaker, blogger, an award-winning author, Girl Talk Event.

J. Parker (oh, that’s me!), speaker, author, silly-joke-teller. And I’ve waived my speaker fee for the remainder of the year!

4. Give your testimony.

For years, I was scared to give my personal testimony, because I figured it would go like this:

Me: So perhaps the biggest area in which God saved me in my sexuality. You see, I was quite the tool before I got married—sheesh, half of you would barely recognize that girl!—and then there’s all the C-R-A-P my marriage went through, some of which was due to serious sexual baggage. But woo-hoo! God rescued me.

Them:

If you’re frightened to speak up too, I get it. I really do. But those faces are not at all what has happened.

In fact, when we confess our struggles to one another, most of the time we discover that others are struggling too and people are glad someone spoke up. You could be the first one to break that unspoken rule of silence that isn’t helping any of us and instead introduce honesty and a willingness to support one another, even one another’s marriage beds.

Be careful how and when you spill your story, of course. But go ahead and talk about how God has worked in your sex life. I know my Heavenly Father has worked wonders in mine.

Be careful how and when you spill your story, of course. But go ahead and talk about how God has worked in your sex life. I know my Heavenly Father has worked wonders in mine. Click To Tweet

5. Be a positive voice for sexual intimacy.

Just be the voice among friends who speaks positively about sex. You wives know what I’m talking about: Sometimes the discussion among women turns to sex, and the comments are, sadly, negative. “Ugh, he wants it all the time!” “I’m too tired for sex.” “What’s the big deal anyway?”

Or they might in favor of sex in marriage, but still wrong: “You need to have more sex for your husband.” Um, how about more sex for your husband and you, since God made it a mutual thing we gals are also supposed to really enjoy!

You can slowly but surely start to turn the tide by being the positive voice in the room. Positive doesn’t mean pushy, but let others know that God is the author of pleasurable sex, that it’s an act intended to create and express intimacy, and that it’s worth pursuing a healthy and holy marriage bed.

Even if you only convince one woman, that’s one wife who now has incentive to seek God’s design for sex and has an advocate for her marriage—you. One by one, we make a difference.

What couples resources do you recommend for churches? What has your church done that has been helpful in promoting positive, godly sexuality?

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Are You a Fan of Your Husband’s Man-Part?

I asked my husband for his permission to tell the following story from our marriage bed:

Neither of us is a big talker during lovemaking. Even so, I’ve been known to lose control of my tongue and blurt out something that may or may not be all that coherent. Anyway, several months ago, we were in the middle of a particularly passionate sexual encounter. As I approached climax, my brain shot a single focused thought to my mouth and it burst out of my mouth: “I love your penis!”

Oh yes, I did.

After we finished that part of our intimacy, my husband and I laughed heartily about what I’d said. I turned pink about my comment, feeling so embarrassed for saying such a thing. But although Spock was amused (if you’re new, Spock is what I call my husband), he was also rather complimented. I’d shown genuine, unfiltered appreciation for his manhood.

Blog post title + image of large foam hand saying "Fan"

Now I haven’t always been at the point in my marriage that I’d say such a thing while in the throes of passion. Perhaps you can’t imagine saying, or even thinking, something like that.

But it’s important to appreciate your husband’s penis — to be its biggest fan.

It's important to appreciate your husband's penis — to be its biggest fan. Click To Tweet

Before you run away and decide your time would be better spent searching Pinterest for yet another amazing cupcake recipe you’ll never actually make, give me a few more minutes to make my case. Because I was also hesitant to adore the soldier at first.

I didn’t go all Fan Girl and blurt out that above statement in year one of our marriage, or even year ten. It took a while for me to fully embrace the astounding creation that is The Penis. Why have I become a fan?

1. Familiarity

I’m well aware of the saying, “Familiarity breeds contempt.” But what a lot of hogwash! For anyone who’s ever had a favorite something — favorite blanket, favorite pair of jeans, favorite coffee cup — you know that hanging out with something you like doesn’t diminish how you feel about it. In fact, it makes your experience better.

My favorite pair of jeans doesn’t become my favorite pair of jeans until I’ve worn them several times over, the material has softened up a bit, and they’ve stretched out just right fit to my body. Likewise, hanging out more often with your husband’s penis means that you get used to its shape and size, its movements and responses, its function and beauty.

Take time to look at and touch his penis. Explore the area with your eyes and hands, becoming familiar with this body part that is “yours, mine, and ours.”

2. Physiology

As I learned more about how male anatomy and the penis work, my appreciation for God’s creation deepened. Male anatomy is designed in a rather remarkable way, so that the penis can become erect yet sufficiently flexible, the systems work together to produce sperm and semen, and the muscles and nerves produce both pleasure and ejaculation.

Learning more about how God created his body can have a positive and even awe-inducing effect. It can also help a wife know where and how to touch him, further increasing her appreciation as his man-part happily responds. This is when the classroom physiology becomes in-the-field experience. As anyone who’s taken biology knows, reading the textbook isn’t nearly as fun as experimenting in the lab.

But of course, it helps to have some head knowledge before you go encounter the, well, head up-close. To that end, this TED Talk was illuminating for me on how amazing God’s creation really is.

You can also learn more about penis size here: Penis Size – From a Wife’s Point of View.

3. Pleasure

You know why I like chocolate? Chocolate has been good to me. It’s provided many wonderful moments of pleasure, when my taste buds awakened and savored that rich delight. Likewise, a husband’s penis receives greater admiration when it provides his wife rich pleasure.

Becoming more assertive in saying and showing what you need can help you find greater pleasure in his penis. Use his penis to stroke your body where you like to be touched. Use ample lubrication, adding personal lubricant if you don’t have enough, so that his penis slicks against your skin. Ask for sexual positions that make penetration feel even better to you. Give a shot at finding more sensitive spots with his penis. Add direct clitoral stimulation to intercourse, so that the spasms of a clitoral orgasm still happen around his penis.

When you’ve experienced a lot of pleasure that involves Mr. Happy, you’ll be happy he’s there too. If he’s helped you “win” a lot, you’ll become a big fan.

And a message for the hubbies…

If your wife isn’t immediately your man-part’s biggest fan, please don’t take it personally. I know it’s very personal to you, but I’ve met many women through the years who didn’t know much of anything about male anatomy, excepting what they learned in biology class and pop culture references. And some women have encountered awful men who used the existence of that body part as an excuse for sexual harassment or even assault.

More often, we gals just aren’t all that familiar with the equipment in a way that makes us feel confident. And that takes some time and intentionality.

Help her feel free to explore at a slower pace than you might like, and show her where you like to be touched and how. Explain to her what it means to you for her to appreciate your penis, because it’s something a lot of women don’t fully understand.

And make sure you use your penis to provide her pleasure, not just you. Once you’re married, it really is a case of yours, mine, and ours. (And yes, I would say that to your wife about her body too.) Prioritize her pleasure so that she can appreciate all of you, the way you appreciate all of her.

Honestly, we should each be one another’s biggest body fans. But today, I’ve been focused on the ladies. So let’s do this, gals — let’s show our husbands that we are indeed his man-part’s biggest fan.

Be sure to listen to our recent Sex Chat for Christian Wives episode on male anatomy!

These 3 Actions Could Bring You to Orgasm

One of the questions I receive most is from wives asking how to achieve orgasm. That’s understandable, since a really great orgasm is one of the few things that lives up to its billing.

I have a full chapter on orgasm in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, and that remains my best advice on how to get there. But although I incorporated the following information into what I said based on personal experience and hearsay, I didn’t have the study I want to share about what researchers call the “Golden Trio.”

Triangle with starburst fireworks + blog post title

It starts with 52,000 participants in an online survey, which is obviously a huge sample. Admittedly, it’s not a perfect sample, because this survey was hosted on the NBC News website, so there was self-selection in who participated. Still, given that number, there should be some interesting insights.

Among the many questions about sex that they asked, they queried about orgasm. And while 95% of heterosexual men reported usually or always reaching orgasm during sexually intimate encounters, only 65% of heterosexual women reported the same. That’s a good-sized gap of 30%.

Now one question that I don’t believe was there was whether there was a concerted effort to reach orgasm and the woman was unable to do so. Because, for reasons that men sometimes don’t understand, some wives don’t always feel the need to orgasm (see Why I Sometimes Don’t Care about the Orgasm).

However, it’s pretty clear based on God’s design for sex — our sexual responsiveness, our physiology (thank You for that clitoris!), and the importance of mutual pleasure in the marriage bed — that wives should be achieving orgasm regularly in their lovemaking. Meaning that 30% gap is way too big.

How do you close that gap?

Researchers found that vaginal penetration alone (as I and others have said) is not likely to get to get most women to climax. A PIV orgasm can be great, but it often follows on the heels of an orgasm achieved in a different way. Specifically, according to this study, through the combination of three actions — that is, the “golden trio.”

1. Genital Stimulation

In basic terms, stimulation of the clitoris is what brings a wife to climax. Since vaginal penetration is indirect stimulation of the clitoris, it’s more difficult to get the right angle, pressure, and intensity to bring her to the peak.

More effective is hubby taking his hand and touching the clitoral hood directly. Remember that hood is just the part of the clitoris that protrudes from the body, while more of the clitoris can be aroused by massage of the vulva. Regardless, make sure there’s sufficient lubrication, find the touching that she likes, and directly touch her in that sensitive spot.

2. Deep Kissing

Are you surprised to see that one? I’m not. But I do think we overlook this important activity after we get married and in the midst of making love. All the other bits seem so fun and sexy and only-in-marriage that we forget how fabulous kissing can be. It’s why I wrote You’re Not Kissing Enough.

But this was reported by women in the study as so significant to reaching orgasm that it got equal time with genital contact. Actually, long before that, in the one book of the Bible devoted to marital, sexual intimacy, God shared this wisdom. Song of Songs opens with this line: “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine” (1:2). Are you spending enough time delighting in your spouse’s better-than-wine lips? Maybe you should spend more.

3. Oral Sex

That’s oral sex for her, by the way. It’s the same principle as genital stimulation above, in that hubby can directly stimulate the clitoris, helping her to edge up the slope to orgasm and reach that peak with a cry of victory. Why is oral sex (aka cunnilingus) so helpful in this regard? Well, she’s getting lubrication with his mouth, he can cover a larger area with his mouth and tongue, and the tongue can do more delicate things than a man’s finger. It’s a pretty cool pleasure tool.

There are yet some wives who are reluctant to give this activity a green flag, and some husbands who hesitate as well, but oral sex really is a good way for many wives to finally achieve orgasm. Whatever mental barriers you have to this practice, I’ve answered a lot of those in my blog and my book. And let me direct you to this verse from Song of Songs: “Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits” (4:16b).

Actually, all three of these actions get their own treatment in my book too — a whole chapter each on kissing and oral sex, and a section in the hands-on chapter about manual play for her (genital stimulation, that is).

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What else helps a woman reach orgasm? The survey concluded something else interesting: Women who played music, changed sexual positions, or exchanged I love yous during their last sexual encounter were about 20% more likely to report usually or always orgasming. Atmosphere and adaptability matter too.

Also, women who orgasm more frequently tended to have a longer duration of sex and higher relationship satisfaction. Smaller but significant factors that also influenced orgasm were asking for particular behaviors in bed and flirting with your partner throughout the day.

Good gravy, it’s almost like they’ve been reading my blog and my book. 😉

Seriously, though, if you’re pre-orgasmic (haven’t gotten there yet), want to have more orgasms, or just want to give this “golden trio” a go, why not try genital stimulation, deep kissing, and oral sex with your next lovemaking encounter? Of course, you can have intercourse too. In fact, many wives who experience this level of pleasure will desire intercourse even more after hitting that high note.

They say that good things come in threes. Maybe “this golden trio” will bring a very good thing to your sexual intimacy.

Sources: The Guardian – ‘Golden trio’ of moves boosts chances of female orgasm, say researchers; Archives of Sexual Behavior – Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample

5 Places to Hear Me Talk about Sex

I’ve been talking about sex a lot lately. I know what you’re thinking: Isn’t that what you always do? Actually, I write a lot about sex, but in the last few weeks, I’ve gotten to chat about this fabulous subject as well.

These conversations ran the gamut on what we covered, but each is well worth a listen. If you have time, listen to them all. If not, choose what suits your fancy based on the descriptions I’ve provided. But please check out at least one of them, because it’s always interesting what emerges when I’m not writing by myself but discussing sexual intimacy with someone else.

Blog post title + microphone wired into illustrated heart

Without further ado, here are five places to listen to me talk about sex.

1. The Drew Marshall Show

Drew Marshall has a radio show in Canada that boasts 100k listeners, so I was excited to have the opportunity to chat with him and share what “Jesus people” (as he called Christians) say about sex — or should be saying about sex.

But having y’all listen would be a marvelous and meaningful bonus. It’s a quick 20-minute interview, and he asked some great questions. Check it out by clicking below.

2. Live In Peace Ministries Facebook Live

Last week, I had the pleasure of joining Yolanda and Billy Jackson of Live in Peace Ministries. We got to chat about why sex can be a taboo topic in Christian marriage, two things husbands should know about their wives, and two things wives should know about their husbands when it comes to sex.

I think you’ll enjoy not only the information and insight we shared, but also the fun we had chatting with each other. Click below to listen and view the video!

3. Halfway There Podcast

Eric Nevins of Halfway There interviewed me for almost an hour and gave me a chance to tell many stories about my life, my faith, and my ministry here. I share all kinds of things, from my drag racing disaster, to Real vs Flannel Board Jesus, to how my prayers and actions needed to change so God could save our marriage — as well as common myths and questions about sex in marriage.

You can find this episode on your podcast carrier or click below to get to the website and listen.

4. Be Fully Well Webinar

Dr. Jessica McCleese is a blogger and certified Christian sex therapist. Yep, you heard me right: Christian. Sex. Therapist. Isn’t that cool? She recently invited me to join her for a webinar in which we discussed how sex is different from the movies, tips about how husbands and wives can work out their differences, and some of what we each encounter in our different roles of helping couples with sexual intimacy in their marriage.

Make sure you check out her website at Be Fully Well, and then you can head to her YouTube channel to watch the webinar.

5. Wherever You Are

I’ve talked here before about wanting to set up some speaking engagements, but I haven’t really pursued that well. And lately, I’ve been feeling as if God is nudging me to take that on more intently.

So for the rest of 2018, I’m waiving my speaker fee. That’s right, I want to come speak wherever you are — at your women’s event in the U.S. or Canada — for just the following:

  • Transportation (airfare or mileage per federal rates)
  • Private lodging (hotel, AirBnB, etc.)
  • Meals (provided at the event and/or standard per diem rates)
  • A book table and volunteer for book sales before and after the event and/or a book purchased for each attendee

What can I talk about? To see my topics, download my speaker sheet / flyer HERE.

If you’re interested, shoot me an email at j@hotholyhumorous.com. (Subject to calendar availability and the type of event.)

Bonus

It hasn’t released yet, but I was also recently interviewed by Rebecca Lemke, author of The Scarlet Virgins, a book about growing up in the Purity Culture and breaking away to a more biblical view of sexuality. She has a podcast by the same name, and we had a wonderful time talking. Why not check out her podcast now, and I’ll let y’all know when our episode goes live!

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When I Prayed for His Sexuality, and God Answered

Man sitting on bed (view from the back) + blog post title

Sometimes I wonder if wives who read my blog think things like: Oh, that J — she’s got sex in marriage figured out and has never struggled like we have.

Au contraire, mon amie!

I’ve written before about when my sex life sucked. Yes, it did. And I know how it feels to believe that improving your sexual intimacy is going to be a hard road. Even though you know the journey is worth it, you’re looking forward to that road with about as much excitement as a week’s-worth-of-groceries trip through Walmart with past-their-naptime children.

But this weekend, I was going back through old journals. Yes, I used to keep journals, though I haven’t done that consistently for years. I found entries in one from the time I went through a women’s Bible study based on The Power of the Praying Wife.

Chapter 4, and thus week 4, is titled “His Sexuality.” The author, Stormie Omartian, is not saying that her sexuality doesn’t matter — it most certainly does — but the focus of this study is on how to better pray for our husbands. So the chapters focus on praying for him.

When I read the prayer I’d written for that week, I knew I wanted to share it here, so you’d all know that things weren’t always terrific in J’s household — that it really is possible to improve the sexual intimacy in your marriage.

In my journal, I refer to my husband by name, but on my blog and social media sites, I’ve always referred to him as “Spock” because he is so much about expressing logic, and not so much about expressing emotion. (If you want to know more, read Does Your Husband Stink at Romance? Mine too.)

Without further ado…

The Prayer I Wrote

Lord, I know that sex is a gift from You, which You designed specifically for husband and wife. Spock and I have struggled for a long time now with having the time and ability to experience this gift fully. Please bless us in our sex life. Help us to overcome obstacles and share our bodies with one another in the way You intended.

Please help us to find more time and energy to have sex. Help us to reach out to one another with affection throughout our days so that our sex is a natural flow of our intimacy and touch.

Lord, please held my body respond as it should to stimulation. Help Spock and me to agree on the priority that sex should have in our lives. Please give us the perspective of being unified in our lives — including physically. Thank You that my sex drive has returned somewhat and continue to increase my interest.

Please help Spock and me to remember that our bodies belong to each other. Help us to be willing to offer ourselves to one another and enjoy one another’s wonderfully made body. Help us to respect one another in deciding when to have sex — engaging each other when we should and being patient when we abstain. Give us unity in our sex life.

I know that’s all pretty vague. But I can break down exactly what we were going through from other notes in the workbook.

The Problems I Detailed

Frequency has been low because of finding time with young kids around and my pain (which recently abated).

Want sex more often, and with more affection preceding.

[My husband will] (1) Ignore me the rest of the day, then want to have sex. (2) Approach me just after I’ve been consumed with the role of mother. (Mind you, these were my feelings at the time, and that first complaint probably doesn’t reflect reality or how he saw it at the time.)

I think exercise is the most important thing I could do to make him and me feel better about my body. I’ve also begun to care for my skin better. I also need to find ways to “refresh” myself from the exhaustion I often experience.

So yeah, we weren’t having sex much, we weren’t prioritizing it, we weren’t laying the groundwork of romance and affection beforehand, I was struggling to switch from mother to lover, pain had been an issue, I didn’t feel good about my body, and I was just flat-out exhausted. Sound familiar to anyone?

Look backing, it’s funny how much of my prayers for his sexuality were really about needing God to act on my sexuality.

Look backing, it's funny how much of my prayers for his sexuality were really about needing God to act on my sexuality. Click To Tweet

And while it took some time, God answered those prayers. I’m not saying we’re 100% now in all those areas. By no means! But our sex life was clearly unsatisfying then, and it’s improved a lot since. Moreover, when we face obstacles now, we’re much better talking about our sexual intimacy in ways that help get us back on track.

The Challenge for You

Some of you face challenges now that sound like these I’ve shared. Some face far greater heartache. All I want to do today is issue a challenge to write your prayer down. Ask God for what you want to have happen in your marriage bed.

Ask God for what you want to have happen in your marriage bed. Click To Tweet

Then keep that prayer tucked away somewhere, so you can revisit it later. You might revisit it a few times and feel like you’re still stuck on the same stuff, but keep reading my posts, my books, other great marriage resources, and — most importantly — what God says about sex in His Word; keep praying; and keep pursuing the best for your spouse and your marriage.

You might have that great experience that I did of finding your prayer and thinking, Oh yeah, God is faithful, God is good. And my marriage bed rocks!

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