Tag Archives: Hot Holy Humorous

Why You Should Try This Sex Position

If you listened to our recently launched podcast, Sex Chat for Christian Wives, episode two, you heard myself, Bonny of OysterBed7, Gaye of Calm.Healthy.Sexy, and Chris of The Forgiven Wife talk about the benefits of trying various sexual positions in the marriage bed. I’ve written about positions as well here on my blog and in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design.

But at some point, that podcast conversation got to this exchange:

I’ve been mulling that moment over many times since. Funny as it was at the time, it really is a problem for many Christian wives to try sex “doggy-style.” (In case you’re unfamiliar with that position, you can find out more here, courtesy of christianfriendlysexpositions.com.)

Why You Should Try This Sex Position with sketched bed in background

First, let’s talk about the arguments against this position. I’ve heard, from various Christian wives over the years, two main protests about incorporating it into their sexual repertoire.

1. It’s named “doggy-style.” And when you hear that, you immediately picture a female dog in heat and a male dog going at it with all the intimacy that a Super Bowl viewer feels for his next potato chip. (Yum, that was great — let’s move on.)

Your brain says, This is how animals copulate. And you don’t want to be an animal. You’re human, with human emotion and depth and desires. How can you let yourself be treated like the stray bitch* in the neighborhood?

It’s true that the vast majority of animals have sex facing the same direction, but primates such as bonobos and orangutans also mate face-to-face and dolphins mate belly-to-belly. And there’s a rather funny depiction of other animal sex positions in this popularly shared post: What If Humans Had Sex like the Rest of the Animal Kingdom? It doesn’t make you an animal to use a sexual position used by pets, livestock, or the wild kingdom. Because so much else is entirely different — especially the emotion, communication, and intimacy involved in sex in marriage. That, not the position, distinguishes your very human marriage bed.

2. He’s looking at my butt. Yes, I get it. Especially if your derrière is not your favorite part of your body. But even more so, I’ve heard women wonder why a husband wouldn’t want to look her in the face. Isn’t that far more intimate?

Actually, there’s something quite intimate about giving your husband access to view your body from all angles. Men like feminine curves, and from behind, you’ve got a lot of curvy-ness for his eye to appreciate. Indeed, I’ve heard a man compare a woman’s bum to an upside-down heart shape, which is quite a lovely thought and makes it understandable why a husband might find that appealing.

Sex is the whole kit-and-caboodle. And you’re probably not eye-to-eye the entire time, no matter what you do. So perhaps you can invest in face-to-face moments, but then not worry about the view from behind when you switch to this position.

But why should you try the rear-entry position? Even if it’s okay to engage in, what are the advantages to this position? Let me give you a rundown of some benefits.

1. You’re more likely to orgasm. Originally, I had this lower down on the list, and then I thought, This should get top billing! Having your husband enter from behind means that he’s more likely to stimulate the G-spot and could even make contact with your Skene’s glands (which, while not orgasmic per se, is an interesting sensation). He can also provide direct clitoral stimulation by reaching around and touching you, or you can stimulate the clitoris yourself. Point being: You’re more likely to feel pleasure and sexual satisfaction.

I could end this post right here. Isn’t that a sufficient reason to give it a shot? But…

2. He can thrust deeper. Your husband, and you, might enjoy this position as well because he can go deeper. The angle, especially if you tilt your bum upward, permits him to slide more easily and deeply into the vagina. Even though you don’t necessarily feel the entire length of his penis inside you (see here), it’s a pleasurable experience for him to go all the way in and to have his hips touch you when his penis enters completely.

3. Other areas can be stimulated during intercourse. As I said before, your husband, or you, can stimulate your clitoris during intercourse from this position. But he can also reach around and fondle your breasts and caress your derrière. And you can reach down underneath and stroke his testicles or the length of penis that extends behind his testicles. Yes, other positions allow access to these areas, but you might give rear-entry a try and see what you can touch and pleasure.

4. It’s more comfortable for women with a tilted uterus. I’ve mentioned this before — that my uterus was rather tilted before childbirth, making rear entry a more comfortable position. Honestly, I can’t tell you why this is true, because your husband is only entering your vagina, but there is a sense of pressure on that tilted uterus if the position isn’t a good one. So if you have a tilted, or tipped, uterus, you might want to try this position to see if it doesn’t work better for you.

5. It’s a good option for pregnant women. When you’re seven or eight months pregnant, your belly is in the way. But, unless your doctor says otherwise, sex doesn’t need to be off the table. You can still have sex, but you’ll need to change positions. Woman-on-top might work, but rear-entry is also a great choice.

6. Did I mention you might orgasm more easily? Oh yeah, I guess I did.

Anyway, if you haven’t been a fan of “doggy-style” or haven’t tried it in a long time, why not give it a shot? If it makes you nervous, remind yourself that it isn’t animalistic — it’s creative. And he likes the way you look, from the front and from behind. Moreover, the pleasure he can bring you from this position will make you both feel good.

And yes, I do think we should rename this position. Doggy-style, rear-entry, unicorns and rainbows … there’s got to be something better. You’re welcome to make a suggestion in the comments.

(*Do not write me hate mail. “Bitch” is an accurate, appropriate word in this usage.)

Praying for Grace in Your Marriage

Praying for Grace in Your Marriage with woman's hands holding heart

I talk a lot on my blog about how to address sexual issues with your spouse, how to speak about your longing for physical intimacy, how to pursue a stronger bond in the marriage bed. It’s often about making sure your interactions with your spouse are calm, unselfish, well-considered, loving, and respectful.

If only I took all of my own advice. Rather — like you — I have those moments in marriage when the stress of the day and the frustration of the moment and the pain of my heart all come together and I blurt out something completely unhelpful. Even though I know that “a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1), I opt for the harsh word.

Or maybe I keep the words in my mouth, but they come out in an eye roll or a snort or turning away. I’ve also been known to mutter to myself, the tone of which could hardly be mistaken for anything but complaints.

This is not my pattern, but it is a failing of mine from time to time. And probably for you too. Likely you say something in a way you didn’t mean to say it, or you just lose your composure in a bad moment and declare something like, “For heaven’s sake, I need sex and you owe it to me!”

Or maybe it’s your spouse who does that.

In marriage, sometimes we blow it.

We shouldn’t be surprised. Romans 3:23 says that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” And 1 John 1:8 says, “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.” As my father used to say, “Even perfect people use pencils with erasers.” Because we all make mistakes. We all fail. We all sin.

And so, we all need grace.

Grace can be defined as “the unmerited favor of God toward man” (Baker’s Evangelical Dictionary of Biblical Theology). But we have in our Christian vernacular begun to talk more and more about giving one another grace, that unmerited favor. Certainly, as we seek to be more like Christ, we would want to approach people as Christ does — with an attitude of grace.

How do we adopt an attitude of grace? We pray for it.

Hebrews 4:16 says: “Let us approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Our time of need may be grace we need from the Father, or grace we need to give to our spouse. But when we approach God’s throne, we come there in prayer.

We ask God to help us show favor toward our spouse, even when they blow it. Just as we’d like our spouse to show favor toward us when we blow it.

So instead of immediately reacting to what your spouse says, or does, or how your interpret the words and actions, you take a step back. Feeling a sense of peace as you let God’s grace fill you, you can then ask questions about what your mate really meant. Or simply consider the possibility that their day went badly and they’re super-stressed. You can stop taking everything personally, like how he left things out that you would have put away. You begin to see better interpretations. You remember that your beloved chose you, loves you, and is still here with you — and that counts for something.

Looking at this in terms of your marriage bed, even a sexual rejection is often not personal. It’s not about you. It’s about the bad day he had, the exhaustion and stress he’s feeling, the testosterone that isn’t working quite like it used to, or maybe even the insecurity of feeling he can’t satisfy you completely. It could be about sexual baggage your spouse still carrying. Or that wayward glance at a pretty woman in the restaurant, while a poor choice, might have been a momentary lapse back to his pre-devoted-to-you days and he might be internally kicking himself for that one. Even in that heated argument when he finally erupts and says what you think he really believes deep down — that all he really wants from you is sex, sex, sex — it might not be what you think. It might just be his foot-in-mouth, we-all-sin moment.

How about we give each other some grace?

How about we pray for grace for our spouse?

How about we give each other some grace? How about we pray for grace for our spouse? Click To Tweet

One way to start is simply to ask God to help you see your beloved with the same unmerited favor God gives His children: Lord, help me to see my husband the way you see him. Help me to show grace in this situation and in our marriage. Give me your eyes, your heart, your love for my beloved. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

When your spouse blows it, try something like that. Pray for grace. You might be surprised how that will help you see things in a different light.

♥   ♥   ♥

For Christian Wives logoA NOTE ABOUT OUR PODCAST

Please pray for our listeners to have grace for us as we work out difficult technical/audio issues. We have received many complaints, and I simply cannot tell you how frustrating/disheartening this has been after months of preparation and a huge learning curve. But we are determined to fix the problems and appreciate the suggestions we’ve received. (If you have others, please email us at forchristianwives [at] gmail [dot] com rather than commenting here.) In the meantime, please pray that those who give our podcast a listen will extend grace to us, listen to our content, and stay tuned for future episodes. We appreciate your prayers.

What Makes You Feel Sexy?

I’ve been listening to Spanish radio.

This is an odd choice because I speak only a little Spanish. But I was looking for musical playlists for when I write and discovered that listening to a song in a foreign language worked well. I enjoyed the tunes, but wasn’t distracted by the lyrics. Then I fell in love with a few specific songs, checked their translations to make sure they weren’t explicit, and downloaded those to my MP3 player.

So last night, as I was listening to Juan Magan, Gente de Zona, etc. and salsa dancing in my kitchen, I thought, This makes me feel sexy. It wasn’t the lyrics, but the way I was moving my body to the music. It put me in touch with the shape of my body, my feminine form, and how it moves. It made me appreciate God’s handiwork and mirrored the body awareness I have when making love with my husband.

I got to thinking: What other activities might make a wife feel sexy? Do we know?

With a woman's dancing feet

It’s a good question. Because maybe dancing doesn’t do it for you. Maybe it’s something else.

It’s likely several things.

I’m not talking about what gets you aroused. (Although it might.) Rather, I’m thinking about what makes you feel good about your body, your sensuality, your sexuality. Things like bubble baths, body massages, lotion applied to your skin by your husband, sleeping naked, some forms of exercise, aromatherapy, etc.

Those little things we do for ourselves can put us into better contact with our bodies and make us feel more sexy both in the moment and in our marriages. We come away feeling like a woman who is worth making love to and who can bask in physical pleasure.

I’ve talked plenty before about awakening your senses. When readying yourself for sexual intimacy, I believe it’s very important to do two things:

1. Relax. I’m not talking about that feeling you get right before you fall asleep, when your whole body is a jellied lump of flesh. This isn’t the last part of the yoga class where you’re supposed to lie there and imagine some peaceful setting and let all your muscles loosen. (I can’t do that yoga thing anyway, because right after I picture that placid lake, three water skiers go careening by, followed by a motor boat and a party pontoon. But maybe that’s just me…) I’m talking about stepping away from the daily demands of your life, taking time for self-care, and easing into a different role. Relaxing your brain. Which is a challenge for many women.

And I can honestly say that when I’m listening to music and dancing, my brain is not mulling over my to-do list or caught up in the latest political controversy. I’m pretty relaxed. I feel the same with certain other activities, like soaking in a hot bath while reading a book or digging my feet into the sand on the beach. These relaxing activities also make me aware of my body, which brings me to…

2. Awaken. Seemingly paradoxical, you have to awaken other parts of yourself — the parts that feed into feeling sexy. This isn’t just your lady parts, gals. Rather, it includes your five senses. With special attention paid to your skin, which has like a billion receptors or something.

You also want to lean into appreciating your femininity, whatever that looks like for you. I used to feel not-so-feminine, because I wasn’t quite as elegant or delicate as many women I knew. But you have all the features of a woman, and there is plenty to embrace about your own femininity. You have curves — yes, whether you’re a hourglass figure, an athletic build, or apple-shaped, you have curves. Own them, love them. You have sensitivities in places where men don’t, and you should enjoy those. You are built differently and beautifully.

Song of Songs says, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (3:5, 8:4). But when you’re married, Love desires to be awakened. So go ahead and arouse it, awaken it, embrace it.

Figure out what makes you feel sexy. Then do those things.

For myself, I’ve decided I need to dance more. But I’ve also made a list of other activities that help me appreciate my body and my sex appeal to my husband. Just my own list of 5 Ways to Feel Sexy, with actions I should take more often and more enthusiastically. I suspect my marriage bed benefit.

How about you make your own list? Any ideas to share with others?

LAUNCHING OFFICIALLY TOMORROW! CLICK BANNER TO LEARN MORE.

Sex Chat for Christian Wives Has Launched!

♥ Happy Valentine’s Day! ♥

Whether you’re celebrating in style or simply displaying everyday romance to your spouse, may your day be an enjoyable one!

And if you’re looking for something to spark your mood or just help you on path toward greater sexual intimacy, it’s our official launch day! Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast has gone live, and we have three episodes you can listen to right now.
SCFCW We've Launched with Sketched Rocket

We’re pretty excited about our content!

Episode 1 is on Getting in the Mood.

Episode 2 is about Sexual Positions.

Episode 3 addresses 50 Shades of Here-We-Go-Again.

A few have mentioned our not-yet-stellar audio quality. Yes, I realize that there is some background noise and reverberation. And I’m sorry for the inconvenience on your end.

Frankly, we are four working-from-home wives with limited time and a limited budget, and we are still gathering recording savvy, audio editing skills, and equipment to improve our sound. We genuinely hope you’ll stick with us as we continue to develop. Much like our blogs — Hot Holy & Humorous, The Forgiven Wife, OysterBed7and Calm.Healthy.Sexy. — we started with what we had and will prioritize becoming more and more professional in our presentation. But the substance itself is well worth the listen. And I can tell our recordings are improving with the knowledge we’ve gained.

Remember to connect with Sex Chat for Christian Wives through any/all of the following:

Website
iTunes
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More episodes are coming!

And thanks to you who have already listened. It’s pretty amazing to look and see that, as of publishing this post, we’ve already had 1270 downloads!

We pray that we will find the audience who needs to hear our message about the gift of sexual intimacy in marriage as God intended. We want to reach as many wives as possible.

Praying for Resources for Your Marriage Bed

I’m so honored to be one of the resources my readers turn to for help regarding the sexual intimacy in their marriage. I consider it a compliment, but also an awesome responsibility. What I always hope with my posts is that I say something that helps a wife or a couple to improve or nurture their intimacy, not just sexual — but intimacy throughout their marriage, often expressed physically in the marriage bed.

But I remember when my marriage seemed as likely to survive as the possibility of Big Foot knocking on my door to confirm his existence. I was on the constant hunt for resources that would help me sort out what was happening, why things had gotten so bad, how we could find our way back, and what I could do to save our marriage.

I prayed to find the right resources.

And I think it’s a good idea for you to pray the same.

Praying for Resources for Your Marriage Bed with woman's hands holding a heart

Pray for confidantes. At times, you need a friend who can help you sort through your challenges, your feelings, your next steps. You may not even know if what you’re going through is normal or problematic, if you’re overreacting or right on track. Pray that you’ll be led to speak in confidence to another wife who can listen, provide wisdom, pray for your situation, and advocate for your marriage.

Pray for mentors. Sometimes what we need is a more experienced wife to guide us with good information and wise counsel. Titus 2:3-4 says: “Similarly, teach the older women to live in a way that honors God. They must not slander others or be heavy drinkers. Instead, they should teach others what is good. These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children” (NLT). Pray that you can find a helpful mentor, and for boldness to reach out to that wife in your midst who can help you in your journey.

Pray for counselors. I’ve had mixed results with counseling myself — which is why I advise getting quality Christian counseling, and stepping away from counselors who aren’t helping. Like any other profession, you can find excellent counselors, good ones, and those not worth continuing to visit. That doesn’t mean counseling itself isn’t effective; rather, pray to find the counselor who helps you or the two of you effectively deal with the issues surrounding your marriage bed. And then pray for them to give you sage advice.

Pray for speakers and authors. I didn’t read blogs back when my marriage was on the chopping block, because they didn’t exist. But I read many marriage books, participated in classes and events, and listened to a lot of HomeWord with Jim Burns. I truly believe God led me to Jim Burns’s program, in which he interviewed marriage and family speakers and authors. Some episodes weren’t all that helpful, others indeed benefited me — but the biggest impact was that, through hearing about marriage resources and the testimonies of those who’d come back from the brink, I believed that my own marriage could be resurrected and could thrive. So I hung in there. And some of the specific messages I received from this show, the classes, the books … were exactly what I needed to hear.

Pray for our podcast. Yeah, this one’s dominating my attention right now. Because for months, we’ve been preparing to launch Sex Chat for Christian Wives, a podcast for your marriage bed hosted by myself, Bonny Burns of OysterBed7, Gaye Christmus of Calm.Healthy.Sexy., and Chris Taylor of The Forgiven Wife. And now the launch date is here: Well, next Tuesday, February 14, Valentine’s Day. We’re praying that our podcast reaches Christian wives who need to hear our message, whether their marriages are doing well but could use nurturing or their marriages are drowning in despair. We hope you’ll pray for us too.

Have you prayed to find the right resources for your marriage bed? And what, if any, other resources should we pray for?