Tag Archives: initiating sex

5 Ways to Initiate Sex with Your Spouse

It’s Saturday, which is the day I give y’all a high-five — that is, a high-five list of practical tips or resources to nurture your marriage bed. And today, I want you to get lucky.

So let’s talk about five ways to initiate sex.

Blog post title + illustration of man and woman kissing and hearts above them

1. Plan a special date.

I don’t know what “special” means to your spouse, but you do (or should). If what turns your honey on is romance, line up the babysitter, plan a romantic dinner out, and return home to a bedroom you’ve set up with candles, rose petals, music, and anything else needed for a night of lovemaking.

If you want to go bigger, book a hotel room. If you have kids, also take care of who’ll be watching the children overnight, so your spouse can relax and know that’s handled. Ask your honey to “dress up” (again, whatever that means to you), and take them out for an evening of dinner, dancing, or a scenic walk. Order room service if you want, and spend the night enjoying one another.

And If you’re on the cheap, make a wonderful meal at home, put on something sexy or lay out something sexy for your spouse to wear, and then snuggle up together for a movie and make-out session. See where it leads.

Just be the one to set things up and show that you long to spend time, in and out of the bedroom, with your spouse.

2. Build anticipation with flirtation.

Send a sexy text telling your beloved what you’re looking forward to. Or share a photo of what you plan to wear that evening (like a string of pearls and a pair of lace undies). Leave a note in your sweetheart’s car or work bag telling them what you want to do later. Whisper in their ear what you’ve got on your mind.

Tease by running your finger along your spouse’s skin at the edge of the fabric they’re wearing or using feather-light touches over the fabric at their erogenous zones. Wives, wear a skirt, nix the underwear, and then tell him you’re going commando. 

Just flirt with your spouse in romantic, affectionate, and sexy ways. Express your longing not only to have sex but to give them sexual pleasure to their heart’s delight.

Whatever sexy flirtation you can come up could help you both anticipate lovemaking.

3. Get an inspiring resource.

Buy something for your marriage bed and then tell your spouse you want to try it out. That can anything from a flavored lube, to a bedroom game, to the Ultimate Intimacy app — which has both conversations and games to play. It can involve getting new lingerie to show off and take off.

Hot, Holy, and Humorous 3D CoverOr hey, I hear there’s this fabulous book with all kinds of ideas you can try: Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design. Bookmark a page or chapter to read together and then experiment to your heart’s delight.

A new item for your marriage bed could be just the inspiration needed to get things revving.

4. Grab the goods.

I probably shouldn’t use the word “grab,” since I don’t want you to injure important jewels by being too rough. However, there’s really no doubting what you have in mind when you just reach over and cup his package. Likewise, some wives enjoy having sudden attention given to their erogenous zones, especially breasts.

Now this doesn’t work for all spouses, because some don’t enjoy being “grabbed” out of nowhere. This can especially be an issue for someone has experienced sexual harassment or assault or a young mom who has had kids hands on her body all day long.

But if you both enjoy it, then touching the goodies could give your spouse that clear signal — it’s go time.

5. Just ask.

This may seem like the least sexy option, but it could be the most effective. The straightforward approach might be just what you need, saying something like: “I love and desire you so much. Could we make love tonight?” It could even be as simple as a wink-wink, nudge-nudge, “Do you wanna?” And if you get turned down, ask when would be a better time and then follow through.

A tip for those with lower-drive spouses: Don’t ask, “Are you in the mood?” because the answer is probably no, even if they would enjoy a session of lovemaking. Instead, ask if they’re willing to have sex and how you can help them get in the mood.

“Just ask” may not sound romantic enough, but it worked for the poetic wife in Song of Songs : “Come, my beloved, let us go to the countryside, let us spend the night in the villages” (7:11). Spoiler alert: He said yes.

Pick your pleasure among these five tips or check out my other post on 40 Ways to Initiate Sex with Your Husband, and get things going in your marriage bed!

Sex Initiation Lines: The Good, the Bad, and the Funny

The Cosby Show ranks as one of my favorite family sitcoms of all time. In one episode, Cliff and Clair Huxtable finally get a night away from the stresses of parenthood when they book a room at a local hotel. All these years later, I remember Cliff’s terrible effort at initiating lovemaking with his beautiful wife.

This strikes a chord with me even now because my get-to-the-point husband often skips the romantic words and lets me know in a more direct way when he is interested in physical intimacy. I started to think that I should write these bad sex initiation lines down. I did. Here are a few on my list:

In the bathroom as I’m putting on my moisturizer: “Do you want to copulate this morning or wait until this evening?”

As I’m putting on my clothes in the morning: “I thought we were going to mate.”

In the afternoon after I promised in the morning that we’d make love that day: “I think you owe me a good time.”

Lying on our bed as he’s watching a game and I’m reading: “Do you want a real-quick quickie?”

“You’ve got to service me later.” Albeit we had agreed on lovemaking that day, so he was attempting to redeem a promise.

Taking off all his clothes and lying on the bed: “You can have your way with me now.”

Thankfully, my husband is married to a gal who looks for opportunities to laugh. If he’d been serious in any of those approaches, he’d have been shot down faster than a North Korean missile over California.

In fact, when I shared with my husband that I’d been collecting his bad sex initiation lines, he responded, “That’s funny. I’ve been record-keeping, and in my book those were successful lines.”

Wow. Have I really set the bar that low? *grin*

This exercise did get me to thinking about how husbands and wives likely view the words used for sex initiation a bit differently. We generally sense that men are visual, women are verbal. The temptation for men is porn; for women, erotica. A “guy flick” is filled with action, while a “chick flick” is filled with conversation. A 20-month-old girl typically has twice the vocabulary of a 20-month-old boy.

However, the stereotypes aren’t true for everyone, and the assumption that women speak a whole lot more than men isn’t supported by research. Yes, Tim the Tool Man, hubbies can use their words.

But what words do we wives wish our hubbies would use to initiate sex? Well, Cliff Huxtable eventually masters it. He expresses how he feels about his wife, letting her know that his desire for physical intimacy is connected to the intimacy they have in other areas of their married life.

My husband has also said some of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard. Those are moments that I treasure and that awaken my desire to be physically intimate with him. I’m not going to share those because they feel so perfect and personal.

But generally, the best sex initiation lines involve one or more of the following:

  • Affirming her beauty
  • Explaining what makes her special
  • Expressing appreciation for what she does
  • Describing what sexual intimacy means to you on a deeper level
  • Proclaiming committed love
  • Thanking God for His gift of marital intimacy

Of course, not every encounter must be worthy of Cyrano de Bergerac. And sometimes, those bad sex initiation lines are funny enough that they work.

But when you read Song of Songs, it’s clear that the Lover totally knows how to use words to make his bride feel beautiful, loved, and desired . . . before he announces his sexual intent.

How beautiful you are and how pleasing,
my love, with your delights!
Your stature is like that of the palm,
and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
I said, “I will climb the palm tree;
I will take hold of its fruit.”

Song of Solomon 7:6-8

Not bad, huh?

So how do you handle sex initiation in your marriage? Are the words important to you? Do you have any of your own less-than-spectacular sex initiation lines to share?

Sources: Sex Linked Lexical Budgets; Cognitive Gender DifferencesBible Gateway