Tag Archives: libido

Q&A with J: Sexual Release Without Sinfulness

Our question for today comes from a wife who is currently separated from her husband, fighting for her marriage, and trying to deal with her restless sex drive. Here it is:

Our sex life has been amazing from day one. I have a very high libido and I just enjoy sex and trying new things, etc. However, we are currently separated due to him falling into an international affair. I am fighting hard for my marriage and I’m praying the Lord will grab his heart and turn him from his sin…

My question is this: I’m 31 years old with a high libido and I feel trapped in how to how to honor the Lord with my sexuality right now. How can I get a release without indulging in anything sinful? I believe masturbation is okay, especially in my situation, but it has become really hard to climax without having a scenario in my head. I believe erotica can erode a marriage, but are there certain types of erotica that can help people people in my situation?

Blog post title + woman under bed covers with arms raised

First off, I’m praying for your marriage too, and I invite my readers to do the same. Obviously, the best answer is for this marriage to be not only restored but brought to a place of thriving.

Yet whatever happens, you have to deal with this high libido that was awakened in marriage and now has no place to be satisfied. I feel for you. Your sex drive doesn’t just go away when your spouse is gone; it can be a hungry little beast when not properly fed.

You essentially have three ways to deal with a restless sex drive.

1. Release it.

That’s where your question heads to: “How can I get a release without indulging in anything sinful?” You say that masturbation is okay, and I’ve laid out my own position on this blog before. A summary of my perspective would be that masturbation that brings you and your spouse closer together is okay and masturbation that draws sexual energy away from your spouse is not okay.

Long physical separation from your spouse could be one of those times when it’s beneficial to “take the edge off” so that you can remain focused on your husband and your intimacy with him and not be tempted by another’s man attention, get cranky with your husband because it’s been way too long, etc. But imagining a scenario in your mind that doesn’t involve your husband takes sexual energy away from him; it’s inherently detrimental to your relationship.

If you’re imagining anything other than your hubby in your mind, you’re in sinful territory. And that’s what erotica encourages you to do. Jesus said, “But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28, NLT). Of course that also applies to a woman looking, or imagining, a man with lust.

Ideally, if you’re masturbating to be able to withstand a long physical separation from your spouse, you’re doing so with their knowledge, support, and even presence (yes, some married couples Skype and simultaneously pleasure themselves). In your case, however, that’s not possible. So you need to be careful about how you engage in this physical release.

Look at your motives, your heart and your mind, and what will best keep your sexual energy on your marriage. Prayerfully ask those questions and listen for God’s answers.

2. Channel it.

You don’t have to use sexual energy sexually. That pent-up feeling can be channeled toward other activities. For instance, physical exercise can help diffuse that tension. It’s another way to be active, experience body chemical highs, and end up with that level of fatigue you sometimes feel at the end of sex.

I’m sure you’re also missing that physical touch that comes with sexual connection. You can refocus your desire for sexual affection to other forms of affection and other relationships. Spend more time with family. Volunteer in your church’s nursery. Head to a convalescent home and hold hands with an old woman, who might also have some wise life advice to share while you’re there.

Check out these and other ideas on what to do with your sexual energy when you’re not attached in this post.

3. Ignore it.

You’re probably thinking, I can’t! It’s impossible to ignore. But hear me out. In psychology, there’s a principle called extinction. In behavioral therapy, we know that linking a stimulus and a consequence causes people to expect the latter when the former shows up. The classic experiment is Pavlov’s dogs who heard a bell before being fed and thereafter drooled for food whenever they heard the bell ring. But if you de-couple that stimulus and consequence (bell → food), eventually the conditioned response (drooling) goes away. That’s extinction.

Right now, your hungry little beast — aka, your sex drive — wants to be fed. But it doesn’t literally need to be fed. You don’t have to have sex for your heart to keep beating. So it’s possible to use a bit of extinction in dealing with your drive.

I don’t believe your libido will completely go away, because our sexuality is an integral, God-given part of our humanity. But if you constantly shove juicy morsels at that beast, it will keep coming and coming, demanding to be fed. If you ignore it, eventually your drive will diminish. Enough to be more manageable.

Lest you think I’m being completely unrealistic, my husband and I did not have sex for about four months when expecting our second child. I was right in that high-libido part of my pregnancy when my doctor announced that health risks precluded intercourse. I did a lot of ignoring my drive, and so did my husband. Over time, it got less demanding. So I believe it can be done.

(By the way, for those who are in a marriage where you should be having sex and one of you has been practicing extinction, this might help to explain why it’s hard to get going again. But you should, for the sake of your marriage.)

Which of the three options should you choose? Each of them — releasing your sex drive, channeling it, ignoring it — could be beneficial depending on the motives, circumstances, and goals. But ask serious questions about what would honor God and your marriage when deciding what to do.

Once again, I’m praying that your marriage will be saved.

5 Truths for High-Drive Wives

When it comes to sexual intimacy, I’ve had an interesting journey. I’ve been the virgin, the “technical virgin,” the so-not-a-virgin, the redeemed bride, the lots-of-sex newlywed, the no-libido wife, and the higher-drive wife. Sometimes I wonder if God allowed me to be put in all of these scenarios so that I can have compassion for people in different circumstances.

As 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

Although every situation is unique, there’s something about the general been there, done that which makes you understand someone else’s struggle just a bit more.

So believe me when I say that I’m very sensitive to those wives who read, hear, and see the constant message that men are incredibly eager to have sex … yet their experience doesn’t bear that out. As a high-drive wife, I remember falling into conversations with other Christian women and feeling like a penguin in a tropical forest — the only one of my kind and completely out-of-place. Was I the only wife who wanted more sex in her marriage?

5 Truths for High-Drive Wives

On Monday’s post, I responded to a comment thread about a higher-drive wife with the following:

When we’re going through a tough situation, it’s so easy to feel like everyone else is doing okay in that area and you’re alone in your misery. But…this isn’t some freakish thing for a wife to be the higher-drive spouse or for a husband to be less interested in sex. As I read and study this issue more and more, I’ve become convinced it’s maybe 1/4 of marriages. That’s hardly a small number!

Look at it this way: As of 2014, there were over 59 million married women in the United States. If 25% of those are higher-drive wives, that 14.75 million women whose husbands aren’t pawing at them all day long. Even if it’s 10%, that’s still 5.9 million wives. Hey, just imagine I’m completely wrong, and it’s 5% — still almost 3 million women. It just might help to put this into perspective and realize that, while a difference in sex drive can be a challenge that needs addressing, being the higher-drive wife doesn’t make you as rare as a dodo bird — far from it.

Today, I just want that to sink in for all of you higher-drive wives. There are millions of women like you. You are not alone.

I know that doesn’t solve your problem of libido differences with your husband. But sometimes we need start by recognizing some truths about what’s normal. So let me speak five truths to you higher-drive wives wondering a few things about yourself:

1. You are normal. You cannot find me a Bible verse, a biology textbook, or a quality marriage expert that says there’s anything wrong or weird about the female having the higher libido. Frankly, I’m thinking we should move away from talking about what’s typical or normal versus atypical and abnormal, and instead talk about what’s healthy and unhealthy. And desiring your spouse sexually is absolutely healthy.

2. You are not a “nympho.” Well, admittedly, someone out there might be. But overall, wanting sex more than your husband doesn’t make you a crazed sex fiend or a “slut” or any of the other labels that might float through your head from time to time. Would you ever let a friend call herself such awful names? Then why would you let your inner voice call you any of those wrong, hurtful names even one more time? Speak the truth about who you are.

3. You are not ugly. Given the ongoing messages about men being driven to have sex, and women being less interested, when you discover your situation is different, the first question often asked is “What’s wrong with me?” You wonder why he doesn’t want you the way you expected any red-blooded male would dive into the opportunity to have sex. But there are only a handful of times I’ve heard of sexual rejection being appearance-based. And if your husband is rejecting you because you gained a few pounds or whatever, then you’ve got bigger issues than a mismatch in sex drives.

4. You are not alone. It’s not true that no one else in the world understands your heartache. Other women in similar situations need your encouragement, and you need theirs. My hubby and I took the popular Marriage Helper course twice, and the first time I was the only woman in our small group who listed Sexual Fulfillment as one of my top marriage needs; the second time around, there was a like-minded wife in the class (bless her!), and it was affirming to have another wife who understood. Thank goodness we were both wiling to speak up!

5. Your sex drive matters. In marriage, both of you matter — his sex drive and yours. Ideally, you work together to find physical intimacy that pleasures and sates you both. If the lower-drive spouse isn’t there yet, it doesn’t mean the higher-drive spouse should squelch their natural desire to be sexually intimate with their beloved. You may have a bigger hill to climb to get to where you want to go, but start walking. Because your sex drive, and your sex life, matters — to you and to your marriage. God wants you to both enjoy satisfying sexual intimacy, and that’s a goal worth pursuing. You will likely need patience, wisdom, and perseverance, but aren’t those qualities we always need when we’re stretched to grow in our lives?

I hope you can hear these truths, and remind yourself of them often. I have a whole chapter in Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design just for higher-drive wives, with specific ideas on how to proceed. But start with knowing who you are — a healthy, desirable wife, who simply has a challenge to be addressed. And then pray to know that next step.

Reminder: Check out details about my fabulous September giveaway by clicking HERE.

Sept 2016 Giveaway 1

How Libido Works: For Women, That Is

If you follow me here or on social media, you’ll quickly discover that I share a lot of what Sheila Wray Gregoire of To Love, Honor, and Vacuum writes. That’s because we have very similar views on sex in marriage, and her wisdom is well worth my readers’ time.

Not to mention that we’re friends. Which is one of major bonuses of doing what I do — getting to meet like-minded people who are smart, fun, and Christ-like.

It’s my pleasure to share her with you today! Sheila’s here to talk about how libido works — for women, that is. Because it’s not how many of us were taught that sex drive works. And now…Sheila.How Libido Works: For Women, That IsHave you ever noticed that movies and TV shows make women’s sex drives look just like men’s?

Here’s what happens, pretty much every time: the couple’s together, and they start to pant. So they fall into each other’s arms and they begin to kiss. Then the clothes come off. And then they end up in bed.

They pant, they kiss, they take off their clothes, and they end up in bed.

Pant. Kiss. Clothes. Bed.

Every time.

If this is what you see, over and over, you may begin to think that’s natural.

So there you are, at home with your husband, and you’re waiting to pant.

And nothing happens.

So you figure, “I guess I’m just not in the mood”, and you return to browsing Pinterest or you go and make another cup of tea.

But what if that whole portrayal of women’s and men’s sex drives is wrong?

Rosemary Abbott of the University of British Columbia did a study a while ago that found that while men tend to be aroused BEFORE they started to make love (that’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?), most women are not aroused UNTIL they start. They’re not panting at all!

Instead, they make the decision to make love, and then once they start, they relax enough and tell themselves, “I am going to have FUN tonight!” It’s only then that their bodies kick in.

For women, our sex drives are primarily in our heads. If our heads aren’t engaged, our bodies won’t follow.

But that also means that we have a great deal of power when it comes to our libidos! Instead of waiting to feel in the mood, we can tell ourselves positive things about sex: “I am going to enjoy this tonight.” “I am going to sleep so well after this!” Or even, “I am going to rock my husband’s world!”

Unfortunately, many of us don’t quite understand this. We figure that our bodies should kick in if he does the right thing, romances us the right way, or touches just the right place. So we start making love, but while we’re doing that we’re also composing shopping lists in our heads, trying to figure out if there’s enough milk in the fridge to get us through breakfast, and planning our errands route for tomorrow. So sex feels lousy. And it must be his fault, because he’s just not doing it right!

Now, there’s no doubt that husbands often need to learn what makes wives feel good (because many husbands don’t understand foreplay, for instance!). But it’s also true that one night he could do something that has you in raptures, and three nights later he’s doing exactly the same thing, move for move, and you’re lying there thinking, “Will you just get over with because I want to get to sleep!” It’s not about what he’s doing; it’s about what you’re thinking!

That’s why great sex isn’t about panting beforehand and it isn’t JUST about him doing the right thing. It’s also about us concentrating and putting our brains to work for us!

When you make love, ask yourself, “What feels good right now?” That makes your brain cut off that shopping list and concentrate instead on your body. And you just may find that it does feel good, after all!

God made women so that our response isn’t as automatic as men’s sexual response tends to be.

We have to make the decision that we want to make love. We even have to make the decision that we’re going to have a good time! But I think there’s a logic behind that. Because we need to make that decision, then both husbands and wives have an incentive to work on feeling intimate outside of the bedroom, too. We have to build goodwill towards each other to even want to make love in the first place. If our sexual response was always automatic, then our relationships could be quite shallow.

Instead, when things work well, we get the best of both worlds. We feel close to our husbands, and we feel great in the bedroom. But ultimately it’s up to us: will we decide to jump in and take the initiative, or will we sit back and wait for the panting to happen?

Personally, I’d suggest jumping in. Sex helps you sleep better. Sex helps you feel closer. Plus great sex feels amazing! It’s too great a gift to leave to chance. So decide to have fun tonight, and see what happens!

Sheila WC 100Sheila is the author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex. She blogs everyday at To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Come on over and download her free ebook, 36 Ways to Bring Sexy Back to The Bedroom!

Thanks, Sheila! I love this wise advice.

A Wife’s Guide to Sexual Man Speak

Last Thursday, I wrote a post that got some flak. Because I explained how my husband tried to initiate sex in the middle of the night. In our conversation later, he’d said something like, “I woke up and felt turned on.” Which makes it sound like he just had an urge and expected my body to meet his “need.” Not at all what happened, because I know how loving and gentle his advances were, how he views sex in our marriage generally, and how to translate man-speak.

A Wife's Guide to Sexual Man Speak

Oh, if only our men would express their heartfelt desire for closeness and connection the way heroes do in the pages of romantic novels! Novels almost all written by women.

I’m not knocking all romance novels. I actually enjoy some of them. But many do a poor job of illuminating the mind of a man. We can come to expect that a man’s mind works much like ours does, and then when we find out otherwise we’re offended that “men are pigs.”

But they’re not. They’re just a different side of the same human coin. So let’s give our husbands some grace, remember that — by and large — husbands truly love their wives, and translate some common hubby phrases when it comes to sex.

“I’m turned on.”

It sounds like he flipped a switch and expects you to be ready to go just as fast, right? But really, this translates to “You turn me on.”

I’m not saying a man never gets turned on by other stuff, or just it being that time of the day. (Even with all the research I’ve done, I still find their equipment to be a bit of a mystery.) But the consistent message I hear from husbands is that they get most turned on by being with the wife they love.

And it can happen slowly or quickly. It could build from intimate actions and deep feelings throughout the day, or she can just walk through the room naked. Maybe that’s why it feels so weird to hear “I’m turned on” for some wives. Because the pattern for women is more often getting turned on after romantic and sexual activity begin, while hubby can get turned on by you and then seek a sexual encounter.

Just be assured it’s most likely about you. Not simply a burning need in his pants.

(Note: Men do get turned on by porn, and that’s a whole different issue. God definitely intended the turn-on stimulus to be one another, not third parties or images of third parties. If porn is a struggle in your marriage, it needs to be addressed immediately, lovingly, and firmly.)

“I need sex.” 

Speaking of need, here’s another phrase you might hear in your marriage: “I need sex.” This rarely means “I have a purely biological need to have sex, and you’ll do.” Yes, God did make us sexual beings, with reproductive biology and sex drives. Most husbands feel sex as a need. But husbands tell me again and again that their need for emotional connection to their wives is even stronger.

Yes, he “needs” sex in the sense that he has a biological drive to sate the desire he feels in his gut, his brain, and, oh yeah, his groin. (It’s all connected.) But “I need sex” is more about “I long to experience the love and intimacy I feel when I have sex my beloved wife.”

“I want you.”

In too many wives’ minds, we complete that sentence with extra stuff. Like “I want you to do me a sexual favor,” “I want you to be at my beck-and-call,” “I want you to sate my desire.” Yeah, I get it. To some extent, those are all in the fantasy wheelhouse for plenty of husbands. Not all — yes, I see you, higher-drive wives! — but some.

We wives often put the emphasis on want when, once again, it should be on the you. And very often, it means that he wants all of you. Not just your body. He wants you to be fully involved in the experience, giving yourself 100% to the physical intimacy that binds you together as one flesh. He wants all of you engaged in the marriage bed.

I suspect most of us know the difference between letting your body show up for sex and engaging your whole self in sexual intimacy. When your husband says he wants you, consider that he wants all of you — your heart, your body, your pleasure, your connection.

“You’re beautiful.”

To husbands, this means: “You’re beautiful.” Yep, they’re actually saying what they mean. Unfortunately, we ladies often read their words as “he’s just saying that,” “he only wants sex,” “he knows I’m not as beautiful as ____.”

But for the most part, hubbies think their wives are hot. Not because we’re all objectively Helens of Troy, but our guys love us, they have history with us, they like our curves, they think our smile is cute, they know that bodies don’t stay 20 years old forever, etc. Basically, your husband’s love for you gives him special vision that helps him see past the pounds, wrinkles, and self-doubt to the beautiful you that you truly are.

For the men.

And guys, do you see how you come off sometimes to women? I get that many of you are straight-to-the-point, as-few-words-as-possible men. Believe me, I’m married to one. But use your words to express what you really mean and what your wife really means to you.

If you want sex with your wife, express that you want her, not just the sex. Your wife is worth the extra effort to consider your words carefully and be a little more of a romantic hero in her life.

Also worth reading: Ten Lies Wives Believe about Sex (And Ten Truths Husbands Want You To Know)Sex Savvy February 2016 Ad

Q&A with J: “I Can’t Remember What It Feels Like to Be Aroused”

Today’s email from a reader is short, but packed with issues. This wife has faced several struggles with sex and worries that she’s going to be stuck with these problems forever.

I’ve been struggling through theses past few months breaking down mental and physical blocks towards sex. I guess I should probably start at the beginning. Three years ago my husband and I got married and we were both virgins. The whole time we dated I would shut down any feelings I would get of arousal, I felt a lot of shame for those feelings. By the time we made it to our wedding bed I had essentially made myself react a-sexually. I felt nothing, well, I felt pain. A lot of pain that worsened each time we had sex. Fast forward to a few months ago (I had a baby) and I couldn’t stand penetration, it hurt so bad. Turns out the physical side of my problems was Vaginismus. I’ve been treated and now I’m slowly getting to the point where I don’t feel guilty for having or asking for sex anymore. I’m still breastfeeding but I’m worried that even after I stop my hormones won’t work. I can’t even remember what it feels like to be aroused, I haven’t even had an orgasm (during sex) which has been a disappointment for my husband. Do I need to wait until I stop breastfeeding to see if my hormones are messed up and that’s why it seems like nothing is working? I’m worried I’m going to be stuck this way forever.

Q&A with J: "I Can't Remember What It Feels Like to Be Aroused"

Let’s start with the good news. You desire something better, and you’re seeking treatment for one of your sexual issues. That’s wonderful. Because some spouses, faced with deep challenges, simply throw up their hands and give up. Instead, you realize something is missing and it’s worth seeking sexual intimacy for him, for you, and for your marriage.

Anyone experiencing pain during intercourse should visit the doctor, explain the issue, and request a physical examination. There are several legitimate reasons why sex might hurt, but there are also answers. Seek treatment quickly and persistently so you can move toward the sexual intimacy God wants you to have in your marriage.

In this reader’s case, it’s vaginismus — the involuntarily tensing of muscles in the vagina, which makes it painful or impossible to have intercourse. It is a treatable condition, and Sheila Wray Gregoire wrote well on this topic: Wifey Wednesday: When Sex Hurts.

Now let’s deal with the other issues.

Shame about arousal. The reader writes: “The whole time we dated I would shut down any feelings I would get of arousal, I felt a lot of shame for those feelings. By the time we made it to our wedding bed I had essentially made myself react a-sexually.” Unfortunately, some women have received so many don’t-have-sex messages that they mistake their God-given sexuality for sinfulness. Even when they simply feel aroused, they experience shame.

The purity message in the Church can be so strong we end up communicating not only that good girls don’t, but good girls don’t even think about it. That’s entirely unrealistic and unsupported by Scripture. Rather, God created our bodies to respond in sensual ways to the one we love but commanded we express those feelings in the right context — the marriage bed.

The way to combat the shame you’ve felt is to consistently replace it with truth, retraining your thoughts to line up with God’s plan. Reading biblically based blogs and books about Christian sexuality can help, but the Scriptures themselves are the best place to go for ultimate truth. Read the Song of Songs through more than once, and consider that God, the Creator of sex, made sure that book was in His Holy Word. My devotional book, Intimacy Revealed, specifically walks wives through scriptures that relate to sex in the marriage bed, showing how God designed us to experience pleasurable sensations and physical intimacy with our spouses.

When you begin to feel shame or tension, remind yourself of God’s goodness and His generosity when it comes to sex. Purity is no sex outside of marriage, not no sex at all. A wife having amazing sex in her marriage is absolutely pure.

Purity is no sex outside of marriage, not no sex at all. A wife having amazing sex in her marriage is… Click To Tweet

Role of hormones. Hormones definitely affect arousal and pleasure. Certain times of the month are easier to engage than others, and pregnancy and breastfeeding years can be challenging to one’s libido and sexual response.

That said, hormones aren’t everything. Usually, when a woman’s hormones are in the way, it means that sexual engagement requires more effort, but it can be done. You might not have an independent sex drive, but you can get turned on and awaken your drive in the moment. It might take more foreplay to get things going. You might need additional lubrication. Certain positions might be more comfortable than others.

Likewise, breastfeeding can lower your libido, but it shouldn’t keep your body from responding sexually unless something else is going on. I experienced too-low estrogen while nursing, and once that was remedied, I was fine. So if you think breastfeeding is messing with your sexuality, talk to your doctor.

Your marital intimacy shouldn’t have to wait for months on end until everything is back to “normal.” Look for ways to engage sexually now.

Elusive arousal. Who wants to have sex without being aroused? I suspect the answer is nobody, but I can state with certainty — not me and not you. Quality arousal is key to experiencing satisfying sexual intimacy with your husband.

How can you rediscover the sensation of arousal? Some of your issues are indeed physical and you’re addressing them, so let’s talk about other ways to foster responsiveness. I suggest reading my post on preparing for sex, which might help you get in the right frame of mind. With some anticipation and preparation, you can begin to awaken your senses.

You can also engage in foreplay that focuses on the five senses. For instance, ask him to apply massage oil or lotion all over your body, and let that experience relax you. Close your eyes, and let him touch you lightly up and down your arms and legs, then your torso, and moving toward your private areas. He can use his hands, just fingers, or something soft like a feather.

When you’re engaged in sexual activity, try to block out anything other than the sensations your body is experiencing. Okay, don’t block out your husband, but you know what I mean. We wives can have wandering minds, and you’ll enjoy lovemaking more if you attend exclusively to your interaction.

You might also feel more engaged looking directly into your husband’s eyes or communicating verbally during sex. Some wives respond more to these reminders that sex in marriage goes beyond physical pleasure into the realm of intense intimacy.

Feel free to speak up for what your body desires or reposition his hands or mouth where you think it will feel good. If something doesn’t feel good, speak up then too. Make it clear to your husband that you’re learning too, and you want to figure out together what will make you more enthusiastic about making love.

And breathe. Just breathe. One of the best things you can do is when you start having sensations, slowly exhale. That will relax your body and help you lean into the pleasure.

Absent orgasm. You stated you cannot orgasm, then put in parentheses during sex. Does that mean you can reach orgasm through foreplay? If so, that’s great! It’s more difficult for women to climax during intercourse, because it’s stimulation of the clitoris — direct or indirect — that results in orgasm. In foreplay, your husband can hone in on that target and stimulate you into ecstasy. Having him inside may not allow sufficient stimulation of your clitoris to get you to that peak of pleasure.

If you want to orgasm during intercourse, here are some tips:

  • Request more time in foreplay, getting yourself very close to orgasm when he penetrates. You might even want to go ahead and have a single orgasm before intercourse. It can be easier to reach climax after you’ve almost-climaxed or climaxed before.
  • Try other sexual positions. Angling your hips or having him move up toward your chest can increase his body’s contact with your clitoris. Some wives also do better with rear entry positions. Just give different positions a shot and see what feels good.
  • Ask him to continue touching your clitoris during intercourse. This is easier in certain sexual positions, like woman-on-top, where he can easily view the area.
  • Stroke your own clitoris while he thrusts. You can apply the right kind of touch and pressure to yourself, and many husbands enjoy seeing their wives so into the experience.

But if you don’t orgasm during intercourse, don’t sweat it. Just enjoy the ones you have and keep trying. If you think you might orgasm during sex, and it doesn’t happen, ask him to continue to pleasure you to climax after he finishes. Many husbands are willing to keep going until their wife is fully satisfied. Over time, you may figure out how to orgasm during intercourse. In the meantime, enjoy what you have.

Eternity feeling. When you’re in the midst of hardship, and it doesn’t abate quickly, it can feel like you’ll be there forever. Just read these poignant verses from the Psalm 44:22-26, as the psalmist pleads with God:

Wake up, O Lord! Why do you sleep?
  Get up! Do not reject us forever.
Why do you look the other way?
  Why do you ignore our suffering and oppression?
We collapse in the dust,
  lying face down in the dirt.
Rise up! Help us!
  Ransom us because of your unfailing love.

That sounds pretty hopeless, right? But if you’re calling out to God and both seeking answers, your current situation won’t last forever.

However, you might be there longer than you wish. Actually, you already have.

Still, remain faithful to pursuing God’s design for your marriage. Galatians 6:9 says, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” God is with you in this journey, and you can nurture your sexual intimacy. Just don’t give up.