Tag Archives: personal testimony

Sharing My Own Story

I’ve told bits and pieces of my own story regarding sexual intimacy here and there throughout this blog, and more of it is entailed in the My Story page.

But today I’m focusing a bit more on what I went through and how it affected my initial years of my marriage. Here’s my story: Inside My Head.

Pen writing "My Story" on paper

17 Years Old

I haven’t had sex. Totally haven’t had sex. Fine, call me a “technical virgin.” But that word virgin is still in there, right? (Right?)

I don’t mean to go over the line with guys. I just end up there somehow. I tell myself I’ll keep anything beyond kissing from happening, and then he’s there and I’m there and we’re kissing and it’s hot and heavy and things just, well, happen. And once they’re already happening, it’s too late. Might as well enjoy it.

Besides, who decides what’s too far anyway? Whenever we ask that question of an adult in church or some youth event, we get one of two answers — “Just don’t have sex” (which is what I’m doing) or “Don’t ever be alone with a boy.” Seriously? Who are these people? It’s like they’ve forgotten what it was to be a teenager.

And I don’t even think they like kissing and foreplay and sex. That one wife in our “becoming a woman” Bible class pinches up her face every time one of us girls mentions it. Do they know what it’s like to have your heart thumping and your head floating and your lips entangled with a guy you really, really want to be with? Do they know how hard it is to say no when all that’s going on inside you?

Still, I’ll keep from doing the big thing. I’ll be a virgin until I marry. I will. Promise.

22 Years Old

When it comes to counting my lovers, it’s not a big number, at least not in the secular world. But it’s a big deal to me. And as much as I’ve tried to rationalize my decisions, I suspect it’s a big deal to God.

I apologize and try to repent each time, but I simply keep failing. I completely understand Paul’s statement that “the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” So very, very weak.

Although honestly, why did God make it feel so physically good? And why must I wait until I someday get married? I could have waited if I’d lived in biblical times, because they say Mary was probably a teenager, maybe even 15 or 16, when she got married. I was pure as new white porcelain when I was 16.

Now? Not so much.

Though here’s the real question: What wonderful Christian man wants this package of damaged goods?

Then again, what besides my sexuality do I have to offer? I’m not particularly beautiful or poised or rich or whatever. I’m smart, but how far does smart go? When it comes to who you want to kiss at night, are you thinking, Hey, this girl reads Tolstoy. I so want her!?

Still, there’s got to be a better way.

26 years old

“Sadie, Sadie, married lady, that’s me!” I can’t believe I’ve picked the guy, said the I Do‘s, and moved in with my lifetime love. Me? The girl whose monogamy track record is less than stellar. I had too much of a “love the one you’re with” approach.

But now I have this heart-sure feeling this is The One (cue serious music). I love him, more and deeper than any other. I can envision our lives together, lasting many years into the future. “Till Death Do Us Part.”

For the time being, however, it’s nice living in the present. The present that includes making love almost every day. Our sexual intimacy is amazing.

Although sometimes I’m nervous around him. Cautious about showing too much or seeming too experienced or eager. That uninhibited part of me comes from my days of premarital promiscuity, the days I’d now like to forever forget. (Why can’t I just forget?) After all, I’m Sadie, Sadie, married lady, so I really should be more feminine, more reserved, more coquettish. If I act like I did before, doesn’t that just make me a slut? All over again?

I have to keep that part of me inside. Bury it. Ignore it. Hope it goes away. I’m legit now. I’m not that same person I was before. Right?

God has forgiven me. Hasn’t He?

♦     ♦     ♦

So I just let you inside my head to hear what was going on regarding my sexual intimacy through the years. But the story doesn’t finish there. Not by a long shot! It took a while, but God righted my heart and my life regarding sexual intimacy.

I learned the difference between trying to do the right thing in my own might and surrendering to God. I learned God had indeed forgiven me and I needed to accept His grace, the grace He sacrificed His own son to give. I learned God was not punishing me for past sins when I experienced difficulties regarding sexual intimacy in marriage, that ongoing challenges were par for the course and opportunities to deepen my trust in His perfect plan.

I learned my husband never saw me in terms of my wayward past, that I was his cherished wife and lover. I learned that trying some different things and letting go of inhibitions could positively affect our marriage bed. I learned to feel good about my body and the beauty I possess.

I learned my past hardship and heartache shouldn’t be ignored or buried or wished away, but could be part of my personal testimony — from which to help others who struggle with sexual intimacy.

I learned that even regarding sex, God knows what He’s talking about. His design is good.

The words “THE END” haven’t been written on my story. There’s more to come. Yet I have absolute faith my story will end with the phrase: “And, with God’s help, she lived happily ever after.”

Now what’s your story? What lessons have you learned along the way?

The Importance of Testimony (on my blog anniversary)

Anniversary present

Photo credit: Microsoft Word Clip Art

While staring at the December calendar with the usual anxiety that faces me in the holiday crunch, I realized that December 5 marks a full year of blogging! Good grief, how did that happen?

In this past year, I have tackled various topics related to sexuality and marriage from a biblical and, let’s face it, blunt point of view. But I started this blog with my Personal Testimony. And I’ve decided to mark my anniversary this way as well – highlighting the importance of our personal stories of difficulty, faith, healing, and victory.

As young children, we come into this world expecting everyone to cater to our needs, desires, and whims. Oftentimes, they do just that. However, it doesn’t take too long before most of us realize that life isn’t a fairy tale – or maybe that it is (in the original Red Riding Hood, the wolf swallows the girl).

Life is hard. This world is broken by sin and selfishness. We are challenged by natural disasters, physical setbacks, relational heartbreak, and the consequences of our own poor choices. Whether our wounds are delivered by others or self-inflicted, they hurt. Many of them hurt deeply.

We can lose sight of God…if we ever had Him in our view. We can feel that things are hopeless. We can wonder how it will ever get better.

Those of us who remain committed, who call on God’s help, and who time and time again get back up and get back on track find that we emerge stronger than ever. Our faith and will have been tested, and with God’s grace we have come out the other side.

My own testimony begins with a lost teenage girl looking for love in all the wrong places. Some people would have called me promiscuous, but the term I used in my own moments of stark honesty was “slut.” By throwing intense physical closeness into the mix so early in my relationships, I made sure they all exploded within a few months. My heart broke over and over again, and my body was used for someone else’s pleasure more times than I could count.

Finally, I stood at a fork in the road and had to make a decision. Go my own way, or get up again and recommit to getting this love thing right. By the grace of God, I can say that those days are a faint memory. My long marriage to my husband is a great one. I only have eyes for him. I am forgiven. I am whole. (1 Corinthians 6:9-11).

Moreover, I have a personal testimony as to how God pulled me off the road to self-destruction and bound up my broken heart.

A huge part of continuing to live out Christianity is having a personal story of how God has worked in your life. By now, I have several stories of God’s work in me. After all, it isn’t a one-time thing. Both faith in God and marriage require a daily commitment to doing the right thing and allowing God to mold you over time.

Through this blog, I now have a really cool testimony of how God has taken my broken places in the realm of sexuality and turned them into a ministry of encouragement and help for married couples.

I know people out there have their own stories of how God has worked in their lives. In fact, one of my favorite parts of blogging is hearing from readers. So many of you have amazing wisdom and our own personal testimony.

So here’s the anniversary present I ask from readers: Briefly recount something God has done in your life, your marriage, your faith walk. Share your personal testimony with someone here. They might learn a lot from the rocky road you’ve been on and the victorious path you are now walking. I can’t wait to read the comments!