Monthly Archives: December 2010

Does Your Sex Life Need Coaching?

Whether you’re an aspiring Olympic athlete or a nascent little leaguer, the only effective way to improve your game is through good coaching and practice. It’s true with anything in the physical realm. If I step away from this keyboard, drop down, and attempt 100 push-ups, I will likely collapse somewhere between push-up number 29 and a massive heart attack. But if I head to the gym where a personal trainer shows me how to exercise properly and encourages me to add a little more to my repertoire each day, within a few months I could face the likes of Jillian Michaels without a single tear.

So what makes us think it’s any different in the bedroom?

Every now and then, I come upon a woman in her 30’s or 40’s who has never experienced an orgasm. Of course, there is the possibility of physiological or psychological problems prohibiting such ecstasy, but I have to wonder if her hubby couldn’t use a good coaching session. Maybe he’s not doing it right, you know?

Back in college, I knew a young woman more experienced in the ways of the flesh than I. One day, she explained how to perform earth-shaking fellatio without mentally craving a Heimlich maneuver. (Those of you who are squeamish after my use of the word “fellatio” may wish to skip over the next sentence.) And she pulled out a banana to demonstrate.

The truth is, as much as that memory makes me shudder with embarrassment, her advice helped a lot. Where else I would have gotten that tip? Where do people learn these things? There are websites, books, and videos, but most tend toward the pornographic. Moreover, it would be my luck to get in the check-out line at the local Barnes & Noble with The Joy of Sex in my hand and have a church leader fall in behind me with the latest Max Lucado tome in his hand. I would definitely be praying then–that he wouldn’t peek over my shoulder.

Maybe that’s why people listened to sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer. She appeared to be a good-natured grandmother while talking authoritatively, calmly, and naturally about sexual things. But who are the Dr. Ruths of our Christian community? If someone wiser doesn’t coach you, how will improve your game?

Since my college friend’s fruit-centered lesson, I have from time to time had a tip whispered to me in the privacy of a close friendship conversation. I’ve given a few tips as well. They are helpful. And I’m thankful for the wise advice of friends helping me to fan the flames of marital intimacy.

I may not be a Major Leaguer in the marital bedroom, but I hit it out of the park sometimes. And some of that is due to quality coaching.If you need a little adjustment in your swing, so to speak, look around for a wise confidante who will speak both frankly and privately. Those women are out there.

And if your husband needs tips, well, that’s another story. If he’s open to reading the manual for assembling an entertainment center for his new 60-inch flat screen, maybe he would take to a book of bedroom how-to’s from the experts. But be careful who’s in the check-out line at the bookstore.Better yet, order the book online.

P.S. I’m currently tackling a tower of Christian marriage and sexuality books. I have read some good  books in the past as well. I’ll post some recommended titles soon!

You’re Not Competing

  • NFL cheerleader calendars 
  • Airbrushed cover model photos
  • Larger-than-life, ever-so-revealing posters at Victoria’s Secret
  • Hooters restaurants
  • Women leaning over near our husbands with a low-cut dress, impossibly large breasts, and a WonderBra
  • Women bending over near our husbands with low-cut jeans, a black lacy thong, and a butterfly tramp stamp

Why do we dislike these things?

Women are hard-wired to see every major and minor flaw in our physique. Meanwhile, men are hard-wired to drool like Pavlov’s dogs at any bootylicious babe within a five-mile radius. Sometimes, we find ourselves in situations that scream, You aren’t doing it for him, and that chick is!

Perhaps I’m overly sensitive. Does my husband really spend his time in the grocery line gazing at the Cosmopolitan magazine cover model with the caption “1001 Ways to Please Your Man”? Does he fixate on the hard-body 19 year old in her string bikini jogging up the beach while I drag our children, a beach umbrella, a mesh tote, and sand buckets to the shoreline? I’ve never caught him doing so.

But sometimes I wonder how my man can be satisfied with the not-so-perfect gal he’s got at home when there are so many gorgeous ladies behind the other Let’s-Make-a-Deal doors?

And yet, most men are quite content.For a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Or, in this case, a pretty-enough wife in the home is worth two babes in the magazine. I love what Paul Newman said about staying true to his wife of fifty years: “Why fool around with hamburger when you have steak at home?” Was Joanne Woodward the prettiest woman you’ve ever seen? She was to Paul, and she was right there at home.

The Bible is clear that we need to keep our eyes from those who would entice us away from a faithful marriage (Job 31:1). But if your husband happens to catch a glimpse of Megan Fox, Angelina Jolie, or Beyoncé in a particularly revealing outfit or pose, he’s not thinking about that when you get home and change into your birthday suit. You’re not in competition at that moment with every teaser and tantalizer. Intimacy and availability trump imperfection every time.

Besides, unlike supermodels, most of us do not have a nanny to care for our children while a personal trainer and dietitian whip us into shape, a make-up artist and fashion designer to ready us for a photo shoot, or a photographer and magazine editor to airbrush out arm flab and crows’ feet. Our husbands know that. Even so, we should display to them the beauty that God delicately wove into us.

Your husband found you attractive, chose you, wants you. You are still desirable. Keep yourself up, as best you can. Help him have eyes only for you. And remember, when you are in his sights, images of other women fall out of his memory like old high school algebra equations.

“You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.”

Song of Songs 4:7

Pillow Talk…or If Your Pillow Could Talk

Your pillow experiences a lot.It has been squished down underneath your head, your husband’s head, and your child’s head when she shows up at 4:00 a.m. and crawls into bed with twelve of her stuffed animals and a ratty blanket that last saw the inside of a clothes washer weeks ago.  It has soaked up the tears that fell from your eyes after a heart-wrenching argument with your husband, the news of a good friend losing her life to cancer, or the simple realization that life is unbelievably overwhelming and only God can get you through.

The pillow has been wedged under thighs, shoulders, knees, hips, etc. to relieve the joint pain that occurs as your body ages and you still try to get out there on the playground, ball field, or dance floor.It has been a weapon in pillow fights with your giggle-filled, pajama-clad sons.It has been used as a punching bag in moments of extreme frustration–say, after the dinner you slaved over for six hours is suddenly pointless when your sweet husband walks through the door with pizza boxes and the munchkins gather around their new hero.

The pillow has heard the secrets and soulful confessions of a couple growing deeper in their understanding of one another and the yelling of that same couple at odds with each other over finances, in-laws, the socks on the floor, or the “right way” to hang toilet paper.It has muffled various sounds, like crying, screaming, and snoring, as a mouth was plunged into its fluffy folds.In weak moments, it has been contemplated as an answer to ending your spouse’s snoring once and for all (if only you could position it just right and hold long enough…).

The pillow has hiked up certain body parts to make sexual positioning more comfortable or pleasurable.It has been a buffer between your head and the headboard, the footboard, or the family pet.Along with its pillow companions, it has graced the bed in a decorating configuration worthy of applause by an HGTV designer and a shrug from your mother-in-law.

It also gives your head a nice place of repose as you sleep.

Okay, that’s a lot of talk about your pillow.But think about this:If your pillow could talk, what would it say?Is your bedroom typically a nice place to be?Does your pillow hear more smooching or screaming?More conversation or television?Does it see more affection or isolation?More slinky lingerie or tattered t-shirts?Does it play a supporting role in a marital tragedy or comedy?A War of the Roses or a Pax Romantica?

What happens in this one room says a lot about the marriage relationship.Does your husband like being there with you?Or do he and the pillow secretly want to pack it up and find a more welcoming place?

The child climbing in bed at 4:00 a.m. can’t be helped (at least if you sleep as hard as I do), as is true for the periodic tears, snoring, and joint pain.But it’s nice to preserve the bedroom as a marital retreat whenever possible.So put on something sexy, smile when your husband walks in, fluff up his pillows, and invite him to a wonderful night.

Don’t fight with the pillow, but lay down your head

And kick every worriment out of the bed.

– Edmund Vance Cooke

My Personal Testimony: Why This Blog?

Sex has been a big part of my life – an identity marker, if you will.

I grew up in a Christian household with the simple yet popular instruction of DON’T–don’t do it, don’t talk about it, don’t even think about it. But, for various reasons, the just-say-no mantra couldn’t drown out hum of sexual energy that started buzzing in my teenage years. Through high school and college, I became a curious participant, then technical virgin, and finally slut.

In my mid-twenties, however, I realized how steeped I was in the negative consequences of handling this ever-so-serious business as flippantly as I would choose an ice cream flavor. I’d ponder for a while how far I’d go with a guy, but I never walked out of the store without getting a scoop of What-were-you-thinking!

I was trying to pull myself out of sexual sin–mostly on my own strength–when God planted my husband in my path. Thank Heaven! I still struggled with sexual perspective, but I was now defined as a sexy wife with a focused, healthy desire for her husband.

God didn’t leave my lesson learning there, though. Like many marriages, my rosy romance became choked in a thicket of thorns. At one point, hubby and I had such marital conflict that I wanted to jump into a convertible and drive off with Thelma and Louise. Or plot an untimely end to the man who seemed to endlessly frustrate me and had his life insurance paid up. I guarantee his description of me at that time would have rivaled epithets given to Queen Jezebel.

BUT Sex saved my marriage. Okay, I know that sounds extreme, but I believe it. You see, we had a great sex life. And being physically intimate–though not as often while Civil War raged–softened the rough edges of our relationship. This guy could infuriate me like no other, but he could also pleasure me like no other–which made me think that somewhere deep inside, he wasn’t entirely selfish and still loved me. Our physically intimate times kept affection and selflessness alive until we pulled together other troubled areas of our marriage. Sometimes I think that, but for our sex life, we would have divorced.

God has had His hand on my sex life. I know where I’d be without Him. While some people’s faith testimonies are easily proclaimed in public, my biggest witness is not. How do I admit in the middle of a Bible class that my Amazing Grace moment should be sung “that saved a wench like me”?

I’m pricked to the core when I talk with women who struggle in the area of sex. The biggest issue with married women, it seems, is they don’t wanna–or at least not as often as their honeys wanna. Plenty of daily issues plague our marital bedrooms as well–everything from scheduling around children’s activities to the genders’ differing approaches to physical intimacy to the southward sag of our bodies as we age. Not to mention heftier challenges like our personal histories.

So what’s the purpose of this blog? People are supposed to blog about their passion. Well, I’m passionate about passion. More specifically, I’m passionate about how godly women approach sex in marriage. Are we enjoying the passion that God has blessed us with?

Through the abundant grace of God, the most agony-ridden area of my life has turned into the cherry on top of the sundae.I can say with honesty (and shock) that I have enjoyed a monogamous marital relationship for many years. No longer do I order up whatever is on the menu and regret it later; I’m on God’s diet for sexuality. And may I tell you, it’s the most delectable dessert I’ve had.

But it isn’t without some work. And prayer. And laughter. I believe God wants our sex lives to be:

Hot – Pleasurable, passionate, intimate.The Song of Songs reveals that God designed us to desire and please our marriage partner in physical ways.

Holy – Honoring our Lord in every way and nurturing the sacred bond of marriage.God provided sexuality to foster the unity of a husband and a wife (even beyond that whole “multiply and fill the earth” thing).

Humorous – Making us smile. Now if you don’t think sex is sometimes funny, picture the Queen of England doing it. (How do you think Prince Charles got here?) Actually, there is plenty of hilarity involved in getting into lockstep with our spouses in the sexual arena.

And that’s what my blog is about–the Hot, Holy & Humorous experience of godly sexuality in a Christian marriage. I won’t be disclosing my specific identity because I want to be able to write as freely and frankly as possible–without my children having to wearing disguises in public. I hope that’s okay with you, and I pray that you can relate, learn something, and laugh a little as you read.