The One-Eyed Snake

The following post was written about a month into my blog. It was intended for wives only, but the feedback I have received from offended husbands since that time has given me pause. I unwittingly hurt the feelings of several men out there. I have considered taking the post down, but (1) while I would certainly change some words (such as “disappointed”), I still believe that many wives felt this way at first; and (2) I can’t deny that I wrote the post this way originally and, as we all do, have grown since then. I would not write it the same way today, but the original post is below. For more on my thoughts, see The Wonderful Male Body and Man vs. Woman.

The first time I saw a penis, I was disappointed.  Weren’t you?

Young men dream of naked women and long to gaze upon the wonders of the female body.  Meanwhile, let’s face it, ladies, there’s nothing actually attractive about a penis.  A perfect pedicure in pink with posies on the toenails: cute.  A flowing satin and sequin evening gown gracing the bald mannequin in the Caché display window: beautiful.  Sitting on the beach and watching a purple-hued sunset as the ocean and the sun briefly embrace: breathtaking.  Michelangelo’s colossal yet graceful carving of the warrior and psalmist David: well, it depends on where you look.

Sculpture of David, by Michelangelo
Photo by Rico Heil, via Wikimedia Commons

The sculptor’s David is definitely a looker, but most women I’ve talked to agree that a Garden of Eden leaf garment would have been a nice touch.  We don’t really need to see another man’s penis.  Our husband’s is quite enough, thank you.

Despite all the phallic references in art and architecture, we’re not obsessed with looking at them.  In fact, the pornographic magazine for women Playgirl debuted in 1973, went out of print in 2008, and returned to print in March 2010. So what happened?  Well, the magazine was a feminist reaction to the likes of Penthouse and Playboy; a what’s good for the gander is good for the goose statement.  It struggled to gain sufficient readership (i.e., women), finally stopped printing, and went to online publication.  Its print comeback is due to another phenomenon:  In 2009, the new director of marketing admitted that Playgirl‘s audience is predominantly male.  So the biggest outlet for women to look at men’s privates stayed alive by moving from its dwindling female audience to a gay male readership because, frankly, we gals don’t care.

Men are proud of their penises.  But it’s like a couple of guys looking at a new set of golf clubs; they admire the clubs, talk about the structure and materials used, and imagine everything they can accomplish once they get on the green with these babies.  For women, a penis is more like a vacuum.  I don’t choose the tool based on its looks or structure, but rather what it can do for me.  Looks, schmooks, what can you actually do with that thing?

This also explains why men give their penises names like Mr. Happy, the Studmaster, Big Mac, etc., whereas I had a friend who said that her grandmother called it “the one-eyed snake.”  Sounds right to me.  Not particularly attractive, possibly dangerous, and definitely unpredictable.

I’m not knocking God’s handiwork here.  But men are visual.  Women are not.  We’re more impressed with the sweet nothings whispered in our ear, the lips that entwine with ours in a passionate kiss, the calloused hands that turn inexplicably gentle when they trace our thighs.  In fact, if you turn out the lights, we can enjoy all those parts of the show and never feel the need to see the instrument used in the grand finale.

Now, a word of advice:  Don’t tell your husband his Love Machine isn’t that exciting to look at.  That’s like insulting Chuck Norris’s gun.  He’s proud of it, by golly.  And any tool that repeatedly gets the job done starts looking pretty good over time.  Even my vacuum looks kind of pretty sometimes.

For a better idea of how to talk about your hunk of a husband, try Song of Songs 5:10-16, which begins with “My lover is dark and dazzling, better than ten thousand others!”


14 thoughts on “The One-Eyed Snake”

  1. “Disappointed” isn’t quite the word I would use. “Shocked” is more fitting. In fact, the first time I saw my hubby’s hardware I almost fainted.

  2. Not all of us men are proud; in part, because we know women find it ugly and quite honestly could care less. Ladies, consider yourself lucky you have genitals that are a part of your body, and not a “chicken hanging in the butcher shop” appendage that got tacked on as a last minute thought.

  3. “Chicken hanging in the butcher shop” had me falling off my chair with laughter! It’s not THAT bad. (And I don’t think God tacked it on as a last-minute thought.) I’d way rather gaze upon my husband’s glory than a dead chicken neck! Meanwhile, if it gets the job done, cluck-cluck, oh yeah!

  4. J, you have to admit though that your post doesn’t seem very consistent with your latest comments…perhaps some clarification would help?

  5. Anonymous – I’m a little confused about the inconsistency you see. I don’t believe women are typically visual. We don’t get turned on looking at male private parts nearly as much as when our husband spends time with us, woos us, and pleasures us (with other parts and/or that private part). God did create men to be more visual, and most guys delight in looking at their naked wife. I think God knew exactly what He was doing when he created us, but women and men appreciate different things about one another. Does that clarify anything?

  6. It’s just the mixed messages (though mostly negative) coming across in your posts make it difficult to know what you really think (posts interleaved with each other to illustrate):

    “The first time I saw a penis, I was disappointed.”

    “I’m not knocking God’s handiwork here.”

    “let’s face it, ladies, there’s nothing actually attractive about a penis.”

    “It’s not THAT bad.”

    “Not particularly attractive, possibly dangerous, and definitely unpredictable.”

    “Laughed out loud, Anonymous! It is a shocker, huh?”

    “In fact, if you turn out the lights, we can enjoy all those parts of the show and never feel the need to see the instrument used in the grand finale.”

    “…a Garden of Eden leaf garment would have been a nice touch. We don’t really need to see another man’s penis. Our husband’s is quite enough, thank you.”

  7. Wow, it’s interesting to see how you read and perceived my post. I wasn’t trying to be negative, just noticing that women usually aren’t that thrilled by the sight of a penis and if you haven’t seen one before, it can be surprising when you finally do. Believe me, I’m not opposed to penises (ask my husband!). Thanks for the comments!

  8. I can understand where you’re coming from, and I do appreciate your frankness and honesty to say what you really feel and think. But imagine for a moment that the shoe was on the other foot; if your husband felt the same way about your vulva and made the same comments about it? How would you feel? That’s what I’m getting at.

  9. A friend of mine reflected some similar views recently, and I found myself disagreeing. I’ll preface all thoughts with acknowledgement that you were not intending the post as serious as all this. However, here are some thoughts I have been processing…

    First I would love to know some of the anthropological women’s perspectives on penises. Have women always I said this? Clearly there have been cultural changes in how feminine beauty is defined. Over the past century, our culture has created a world where many women feel they are up against Angelina Jolie, Scarlett Johannson, and Victoria Secret models as the standard. So, what is the cultural bias that has defined a penis as less attractive than the female anatomy?

    While I’m all for women’s rights, I believe the wide swing of the feminist pendulum has made nasty bruises on the image of God in men. (Does that make sense?) I’m a totally sucker for sitcoms (love them!), but shows like “Everybody loves Raymond” base their humor on making men appear neanderthal. I just don’t believe that debasing men is a holy way to relate. It makes me sad to see how many men are so totally disrespected. As for penises, I love my husband’s penis, even visually. His is the only I have ever been with (and I’m proud of that). I L.O.V.E. seeing the amazing creation that God gave my husband to join us as One in the physical and spiritual world.

    Ok, I’m done. 🙂 Thanks for tolerating my musings.

  10. I was a pre-med student for a few years in college and had taken some anatomy and pathology classes. Until I got married, the only penises I had seen were in very clinical settings and usually diseased and/or very yucky, and not aroused. So I really had no idea what a normal, healthy penis looked like until my wedding night.

    I warned my husband of this and told him that I was probably going to laugh. I also told him that he need not be alarmed, and it had nothing to do with him. It was a mix of surprise and nervousness about our first night together.

    So when the wedding night came and he undressed, I giggled like a school girl and then spent 30 minutes asking questions (I’m a scientist. I like to ponder), such as “So besides the obvious, what can you do with it?” and after receiving an answer, “Doesn’t that hurt?” We still laugh about the whole experience and my husband took it all in stride and was awesome about it. He really is quite wonderful.

    Six years later, I may still giggle a little, but its in anticipation of what’s to come. I love every inch of my husband’s body and I always tell him that I’m thankful that I’m a woman and don’t have those parts, because I’m not quite sure I could handle it. 🙂

  11. I really appreciate your blog and don’t want to be a discouragement, but I have to say I found this a little frustrating to read.

    I devote lots of energy to celebrating my wife’s beauty, especially parts of her that she is self conscious about. And if a part of her is less appealing to me, I don’t nurture that thought or perpetuate the idea online – instead, I look for ways to change my point of view so that I’ll see beauty in all of her.
    Men can be just as self conscious about our bodies as women. Many men can barely resist their wives, but are constantly reminded that their wives could ‘take or leave’ them, at least physically and visually. It can really damage a man’s self esteem to feel so undesirable.
    Rather than just discussing how little you like the core anatomy of our sexuality, why not encourage women feel and express appreciation for their husband’s bodies?

  12. I am female and when having my first baby they thought it would help if I could see her come out. I screamed at them when they brought over the huge mirror. What were they thinking?? LOL

    I find my husband’s erect penis very arousing, flaccid not so much.

  13. Pingback: Where Should I Look during Sex? | Hot, Holy & Humorous

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