Monthly Archives: April 2011

G-Spot or Me-Spot?

The Gräfenberg Spot, or G-Spot, was introduced as a newly found sensitive area inside a woman’s vagina way back in 1950.  Since then, it has received a lot of attention.  And why not?  It sounded like a perfect plan!  Find the G-Spot on a woman, and she is guaranteed to sparkle like a Vegas showgirl costume closet.

But in 2008 “the mythically elusive female G-Spot was captured on ultrasound for the first time. The thing is, only about 25% of the women scanned seemed to have one” (from The Essential Book of Useless Information). There remains a great deal of debate about whether all women have a G-Spot and whether it is necessary or desirable to have one to achieve orgasm.

Still, I’ve seen magazine covers in the grocery store line with headlines like “Your G-Spot: The Key to Maximizing Pleasure!” or “10 Secrets to Finding the G-Spot and Your Best Orgasm Ever!”  Sometimes books or magazines make it seem that the G-Spot is like the Fountain of Youth, the winning lottery ticket, or the most amazing archaeological discovery Indiana Jones will ever make — hard to find, but once you get it, you’re holding the golden prize.

I think I have a G-Spot, by the way.  But I could count on two hands the number of times I’ve been aware of it, while I could count the number of orgasms I’ve had on…well, I might need the audience of a U2 concert for that one (just kidding). 

The point, however, is that a G-Spot might be nice.  But what is FAR more important for most women’s pleasure is when your devoted hubby finds your ME-spot.  That’s the spot on you that makes you coo with delight.  And it may not be where he thinks.

Perhaps your map to the buried treasure would include directions down your smooth long legs to your feet, where he massages each and every tired muscle that you used walking in stilettos all day.  Maybe he should be making his way to your back, where a rub with scented oils would open you up to a night of delicious lovemaking more than anything else he could do.  Perhaps it is an erogenous area.  For instance, some women are very excited having their breasts fondled and kissed.  For others, the pelvic area is more sensitive to arousal.

The beauty of God’s design for a lifetime of committed sex with your spouse is that you have ample opportunities to find out what turns your partner on.  Rather than reading a magazine article claiming to have cracked the code for all women’s satisfaction, take time to explore one another.  Ask what your spouse enjoys.  Cater to his or her ME-spot.

When you show that you are willing to tailor your technique to fit your spouse’s desires, you demonstrate that you value them as a unique individual — one worth taking the time to get to know physically.  And that kind of selfless love sets the stage for the best lovemaking you can have in a marriage.  Whether you ever find your G-Spot or not.

Gas, Vomit & Bedpans…Oh My!

When you first start dating, you present your best side.  You know, choosing clothing ensembles carefully (colors coordinate, no holes, no stains), styling your hair in a celebrity do, checking your breath for killer halitosis, squelching a tiny burp, trying not to rip a big one in front of your potential one-and-only.

Years later, when you’ve been married for a while, the standards may creep lower.  Actually, I hope you’re still getting dressed up from time to time and continue to groom daily.  (If you remember a shower only at about 4:00 p.m., check your own personal standards.)  But you simply can’t be as shy about bodily functions as you once were.

I realized this the other day as I emptied the bucket of regurgitated contents from my husband’s stomach.  He was terribly ill, and I had vowed in sickness and in health!  After many years of marriage, if you’ve been standing (or crouching) next to your spouse like you should, you will have experienced all kinds of unpleasant but perfectly natural human activities (flatulence, urination, diarrhea, vomiting, bad breath, body odor, bleeding, and belching among them).

QUESTION:  So how do you maintain that mystery, intrigue, and physical attraction to someone you have seen at their worst?

ANSWER:  God’s beautiful plan of intimacy.  As you grow together, weather the terrible storms as well as the sunshiny days, have someone care for you in a physically weak time, and care for them when they experience the same, intimacy grows.  After all, who else sees you like this?  Who knows everything about you the way your spouse does?

My love for my husband grew exponentially when I was bedridden with a problem pregnancy.  During a hospital stay, he emptied my bedpan for me.  Now tell me, if that isn’t putting my needs above his own, what is?!!  Just thinking about his selfless act fills me with the warm fuzzies and makes me want to find him and carry him to the bedroom myself!  A guy like that deserves a rich reward.

And I’m pretty sure that once I get him there (okay, I had to drag him because I couldn’t lift him), he won’t be thinking about how I looked in my standard issue, ties-in-the-back hospital gown with a mauve bedpan nearby and I won’t be remembering the stomach virus he had months ago.  In that moment, we are physically attracted to each other.  But the background music is all the caring for one another that has built our relationship over time.  Especially when the care-taking was potentially embarrassing to the one receiving care.  Having treated one another with the dignity that all humans desire, we have something that not all marriages have — a deep intimacy that goes far beyond physical attraction.

So no more “gas, vomit, and bedpans . . . Oh my!”  It’s part of the journey we make down the yellow brick road of marital life, and with a brain (think about your spouse), courage (you can do it!), and a heart (commitment to love), you’ll be clicking your heels in your bedroom and reminding yourself, “There’s no place like home!”

“Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.”

Galatians 6:2 (NLT)

Lock the Door, for Heaven’s Sake!

Door locks

Photo by Emj via
Wikimedia Commons

It’s every parent’s nightmare:  Your child walks in while you’re “wrestling” with your spouse.  Has it happened to you?

My mother-in-law had moved and her house was empty, so our family stayed there during a brief vacation.  Hubby and I took the master bedroom and sacked out on an air mattress, while the kids snuggled into sleeping bags in a bedroom on the other side of the house.

Unfortunately, in order to get the house ready for sale, all of the doorknobs had been changed and the master bedroom no longer had a lock.  Now do you think that being in his parents’ house, with no comfortable bed, and a missing door lock stopped my husband from proposing morning maneuvers?  Absolutely not!

One might suggest that I could have pointed out the difficult circumstances in which we were operating, but it was early morning, the house was quiet, and I figured the kids were asleep.  Right?  Wrong!

At an integral moment, shall we say, the knob jiggles, the door swings open, and my husband and I cease all movement.  (Thank heaven the covers were completely over us.)  My sweet child pops in and asks a question.  With me on my back and my husband hovering over me, we calmly responded and said we’d be out in a moment.

Child closes door.

Parents breathe.

Wife shoves husband off.

Intimate moment over.

I don’t think my kid knew what was happening, but someday he may find himself in a conversation with teenagers about whether their parents have sex and it will suddenly occur to him what he witnessed as a child.  His blood pressure will rise, his face will flush, and his brain will come close to exploding from the very thought of it.

I know mine did — when I realized years later that I had come into my parents’ room after something had happened.  Several of my friends had similar revelations (or even eyewitness testimony, bless their hearts) they could recount in their teen or college years.

Suffice it to say that parents have sex.  Thus, the children.

I want my children to know that their parents are intimate.  I want them to understand that God has blessed married couples with this beautiful way of expressing committed love.  But I definitely don’t want them to think about it too much.  No visuals, please.

So for the rest of our marriage, I am insisting that the door be locked!  In fact, now that my oldest has figured out where the key is and can reach it, I may need to go further.  A dead bolt?  A portcullis? A retinal eye scan lock?  There must be some way to make sure no kid ever enters the inner sanctum during our hot-and-heavy moments.

What are you doing to convey to your kids that you express intimate love with your spouse?  Or to prevent them from knowing exactly how?

Prince Ideal vs. Prince Real

Robert Pattison as Edward from Twilight movieWhen I read the Twilight series (yes, I read all four books – including the long passages of Bella pining away incessantly for Edward), it seemed that we were setting up our teenage girls for incredibly unrealistic expectations.  Here was Edward, perfect Prince Charming, with only a little paleness and a couple of fangs as drawbacks.  Otherwise, he was flawless, perfect, a girl’s dream date.  I commented to a friend that author Stephanie Meyer should have at least given Edward a little foot odor.

But the ridiculous standard isn’t set simply by Twilight.  Watch a Disney princess movie with a swashbuckling knight rescuing the damsel in distress, read a Harlequin romance with a muscular hero embracing the heroine and making love to her for hours on end, read a typical marriage manual about how good husbands should talk openly for hours about how they feel.  We ladies have long been idealizing some unattainable ideal for the guy who should come and sweep us off our feet!

Give your man a break.  Let him be who God designed him to be.

A few observations and generalizations about real princes:

Men talk less than women.  And they talk less about their relationships and feelings than women do.  As evidenced by Home Improvement, grunting almost counts as its own language for the male species.  Your husband is not likely to bare his soul on a daily basis, and don’t try to make him do so.  He will talk to you, but men are much more likely to share while doing parallel activities than when sitting face-to-face and they may take several days to reveal something that’s been on their minds for a while.  Create a secure environment for him to open up, and most guys eventually will.

Men are singularly focused, not multi-taskers like women.  For too long, I expected my husband to look around the house and see everything that needed doing as I could see it.  Well, he doesn’t.  Male brains don’t work like female brains.  God made men to be more mission-minded.  They conquer one mountain at a time; and when allowed to function in that way, they are great at it.  Don’t berate him for not knowing your infant’s entire feeding, sleeping, and diaper schedule.  Do your multi-tasking, and give him a “Mission Possible” list, so he can tackle one item at a time and check off each mission accomplished as he goes.

Men think about sex a lot more than women do.  But the fact that he can only rub your back for two minutes before wanting to turn it into something else entirely does not make him a selfish pig.  God designed him to desire you – when he sees you, touches you, and sometimes even when he thinks of you.  Women have sex when they feel loved; men have to sex to feel loved.  In fact, the only time a male produces Oxytocin (a hormone that increases relational bonding) is post-coitus.  Sex is an emotionally charged experience for a man.

I know this is simplifying things a lot, and it barely scratches the surface of male/female differences.  The point is that wives can spend an inordinate time dreaming of what their life could be if only their husband would be like the charming character from the last romantic comedy they saw.  Or if only their one-and-only was immortal and had all of eternity to gush over them and how perfect they are.

But our husbands are flesh and bone – no script.  And that’s a wonderful thing!  They are our real princes.  Appreciate it.

P.S. Of course, I’m Team Edward. As I pointed out to a friend of mine (who is Team Jacob for some inexplicable reason), who wouldn’t rather date a vampire than a dog?