When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

That passage tells me that we will have to pass through rivers and walk through fire sometimes, but God will walk us through the pain to find healing. He will show up in the midst of our troubles.

It seems to me that your faith is strong in continuing to seek God and find the resources and strength to address sexual intimacy in your marriage. I pray that positive experiences with your husband pile so high that they cover over the sad memories of your past.

Blessings!

I had never realized what an impact sex can have in a marriage. I believed that I had a healthy attitude toward sex, but have come to realize that I was wrong. I was abused in childhood, and did not realize how consuming the damage from that can be. It is easy to push it aside, and say, “I’m fine,” or simply never mention it. It was only recently, after the death of a parent and the subsequent gathering of the extended family (several of whom were my abusers) for the first time in my adult life that I understood the depth of the damage which was done to me. That is one of the many reasons child abuse is so insidious–the trauma bubbles up repeatedly and unexpectedly throughout the lifetime of the abused person.

I was very discouraged many years ago to find a book by a “Christian” author who wrote that panic attacks, “body memories” and other physical symptoms resulting from childhood traumas were simply proof that I lacked faith and did not trust God enough. How unhelpful–and unfair! God does not promise His children will not suffer. We live in a world where evil abounds, after all. He promises grace for our trials, and strength to endure them. That author’s words made me feel ashamed all over again, for something that was not my sin. I became very depressed and didn’t talk about my experiences with anyone for many years, including my (now) husband.

This has been incredibly damaging to my marriage, because I had pushed these things out of my mind and refused to acknowledge the connections, even to myself. When we were newlywed and I would get sick during sexual encounters, I would hide in embarrassment until it passed and tell myself and my spouse that I was fine. It was only recently that I understood that this is a common phenomenon known as “body memories” or “muscle memory.” The path to improvement is to retrain one’s body (sexually) in the way God designed. (Your baseball analogy is good, but I would challenge it on this point: my marriage can survive without baseball, but it cannot survive without sex.)

I am currently on a healing oath, and very grateful for every resource that I can find. Blogs like yours are so very helpful, because there are some questions you just can’t ask your girlfriends. Keep up the good work!