Connie, there is something beyond the sex issue going on here for him. The change in your husband behavior with who he hangs out with and what he says to you is a clue. Of course, it would be best for you two to get marriage counseling, but it doesn’t sound like he’d be open to that idea. I can’t imagine your hurt. I would encourage you to find confidence in yourself as you are and pursue daily happiness. Don’t let it depend on him. Let it depend on how God your Father sees you–as a beautiful, worthwhile daughter of the King. You may want to get counseling for yourself to see if you can figure out what the underlying issues are and how to address them. You’re in my prayers.

Anonymous –
I totally feel your pain. I am 44 and my husband is 47 and we will be married 25 years come next month. I don’t know what to think either anymore. I’m stressed, scared, confused and he knows all this, and everytime I bring anything up to him, he just sits there and pets the dog, and doesn’t say a word to me. He acts like he is a teenage child rebelling against me, and I just can’t handle this anymore. Our sex life is horrible. Even when we have sex, he’s selfish for his needs only. I should just get out, but i am scared to be alone, and I do love him. I mean, I want the man that I married, and the man i knew just a few years ago, back. He used to be great, but he started hanging around these old retired men at a local restaraunt/bar and they all drink and do what the hell they want. WHen I’ve said something about caring, he says, “No one else’s wife cares.” I then said,…”When I get 65 years old, I won’t care either, but until then I do. I’m just very hurt in him always spening time with them and helping them and doing things for them when he knows i need help or things done too, or i just want to spend time with him. i’ve even tried just scheduling a day per week for date night, and that lasted only a couple months and now again, back to normal ways.
HELP, please.

I totally agree with the age gap thing and I know that has been a factor for us. We got married when I was 21, he was 32 and we didn’t have sex NEARLY as much as I expected or wanted. I asked myself a lot of these questions (mostly #1) especially as we were newlyweds and both virgins at marriage so I was crazy horny and I couldn’t figure out why even prancing around in all this new lingerie was doing nothing for him! Weird thing was that he was horny a lot when we were dating, but I think once we got married and he realized that sex was very different from what he expected it to be, was more work, required more emotional output than he realized, so he wasn’t as interested. It was SO hard and I think that his age (or moreso mine) had a lot to do with it! J I would LOVE to hear a post about age gaps!!!

Excellent Post! As a woman having been through this type of hurtful disconnet with my husband, so many things run through your mind… For me, I was convinced that “I’m no longer attractive to him AND he’s having an affair”!
Thankfully we are over that time, but it did take a little daily seperation (both working from home} and forgivness.
It isn’t always as horrific as what I, or most women, believe.

Great points! Thanks for your input.

(This is also a kick in my pants to finish a post I started about that age gap you mention in #1.)

In addition to the points you raised yourself, I would like to offer some other possible causes for the above problem, based on my own experience. Such an atypical imbalance could be due to one or more of the following factors:

1. Large age gap – when the man is much older (say, 10 years or more) it can lead to a discrepancy in sex drive. The man’s drive is on the decline each year (due to hormonal changes, etc), whilst the woman’s seems to just get stronger!

2. Couples who work together/don’t spend much time apart – when a couple spends almost all their time together (e.g. they both work from home, or work in the same job, share the same friends, etc.) the man’s physical desire for his wife can dwindle, as to some degree he is being satiated merely by being around her. Short, frequent periods of absence (such as during the working day) can indeed make the heart grow fonder, and the desire grow stronger. Something about being around his wife all day long can cause a man to feel less sexually driven towards her.

3. Unforgiveness – if your husband knows you harbor any ill-feeling toward him, it can cause him to lose his desire. This can happen on a subconscious level, with the husband not even realizing that this is causing his indifference until he does some quiet introspection. Feeling like the “bad guy” is a potential passion killer for a man.

Obviously, the first is impossible to change, but natural measures could be taken to keep his hormones functioning optimally and his stress level low. As for number two, allowing short periods of time apart could be beneficial – encouraging guy-time/fishing trips/independent activities, as well as doing some of your own activities independently of your husband (take a class, make new girl-friends, enjoy girls’ nights, even allow for the odd solo vacation, being sure to keep your mind on your husband during periods of absence). As for the third point, that requires an active decision to forgive and let go of the past, as well as to keep no record of wrongs as they occur. For those of you who find this impossible, stop trying and just allow the power of God’s forgiveness to flow through you. Keep in mind how much you have been forgiven, for “he who is forgiven much, loves much”.

Sorry for the essay, but I thought that perhaps this could help someone. Thanks again for such a fantastic blog. God bless you!

Pray for your wisdom, and I will pray as well. It’s particularly painful when your spouse doesn’t seem to even want to work on the marriage. But only God knows your husband’s heart and what is really going on with him inside.

Remember that you are a beautiful woman with much to offer and that God knows your value.