Monthly Archives: August 2011

Wives Want Sex: Link Up

Rembrandt's Woman in Bed

Where is my husband?
Rembrandt [Public domain or Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Sometimes in the blogosphere, there is a sort of synergy — like sparks of electricity that eventually connect and form a strand of sizzling power.  And that’s what seems to be happening lately with the subject of wives who desire sex more than their husbands.

Since this is a topic that isn’t discussed nearly often enough, and too many wives suffer in silence and don’t know where to turn, today’s post is devoted to providing links to blogs that have discussed the topic.  Somewhere in here, I hope that a wife somewhere out there can find the help she needs to handle this difficult challenge. 

One Flesh Marriage (Kate and Brad Aldrich) posted “I Can’t Remember the Last Time My Husband Touched Me!” – Part 1 and Part 2.   

Intimacy in Marriage (Julie Sibert) recently featured a guest post from the Kentucky Colonel at A Grown Up Marriage entitled Wives Who Are Sexually Refused.  

Julie Sibert has also published on her own site a post called Wives Who Want More Sex. And Aren’t Getting It. 

The Marriage Bed (Paul Byerly) has an extensive post covering this subject at Spouse Won’t Have Sex. 

I found an interesting post from Good Women entitled Sex: I Want It More Than My Husband, which details how a woman with a sex drive stronger than her husband’s might feel. 

Some time ago, Christian Nymphos posted an article called Help! High Sex Drive!!! with some general tips about this situation. 

Dr. Dave Currie also piped in on this subject in the Power to Change website, with Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex. 

Marriage Missions asked the question How Much Sex is Normal? because more and more wives are seeking sex therapy when their husbands have lost their drive. 

Sheila Wray Gregoire of To Love, Honor and Vacuum wrote 4 Reasons Your Husband Doesn’t Want to Make Love (added 9/14/11).

I posted my own thoughts at Hot, Holy & Humorous on how wives struggle when they want sex and hubby doesn’t in She Wants, He Doesn’t Want. 

Scan through the resources and see what you can glean from the wisdom here.  Certain articles may be more applicable to your situation than others.  The point is that you are not alone! Unfortunately, plenty of wives experience sexual rejection from their husbands.

God’s gift of sexuality is for a husband and a wife to mutually desire, please, and enjoy one another in physical intimacy that strengthens the relational bond between them.  It is not acceptable for one person to opt out of that plan.  If you vow to love and cherish, that includes physically as well.

Know that you are loved by God and He wants the best for you.  Try to get some answers.  Seek help.

Boxers or Briefs?

It’s become a standard question for celebrity men:  Boxers or briefs?  Everyone from President Bill Clinton to Mel Gibson to Justin Bieber has answered this question.  (Yes, I know their answers, but I’m not sharing!)  Of course, the question has become more complicated since the advent of boxer briefs, first sold around 1990.

For women, the choices are more diverse — briefs, hi-cut, hipsters, bikinis, string bikinis, boy shorts, and the recently popular thong.

(Yes, there are thongs for men, but if you can find a straight man who willingly wears a string between his butt cheeks, look out because pigs are flying overhead!)

Believe it or not, there are entire websites devoted to the history and choices of underwear (e.g., Vintage Skivvies).  I even found a site that had underwear sightings, such as a particular celebrity spotted with a boxer waistband edging out of his jeans, thus indicating his preference for loose boxers.  Why I would care what undies a country singer or my senator are wearing, I don’t know.

But we do care what underwear our spouses wear.  In fact, I’ve found that people have very distinct preferences for what lower undergarments are appealing when donned by their wife or husband.  And it is not the same preference across the board. So I wonder how many of you have actually asked your honey what he or she prefers?

According to Men’s Health, boxers and boxer briefs are preferred by 68% of women polled, with only 8% preferring briefs.  70% of men said they wear boxers or boxer briefs (yeah for them!), but 29% of guys are still wearing the less preferred briefs.  (The other options were bikini briefs and trunk-style/short boxer briefs.)  Women also prefer solid colors or a subtle pattern (read not whitey-tighty!).  What almost no woman wants is her guy going commando.  If you announce you’re not wearing underwear, we wonder if you failed to do laundry, if that jean zipper is uncomfortably scraping your privates, or if you’ve properly contained things in there.

As for men, well, I tried to find a reputable source for what panties men prefer women to wear, but after searching for a while and finally getting down to the Google page that included a transvestite’s opinion of what panties he liked to wear, I decided to forgo the objective source.  From the search I did, the general consensus was that men like women in underwear and out of underwear.  (What a revelation, huh?)  If you tell your hubby you’re going commando, he won’t think once about whether you couldn’t find a clean pair; he will spend your dinner out alternating between polite conversation and flashes of getting you back home and out of that constricting dress.

Ideally, whether man or woman, you should ask your spouse what he/she likes to see you in.  Does it matter?  Oh yeah.  It’s part of how you present yourself to your honey.  I happen to think that white Granny panties convey a completely different image than colorful boy shorts which are completely different from a black lace thong.  And they are all perfectly fine choices, as long as you are comfortable and your spouse likes what you’re wearing.

My husband and I don’t cater exactly to what underwear the other most likes, but we have found compromises.  Neither one of us is walking with our hips askew from the discomfort of our undies, but we also branch out a little from what we might wear if we hadn’t found each other and instead spent lonely weekends watching Star Trek reruns (which we both might have done).

And when I see him in his ________________ (once again, not telling!), he looks fabulous to me.  And when he sees me in my _________________ (I will only confess that I do not do butt floss), he pauses and checks me out for a few seconds.  It’s a simple thing we do to please one another and that good vibe can lead to some other good vibrations on the bed later.  I’m just sayin’.

So here’s your homework!  Sometime tonight or this weekend, ask your spouse what underwear he/she would like to see you in.  Or take a shopping trip to a department or lingerie store together and pick out a few different kinds to try.  You might even go wild and choose one pair of silky boxers for him or lace bikinis for her, if that’s not your usual.  Make it a date to go underwear shopping!  Or part ways with the assignment to go to the opposite sex undies section and pick out a pair for your spouse and then exchange them as gifts at the end of the night.  Model for each other!

We wear underwear to hold things in place, keep rough fabrics from irritating our delicate parts, maintain some modesty, and keep ourselves sanitary.  But you can meet all those functions and still have fun with your undies!  Try to find something to wear that delights your marriage partner.  After all, he or she is probably the only one person who gets to see those underwear on your fine body!

Hello Facebook, Goodbye Old Boyfriend

I have jumped in feet first, head first, and tapping fingers first into the social media phenomenon.  I have worked with Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, HootSuite, and TweetDeck.  (No, I haven’t tried Google+, but who has time to learn an entire new system?!)

The beauty of social media is being able to connect across miles, states, countries, continents, and oceans.  It affords the immediate gratification of reconnecting with our second grade best friend, keeping up with our church and work friends, sharing photos and news with relatives across the country, and chatting it up with people who’ve never met but who share similar interests.  I actually feel a surge of giddiness when I receive a notification that a long lost friend or someone in South Africa wants to follow or chat with me!

Facebook.svgThen came the day when I received a Facebook friend request from an old boyfriend.  Well, not merely an old boyfriend, but one who had intimate knowledge of me in my premarital, not-on-God’s-plan days. 

It’s been years and years.  Our physical relationship feels like a lifetime ago.  We are each married with children.  We have several mutual friends on Facebook.  So what’s the big deal?  Shouldn’t I just click “Accept” and see what’s up with him? 

But I hesitated.

I was interested in how things had gone for him; I certainly wished him the best.  I had no romantic interest whatsoever in this guy from my past; I’m happily married.  And like Brandon Heath’s wonderful song, I’m Not Who I Was; so I didn’t think of myself as that wayward gal anymore.

I paused again.  Then I declined the invitation.

One of the reasons I ended up squarely on God’s plan for marital sexuality is that I established some hard-and-fast boundaries.  Some time ago, I explained about The Rule I have for myself — that I don’t spend time alone with a man who is not my husband or related to me.  It isn’t that I consider myself capable of cheating on my hubby.  He truly is THE guy in every room and every crowd whom I want to be with.

But men and women can have unexpected chemistry with one another.  They can find themselves in unintended flirtations.  They can reveal too much or get too cozy.  They can bask in the attention of another when their spouse is being a little irritating or neglectful at the moment.  I know what people are capable of and I’m people, so I keep the hedges. 

Another reason for passing on even a Facebook friendship with an ex-lover is that I wondered how that would make my husband feel.  If he were chatting late into the night with an old flame who had traded inappropriate gropes years ago, I’d be…well, hurt.  Logically, I’d know that he’s my guy, not hers; they are just friends now; they’re merely touching base; blah, blah, blah.  But I’d be lying to say I was okay with the thought of any woman but me having intimate knowledge of my husband.  God has united us in one flesh, and everyone else needs to get their own flesh, thank you very much.  Thus, out of respect to him, I didn’t think that catching up with some guy from many years ago was worth making my husband uncomfortable in any way.

So I wonder what readers think.  Have you connected with former lovers via Facebook, Twitter, or some other social media platform?  How does your spouse feel about it?  Have you declined invitations?  What were your reasons?  What boundaries have you established to keep yourself only unto your husband or wife?

It’s worth considering in our easy-to-connect Internet world.  What steps can we take to protect physical intimacy with our spouse?

“Therefore a man will leave his father and mother, and will cling to his wife:

and they will be one flesh.”

Genesis 2:24

The 7 Links Challenge

Last week, Hot, Holy & Humorous was nominated by Marriage Life Ministries to participate in the 7 Links Challenge hosted by @tripbase.  My thanks to Clint and Alecia at Marriage Life Ministries who have a heart for hurting marriages and a desire to foster healthy ones.

Clint & Alecia, Marriage Life Ministries

Clint & Alecia, Marriage Life Ministries

This Challenge asks for blog links to seven posts in certain categories.  I combed through my past blogging and found posts that meet the criteria.  If you haven’t read the following, or simply want a refresher, click on the link!

1.  Your Most Beautiful Post

In Celebration of the Kiss.  I adored researching this post about kissing and finding beautiful quotes, poetry, songs, and even classic movie kisses to illustrate God’s fabulous idea of two lips touching in loving affection.  Kissing does absolutely nothing to further reproduction; it seems to me that its only purpose is to express and foster connection.  Thank you, Lord!

2.  Your Most Popular Post

Nightie or Nudie.  This is simply a post about how much our visual husbands appreciate the nightie or the nudie!  We wives would be wise to use that knowledge and please our hubbies accordingly.  God made men visual, and that’s a good thing.  ‘Cause we ladies are smokin’ hot!  Right, gals?

3.  Your Most Controversial Post

What Does Modesty Look Like.  Comments to this post indicated that modesty is not so easily defined.  Oddly enough, some husbands seem to encourage immodesty in their wives — maybe to show them off?  I took a stab at what modesty should look like for women.  Some will agree; some won’t.  At least this post gets people thinking about the topic.

4.  Your Most Helpful Post

Pain & Pleasure.  Sexual intercourse is physically painful for some wives.  In this post, I give some tips on addressing the discomfort some women feel.  There are steps couples can take to replace pain with pleasure.

5.  A Post Whose Success Surprised You

Trimming the Hedges.  I confessed my personal story of shaving my bikini area and beyond!  And it struck a chord.  My hilarious experience resulted in the realization that the presence and amount of hair affects how sex with your spouse feels.  Readers weighed in with their own thoughts.  (This post also proves that I will blog about anything that could affect a couple’s sex life!)

6.  A Post You Feel Didn’t Get the Attention It Deserved

That Sexual Mistreatment Should Have Never Happened to You!  There are way too many people out there who have been sexually hurt by someone who proclaimed to practice Christianity.  Thankfully, there are plenty of Christians as well who desperately wish we could remove that negative experience.  God’s gift of sexuality is not represented by Satan’s distortions of it.  

7.  The Post You Are Most Proud of

My Personal Testimony.  I am indeed most proud of my very first post and my personal testimony — probably because it sat on my laptop for months before I got brave enough to hit PUBLISH THIS POST.  I long felt prodded by God to tell my narrative and to help others in the area of Christian sexuality in marriage, and this post represents my obedience to my Father and my perspective on the importance of healthy sexuality in marriage.  In addition, it’s important for people to share their personal testimony when it can help others.

The last part of the 7 Links Challenge is to nominate five other bloggers to participate as well.  But here is my confession:  I planned to research who I wanted to tag, but last night I was otherwise engaged with my husband and then today when I returned from a last-hoorah summer family outing, I dozed off for one of the best naps I’ve had in months!  (Frankly, I was always that horrible chick who invited oodles of bad luck by breaking the connection of the chain letter.)  I plan to nominate five bloggers through Twitter and will update this post accordingly.  But for now, I wanted to give you my 7 Links without further ado!

Blessings once again to Marriage Life Ministries!  Be sure to check them out. 

Finally, since I enjoy getting feedback from readers, what have been your favorite posts from HHH?  Has something been particularly enlightening ?  Helpful?  Funny?  Is there a topic you wish I’d cover that I haven’t?

Aligning Your Schedules for Sex

Lionness roaring

Photo by Wouter van Vliet from The Hague, The Netherlands, via Wikimedia Commons

This morning, my husband tried a couple of times to awaken me, to no avail.  Then he stood over me and said (rather loudly, from my perspective), “I want you to get up.”  You might think that I responded sweetly with, “Oh honey, I’m so glad you want to spend time with me!”  But alas, in between my growls and snipping, I bellowed, “What’s your problem!”

As it turns out, he really did just want me to be with him.  He wants us to have relatively matched schedules — going to bed and waking up around the same time.  And he’s got a point.

Some of you are married to night owls who come alive at the stroke of midnight, while others have spouses with that annoying habit of waking up early, throwing open the curtains, and greeting the morning with songs whistled at the highest decibels possible.  (Can you tell that I am not a morning person?)  And very often, a night owl marries a morning person.  As if you didn’t have enough to work through with the family backgrounds and gender differences!

I chalk it up to another humorous part of marital sexuality — trying to get those schedules matched so that we can both enjoy some face-to-face, body-to-body time.  Sometimes what gets in the way of getting it on is simply that you are exhausted by 11:00 p.m. and he’s raring to go.  Or you’re up at the crack of dawn and have plenty of early-morning energy to make love while you she’s sprawled across the bed snoring and drooling into the pillow.  What to do? What to do?

Perhaps you should benefit from my years of experience on what doesn’t work:

Cupping your morning beast’s lovely breast and squeezing at 5:00 a.m. is not the best signal that you adore her and wish to be intimate.

Straddling his sleeping body and bouncing may arouse his little guy but the big guy is still pretty dang tired and not so happy that he’s awake.

Demanding in a hostile tone that he stay up later or she wake up earlier is not likely to lead to a morning/evening of memorable lovemaking.

Trying to get the kids to bed earlier so you can enjoy time before one of you dozes off mid-sentence will work for one or two nights.  Then, the little knee-biters will consult their union manual and stage a rather effective protest.

What does work?  Negotiation.  Compromise.  (Don’t we married people LOVE those words?!)

The truth is that keeping similar bedtimes will indeed be one more thing to foster opportunity for sexual intimacy in your marriage.  It’s a great idea!  Waking up together also encourages time together — for physical and emotional connection.

Maybe your compromise is that the night owl goes to bed to earlier and then gets back up after his/her spouse falls asleep.  Maybe you negotiate days of the week to go to bed early and days to sleep in.  Maybe one of you simply shifts the schedule to match the other for now, knowing that it can change in the future.  (For instance, a stay-at-home mom might shift to her husband’s early schedule if she can manage a nap sometime in the day.)  It’s worth discussing your mismatched schedules to find a solution so that you can spend more time together.

Too many couples have one spouse crawling into bed early, while the other stays up watching television late into the night.  In the morning, the early-to-bed one is indeed early to rise, and the night owl wakes long after.  And before you know it, two people vowed to love and cherish, be there for one another, and grow in intimacy daily pass each other like ships in the night.  You lose your sense of emotional closeness, and the physical closeness fades as well.  That’s not the way it’s meant to be!

Make it a priority to be IN BED WITH YOUR SPOUSE at times when you are both awake — morning or night.  It will give you a chance to talk and spend time together.  And that will cultivate those moments of “Hey, while we’re here, honey…”  Then enjoy!

“All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves;

I looked for him but did not find him.

Song of Songs 3:1