Daily Archives: October 13, 2011

Sex and the Pity

Raise your hand if you love a night of fabulous lovemaking based entirely on the notion that you should be pitied for not having had any in a while. Oh my, I see all of two hands back there! And you two have only ever experienced pity sex from your spouse, so it’s all you know.

There is a better way.

Proposing sex to your husband with “Do you need a release?” or “It’s been a while, I guess we can do it tonight” doesn’t cut it. Even if you don’t say something this like aloud, your demeanor might indicate that you are dropping the robe or sliding beneath the covers only out of marital duty. While there is a Bible verse that talks about our sexual obligation to our mate, you choose your attitude in meeting that obligation.

My kids are obligated to do chores around the home. Sometimes, they pop in with a smile and help me out, and sometimes they throw a hissy fit worthy of a 9-1-1 call to the Super Nanny. Either way, they do the chore. The choice of attitude is their own.

Of course, I’m not suggesting that lovemaking is equal to doing laundry (I have not once had an orgasm while folding underwear; go figure!). But the premise of choosing your approach is the same.

If you feel like you’re schlepping yourself to the bedroom for a 15-minute inconvenience of physical engagement with your husband, you are treating it like a chore. I would bet that your husband is also not jumping up and down with glee at your arrival. He might engage anyway because it’s all he can get! However, you both miss out on the connection that God desires in gifting us with sexuality in marriage.

So what do you do when you feel more duty and he feels more pity in the bedroom than either of you feel intimacy?

Do everything you can to adjust your attitude! Forget the pity, and go for empathy. Empathy is putting yourself into your spouse’s shoes, or boxer briefs in this case. Would you want your spouse to grudgingly engage in activities that make you feel loved or take part willingly and joyfully?

Think about what would make sexual engagement an intimate and thrilling experience. Perhaps you need to clear your schedule; set the mood with music, lighting, and an inviting bed; spend some time preparing yourself with a bubble bath and pretty lingerie; and relax and participate in the lovemaking.

When you make sex a priority for your marriage and plan for it accordingly, you may find that the experience is more enjoyable for you as well. Sex is not an interruption to your day or evening or night. Physical intimacy with your spouse is worth interrupting the rest of your day for.

Save your pity for the stray animals in your neighborhood or the child-actress-turned-addict; they need it! Meanwhile, your husband deserves your love and a fully-engaged wife.

I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for me. Come, my beloved, let us go to the countryside, let us spend the night in the villages . . . there I will give you my love.”

Song of Solomon 7:10-12