Yup, I agree that it can be either good or bad, depending upon the relationship quality and individual circumstances.

I believe that if you are not involving your spouse, physically or “spirituall”, you should not be masturbating. (By “spiritually”, I mean if it is not your spouse that you are envisioning or sexting or talking to, while you are masturabating, it is wrong).

For the third month I have decided to restrain from relieving myself of sexual tensions, as I had not discussed this topic with my husband before he left and do not know where he stands (although I find it hard to believe that he could get too upset when his wife informs him that the thought of him gave her the desire to masturbate while fantasizing about him) I will have no trouble opening up about it once he is back, but find such a topic too awkward to address on the phone.

At The Pure Bed, we believe masturbation can offer as much as it can take away. The question for any believer is really two fold: 1.In principle (scripture, conscience, faith, conviction), is it generally permissible for someone to masturbate in this situation? 2.But is it the best choice for me?

If question 1 gets a yes, question 2 must also get a yes before we proceed. These choices are consequential and must be made in ways that preserve the integrity of our Christian witness.

Awesome posts on masturbation…

You both have made some excellent points. I have to say I agree with most of them. But it also makes me leery to advocate anything that can so easily escalate to other things by becoming a selfish non-intimate act in solitude and secrecy or creating compulsions or addictions in us that otherwise wouldn’t be there. It definitely is something that is between each couple in their own marriage but it is something that people need to take great care in engaging in.

I’m saying that any masturbation should be beneficial to the relationship. From that standard, masturbating when your spouse is unavailable for long periods of time could be beneficial to the marriage in keeping stress levels down and a spouse’s eyes off others. So it could foster the relationship indeed. On the other hand, frequent masturbation can become habitual, linked to imagery of others, or take your thoughts generally off the relationship and onto your own pleasure.

I am not passing judgment on anyone. I sincerely believe that couples and individuals must make their own decision in this area. Much of the issue involves heart/attitude, so only the people involved can know what that is.

By the way, I don’t know what your theology is on this, but my own opinion is that the Bible can guide us to make wise decisions by applying its principles even in specific areas about which it is silent.

Thank you so much for your feedback…and getting me to revisit my own words to be clearer. The open discussion here is wonderful!!!

I feel bad for you Anonymous that your wife does not understand the depth of pain she is causing by not valuing sexual intimacy.

I’m wondering what would happen if you calmly tell your wife that your desire for sex with her is first and foremost because you love her — but that it is also because sex feels good. You could go on to say that while you would prefer more of that kind of intimacy in your marriage, if she is not willing, then you will masturbate.

Your tone obviously needs to be loving, and at the same time emphasize that you don’t want to hide anything from her. Share as well that you will continue to pray that the two of you together will get to a place where you both nurture sex in your relationship — and that you are open to counseling at any time — because you care so deeply about your marriage.

Obviously, you need to continue to ask for God’s wisdom, as well as take captive any tendencies to allow your thought life to go to a place of fantasizing about other women. That obviously wouldn’t be good for your marriage.

I echo what J says — you are in a tough situation.