My first marriage ended after 15 years and 6 children. My extremely private nature and lack of ability to communicate my deepest thoughts and needs contributed greatly to the breakdown of the marriage. His childhood introduction of porn and then the arrival of the internet int o our lives broke it down further. I had a vibrator as my “companion” to try and fill some of my needs, and he did his own thing. I’m not sure why I found his choice to masturbate to be worse or more disgusting than mine, but I did. I read several books and practically begged the older women around me to teach me how to love my husband, but my inability to really open up prevented me from explaining my real needs to them, too. I eventually ended the marriage after discovering the horrors of what his porn addiction had led him to, sexually.

I acknowledged my part in the mess that our marriage became, but never accepted blame for HIS choices. I went to counseling and started working on myself, forcing myself to open up and be vulnerable, because I realized that if I ever were to get married again I had to do things differently. He also went through years of counseling and specialized help, and I believe he is mostly healed from the addiction, though I know he has to continually be on guard and stay accountable to someone.

As it turns out I did eventually find My Mr. Right. We have shared everything with each other, our past and current struggles. We are both pretty quiet and private, so it’s been a learning process for us both, but so good to do it together. Our sex life is continually getting better, as we learn how to be more free and open with each other. Mutual pleasuring is a part of our marriage bed on occasion, and I am starting to get where I can help myself along in the process and not be embarrassed about it, because I can see that he wants me to at times. As to masturbation alone, it does still exist, but only because we have been at times apart for lengthy periods of time. I think it’s mostly me, and probably because it was a long-time habit previously, but we have attempted it at the same time while on the phone or skype.

And this relates to other posts of yours, but my husband does have a folder labeled “For Your Eyes Only” of photos I’ve taken of myself to surprise him, as well as a few he’s taken of me, too. I know in our relationship that they don’t take my place by any stretch of the imagination, and he doesn’t have a porn problem, and so I am happy to have provided him with a visual reminder of what he’s missing and longing for when we are apart.

In my experience masturbation can be a selfish thing, keeping you from really becoming one with your spouse. It can also be a way to learn what you like and need so that you can show your spouse, when you are open to each other. And it can be a way to meet your needs when you can’t be together, as long as your loved one is aware it’s going on. It’s a difficult subject, with many variables, and I applaud you in tackling it.

Don’t you hate those “if you loved me, you would…” statements?! Ah, we are so prone to use those with our mate because we simply don’t understand what’s like to be them.

I’ll try to translate her statement: “Isn’t sex really about being with ME and not simply a physical release of tension for you?” Of course, I don’t know your wife so I could be way off, but it is typical for women to want to feel like sex is something more relational and romantic.

As far as both sides changing, you can’t wait on her to change. If masturbating is causing serious problems in your marriage, and you are getting sex–even if less frequently than you want–then I’m sorry to tell you, man, but you may need to hold off to make the point that you are willing to go above and beyond. Will your eyeballs nearly explode? Maybe. But marriage isn’t about “I’ll do this once you do that.” It’s doing the tough stuff to show your love to your mate, and while that isn’t the reason you’re doing it, you have far greater chance of getting what you want out of that deal.

Should you wife listen? Should she try to understand your situation? Does she not get how much hubbies desire sex? Yes. And if she were here, I’d address that. But you have to do what YOU can do. I hope this helps. I really am pulling for your marriage and your sex life!