Daily Archives: March 29, 2012

Get Off Our Marriage Bed, Fido!

The other night, my husband and I were engaged in intimate activity when a loud scratching sound started. We attempted to ignore it, but there is only so long that such noise can go on before you sigh, get up, and open the stupid door for the cat.

Want some humor in the marital bedroom? Introduce a pet into your family. Dogs and cats especially can be masters of your coitus interruptus.

Dogs on bed

By Iibao123 via Wikimedia Commons

I had a friend who said that her dog stood at the end of their bed and watched them copulate every time. It’s as if he thought the show was for him. Maybe he was rating their performance or considering tips he could give. “Use your paws more. Pant. That’s it, that’s it.”

Others have reported their dog howling throughout their sexual interlude. Now when you think about background music, you probably don’t imagine Fido’s rendition of “Who Let the Dogs Out?”

Some dogs attempt to jump into the action themselves. After all, why can’t they join in with the wrestling match? And cats may traipse through at the most inopportune moments looking for a little of that affection for themselves. Since you made your husband groan, surely you can take some time to make your dog growl or your cat purr? Really, how dare your leave your pet out of the fun!

Other pets are downright offended that you would engage in such physical activity. I have another cat who escapes when we make love. The second anything starts, the cat bolts off the bed, leaves the room if possible, or hides in a corner until we’re done. It’s as if the snooty little cat cannot abide such rollicking activity when he was planning to take a nap on that very bed.

Pets can interfere in varying degrees, and some couples face a genuine problem in having sex with their pet around. What’s a couple to do when the dog won’t stop barking or pawing at them when they’re making love? How do you explain to a cat that it isn’t her time and she needs to take that persistent clawing elsewhere, thank you very much?

Like children, the best option can be to lock them out of the bedroom until you’re done. But as my first example indicates, you may find yourself interrupted anyway if they claw, whimper, or bark at the door.

Instead of consulting sex experts on this question, I researched what pet experts have to say. The truth is that your pet likely makes no connection between their own mating instincts and what you and your husband are doing in the bed. As far as they are concerned, you’re tangled in those sheets doing whatever humans do. They don’t understand the TV watching, book reading, or laptop working either. The only activities in the bed they relate to are lying around and sleeping.

Thus a WebMD article suggested that if the pet is interrupting your intimacy, you should get them off the bed altogether. Train your dog to sleep in his own bed next to yours, or get the cat a new spot with stimuli to distract him away from you. There are plenty of resources available for how to train your dog or cat — through books, websites, classes, and/or your veterinarian.

This may take some effort and time on your part, but if the disruptions are ongoing or severe, take action. Remember that as adorable as your pet is, he/she isn’t your husband. Your marriage takes precedence over your duty to give Fido or Fluffy an ear or tummy rub.

Then again, I know a family who has a python as the family pet. If that thing interrupted my sexy time, I think the appropriate response would be screaming. (“Snakes, why did it have to be snakes!”)

How does your cat, dog, or other animal impact your sex life? Have you and your spouse had to deal with a persistent pet? What advice do you have in this area?