A few weeks ago, I wrote a post titled Oral Sex: How To in which I gave some tips to wives for giving a “blow job.” In the comments, it was suggested more than once that I discuss how wives can enjoy being on the receiving end of oral sex.
Since I treated you last time to the internal dialogue I had before writing about fellatio, how about another peek into my brain? (Be afraid. Be very afraid.)
Self 1: What should I call this post?
Self 2: How about “Lie Back and Think of England?”
Self 1: No. “Lie back and think of England” is what that crazy Brit lady said to make women think sex isn’t enjoyable. How about “Lie Back and Think of Tinglin'”? That’s more like it!
Self 2: Seriously?
Self 1: Sorta seriously. I could just call it “Goin’ Down.” Bow chicka wow-wow.
Self 2: You are going down . . . into the gutter, girlfriend. What’s wrong with you?
Self 1: Quite a few things. For one, I can’t cook all that well. Plus, my nose is kind of big. And my–
Self 2: No, no. I mean, why do you always joke about sex?
Self 1: Um . . . ’cause it’s funny?
Self 2: You think sex is funny?
Self 1: Don’t you? Hey, I’m about to tell a group of Christian wives why spreading their legs and letting hubbies’ mouths touch their private parts can be kinda nice. I’m even going to mention how it’s actually in the Bible! I sure didn’t know that when I was a teen. If that had been mentioned in my “becoming a woman” Bible class, I would have fallen out of my chair from embarrassment or laughter — or both.
Self 2: You’re digressing. How about “Oral Sex: Better to Give and Receive”?
Self 1: I like it! Let’s go.
Believe it or not, a lot of hubbies would like to get their wives tinglin’ down there. Several husbands have reported being physically aroused and emotionally moved by the openness of their wives when they can give oral sex.
But plenty of wives are nervous, resistant, or downright opposed to receiving cunnilingus (the scientific term for a woman receiving oral sex). For whatever reason, the idea of their husband’s mouth on their privates does not sound appealing. As before — with fellatio — I’m going to give some basic information. Perhaps after learning more about it, you may open up to the experience — figuratively and literally.
Is oral sex in marriage okay with God? This was discussed in the comments section in my first Oral Sex post. I have studied this question, and here are my conclusions.
According to most modern biblical scholars, the Song of Songs is about the sexual love between a married couple. In this Old Testament book, preserved as part of the holy scriptures, specific sexual acts are described. There appear to be at least two references to oral sex within — the first woman to man, the second man to woman.
“Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.” Song of Solomon 2:3
“Awake, O north wind, and come, wind of the south; make my garden breathe out fragrance, let its spices be wafted abroad. May my beloved come into his garden and eat its choice fruits!” Song of Solomon 4:16
Moreover, there is nothing inherently harmful about oral sex. There isn’t much research into the composition or possible health benefits, but a wife’s natural lubricant appears to be okay for her husband to ingest. The contact of lips and tongue to genitals is not far different from hands or fingers on genitals. No stretching or painful penetration is part of the process. The one caveat is that sexually transmitted diseases and infections can be passed by oral-genital contact, so if that is an issue in your marriage, be aware.
(Note: Some have compared oral and anal sex. There is no comparison. The rectum contains harmful bacteria, is not designed for penetration, and usually involves pain for the woman. That practice has been covered in my post, Uh, No.)
With possible biblical precedent and no harmful physical effects, what are the objections to oral sex? Some believe it is simply unnatural to engage in sex that doesn’t involve penetration. However, sexual encounters involve foreplay which isn’t penetration. This is simply touching of another sort. Some believe it is unnatural because it is portrayed in pornography. Well, so is penetration. While I strongly warn against viewing pornography and attempting to copy what is seen there, there are plenty of people who have never seen it in a porn film and engage in fellatio and cunnilingus. They didn’t get the idea from porn. Also, Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage has pointed out that kissing one another’s bodies is quite all right. So where do the lips stop kissing? Must they stop before reaching genitalia? Inner thigh okay? Vulva not? Without biblical, health, or practical reasons, I don’t see why that area is forbidden.
Of course, you must decide for yourself and live out your life in good conscience before God. I merely suggest that you don’t allow preconceived notions to decide for you. Search it out for yourself. Decide based on the merits whether oral sex will be on your marital intimacy menu.
I honestly believe that God is fine with it being a part of the entire sexual experience, which does include penetration as the pinnacle of merging ourselves together as one flesh.
What’s so pleasurable about oral sex? First of all, the focus is the wife. While I believe that sex should be mutually satisfying, there are benefits to focusing on one spouse or the other from time to time. In fact, it is satisfying to many spouses to give intense pleasure to their partner. I enjoy turning my husband on, and from what I’ve heard, husbands get a big kick out of getting their wife’s engine purring.
Second, it is a different and delicate sensation. I’m back to my frozen treat example. Have you ever held an ice cream cone and eaten it this way and that way? You can slurp with your tongue all the way across; give little licks along the edge or at the whipped top; suck the cream with your mouth; twirl your tongue around; brush your lips against the coolness; come at the ice cream straight on, sideways, or from any angle. Your mouth is a handy tool. Now imagine you, lovely wife, are the ice cream. Can you see why that might feel good?
Third, your husband likes that perspective. For one thing, your husband’s eyes are close to his mouth, and he can see what he’s doing, gauge your body’s response, and revel in your pleasure. Let me cite some husbands’ comments from my other post:
“She is totally open to me and I am giving her incredible pleasure.”
“She is then totally open, giving herself totally over to me.”
“I’ve . . . always loved giving my wife oral (sexually, it is probably my favorite thing to do).”
“I am a husband who loves going down on my wife. I really enjoy experiencing her orgasm from that perspective, it is truly amazing.”
Fourth, it is one of the easier ways for a woman to orgasm. Because the husband can directly stimulate the clitoris, the mouth provides lubrication with saliva, and the mouth can vary in intensity, many wives report experiencing climax during oral sex. Stimulation of the clitoris — the woman’s pleasure center — is necessary for her to experience orgasm. With vaginal penetration, that stimulation is indirect. (That said, I personally think orgasm during intercourse is uber-pleasurable, but we can discuss that another time.) Some wives even enjoy receiving an orgasm through oral sex and then finishing off the experience with penetration by the husband.
What if you just don’t wanna? If the thought of receiving oral sex sickens you, is against your conscience, or you simply don’t enjoy the experience, don’t do it. Godly sexuality is never about forcing or demanding sexual acts from your spouse. If you don’t want to have oral sex, don’t. Find other activities that are mutually pleasurable. The beauty of intimacy in marriage is that, while there are some restrictions, there is a substantial amount of freedom. You can spend the next fifty years getting to know one another’s bodies and engaging in physical intimacy that makes your body tingle, your heart pump, and your connection deepen.
In my next post, I’ll be giving more of the “how to” for wives — what you need to do to enjoy oral sex and what you can do to help it feel good.
Congratulations to Cat, who commented last week on Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex: A Review. I enter 42 names in the hat, and hers was randomly chosen to receive the giveaway copy of The Good GIrl’s Guide to Great Sex provided by Sheila’s publisher, Zondervan.
A few sources I looked at while writing this article: Song of Songs (NIV); The Intimate Couple – Is Oral Sex Okay; ChristianAnswers.net -Is Oral Sex Biblically Wrong within Marriage?; The Phrase Finder – The Origin of Lie Back and Think of England