Comments on: He Doesn’t Wanna, But I Do! Be the Brownie

By: J

Fri, 30 Nov 2012 15:32:45 +0000

I disagree about “accepting it.” Yes, I do agree that you ultimately cannot change your spouse’s behavior and that you shouldn’t try to force things. I also agree with your advice, Anon, to avoid other men. However, God desires us to have healthy sex lives in marriage, and we should continue to pursue that in whatever way we can–whether it is through finding resources to help us or having conversations with our spouse or simply prayer. We shouldn’t settle. We should be patient and wait on the Lord, but continue to pray, pursue, and seek God’s blessing of physical intimacy in marriage.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Tue, 20 Nov 2012 16:50:29 +0000

In reply to Anonymous.

I’m in that situation myself. We have six children, but that’s because the few times have been just at the right time. We’ve been married for ten years. I have learned to accept it. My keys were (1) get a good spiritual guide; (2) stay busy with lots of activities; (3) we are a homeschooling family, so I joined a support group where I’m around other Moms and their kids so I can avoid other men (this is a huge temptation factor for me, any man who is even courteous to me sets off tremendous struggles for me); (4) this should probably be #1: AVOID OTHER MEN. This is a huge one; I cannot emphasize enough that you simply have to avoid other men. It WILL get better, trust me. You eventually will have your drive lowered. Get lots of things to do. Get busy and stay busy. I suppose it’s obvious that you don’t have any children; I am so sorry. When you have lots of kids it’s easier to try to do this. It has all ended up with us “doing it” at just the right enough times to get me pregnant. When you have a lot of kids it’s easier. Just get really busy. It’s the only way and the only safe way. Otherwise you will only get yourself in major trouble.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Thu, 16 Aug 2012 20:16:32 +0000

Hope it’s not too late to add this comment – when my husband and I married 10 years ago after being divorced, he had only been a Christian for a few years, me a lot longer. It was hard to wait for intimacy while we dated but we both wanted to do it right this time. So you can imagine my surprise when shortly after the honeymoon, he backed way off and acted pretty disinterested for a while. I was very hurt & confused but prayed about it a lot and several months later his interest began to gradually increase and now it’s all I can do to keep up with his drive (10 years later). We were finally able to talk about it & he told me that he had to work so hard to change the way he looked at sex & women from his old life prior to becoming a Christian that it just took him a while to let himself go and enjoy sex the way God intends for it to be between a man and wife & that it was ok for him to lust after his wife and enjoy her as the gift God intended for her to be. I’ve heard this can be true of newly-wed Christian virgins too. Prayer & patience can get you through & the best is yet to be. 😉 Love this blog!

By: Tabitha

Tabitha — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 22:14:35 +0000

Thank you for these posts. I actually feel like I have a starting point. God used this to open my eyes to some poor timing and selfishness on my part. Yes, it hurts when he doesn’t even want to talk about it or work on it and some of the things that I suspect are behind our issues are gut wrenching and yes, it feels so unfair that this is the nature of my 5 month long marriage but I am a doer and an “identify the problem and do what it takes to fix it” person and I can see where I’ve compounded the problem rather than helping it. Again, THANK YOU!!!

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 14:28:57 +0000

My husband and I have been married for 9 months now, we both saved ourselves for marriage. We are living with his parents until we save up for a place of our own. He works 12 hr. shifts with a day off of the week. Even before this job his sex drive wasn’t really high and now it’s even worse. He sometimes tells me we will make love tomorrow then when the time comes he is too tired. I feel extremely hurt by this because,I never thought my intimacy with my hubby would turn out like this. I am there to listen to his problems at work,give him support, I try to cuddle but eventually he says goodnight and that he is tired. Before we got married we would kiss passionately and I thought he and I would have that atttaction in the bedroom when we got married and were able to give ourselves to each other but, sadly I feel he isnt intrested in sex like I am. I am at a loss on what to do because, I have tried a lot of ways to entice him but with hardly no success. We have sex now only when he feels like it.

By: JSP

JSP — Thu, 03 May 2012 12:54:34 +0000

I wish I had read this earlier in my marriage. It took a lot of tears and altered expectations to reach a happier status quo. It was so painful to read the few resources for higher drive wives saying to up the sexy factor. If that worked I wouldn't have been reading them in the first place! Lol.

Loved your tips for non-sexual ways to be the brownie! I'll have to try them. Maybe my husband will want to be the ice cream to my brownie. ;) Mmm, yummy. I could go for that any day!

By: Pearl

Pearl — Wed, 02 May 2012 21:22:53 +0000

Women are so much more verbal than men (on the average, not all). Men don’t process verbal very well, because of brain chemistry. Your suggestions of NONVERBAL communication are spot-on! Great suggestions for a sensitive subject.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Wed, 02 May 2012 07:40:02 +0000

My parents are in the sexless marriage group. They had sex once and that was enough to make me. My mom is a Christian but my dad isn’t. Why arent they having sex like a normal couple?

By: Meggie

Meggie — Wed, 02 May 2012 04:12:52 +0000

Wow, what a great post! I have had a huge awakening in the past year – after 10+ years of a mostly sexless marriage – and was trying to turn the ship around by hounding my DH about it,and wanting to talk about it all of the time. Which of course has just made things worse – but I felt so desperate to do something to fix things. Thank you so much for ideas that may actually work!

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Tue, 01 May 2012 14:52:32 +0000

My husband and I have been married a year since yesterday and we used to struggle with me wanting sex more frequently. After talking to other wives, my husband and listening to Dr. Gary Chapman in "Five Love Languages", I have learned that several things could contribute to the issue.
Here they are:
Low self-esteem (perhaps not having a job or discouragement or not hearing encouraging words from his wife)
Certain medications he might be on
Fatigue
He wants her to take the initiative
Lack of good communication about or during sex
Not feeling loved (Is his love tank full? Are you loving him the way he needs to be loved?)
Timing
Past issues
Pressure to reach climax
Location

It takes a lot of work, communication and unrelenting love.