Daily Archives: June 18, 2012

Does Your Church Know?

Q&AOn Mondays, I’m working my way through the questions left in the comments section of Q&A with J at HHH. I still have several fabulous ones to get to, and I appreciate your patience. If yours hasn’t shown up yet, I promise it will.
Today’s question, however, is a bit personal:

HAPPY: Aloha, J! You had mentioned earlier that you told your mother about your blog – how about people from church? If so, what sort of response have you received?

The quick answer is no. However, my pastor has known for a full year what I am doing and is supportive. He agrees that the church needs to foster healthy marriages, including biblical sexuality within them. Beyond that, I don’t speak for him, as he might or might not agree with everything I’ve written on my blog. He and his wife do have the web address and can access my posts at any time.

Why haven’t I told my church? First, I have chosen to remain anonymous for the time being, simply going by the letter J. I have personal and family reasons why I have not yet revealed my identity, but I do expect to at some point.

Even if I was ready to tell my church, it’s a small world. For instance, I have more than once discovered that two of my personal Facebook friends knew each other when I didn’t know they had any connection. I have also visited churches where within a few conversations I have found mutual acquaintances. Moreover, I am three degrees of Kevin Bacon. Really. The point is, once the cat is out of the bag here, it’s out of the bag everywhere. So I will likely tell the church just a few days before I tell all of you.

I have considered how my church will react when I suddenly announce, “Hey, you know how I said I didn’t have time to teach any extra classes, and you wondered what on earth I was doing with all of my time? Well, I was super-busy writing a blog about sex. And yes, it’s ministry.” And what about when someone from my church Googles the blog name and finds posts on shaving, fellatio, and sex and bunnies? Maybe there is some way to direct them first to The Gospel in the Bedroom.

What I expect is that my church will be much like The Church — some will ignore it, some will be supportive, a few will be thoroughly encouraging, and a few will be in my face giving me an earful for discussing something so very private in such a public way. I do suspect that my church will have far more of the supportive and encouraging types than detractors (which would explain why we chose it as our church). However, I have no doubt that someone will think I have stepped every single toe over the line and wiggled them in the direction of hell.

In that case, I’ll take heart from one of my favorite Winston Churchill quotes: “You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” Of course, I’m not trying to make enemies. Far more important than Prime Minister Churchill is the Word of God which says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18).

But I’m not keeping my identity a secret for fear of retribution from a few detractors. Hey, I already have detractors in the blogosphere. I get a little friendly fire from time to time as it is. My reasons are focused less on me and more on certain people in my life.

Still, when I do tell all of my friends and family what I’ve been doing with this blog, those closest to me won’t be surprised. I’ve been talking about godly sex for a long time. I recall sitting at a table with some women who were talking about marital intimacy like it was a chore and one of my friends said something like, “Well, we can’t talk to J about this because she’s likes sex.” I might as well have been a flying purple people eater at that moment. (See also Intimacy in Marriage’s great post called 5 Reasons I Like Sex: Confessions from a Christian Wife.) However, I bet that I wasn’t the only gal in the room who loved having sex with her husband; I was simply the only one who had spoken up.When I finally add a bunch more letters to the “J” and give you a full name, I would love to also speak about God’s gift of sexuality. But perhaps God wants to groom me a little while longer. For now, my ministry to equip marriages for thriving physical intimacy largely takes place through one-on-one conversations as the subject arises and this blog. Indeed, that may be part of God’s refining of me: I gain information, encouragement, and wisdom from my interaction with others on this subject. In particular, some of you have left comments that make me reflect, study the Bible deeper, and simply keep me going.

I wish I could thank all of you in person. But of course, if I did that, the cat would not only be out of the bag, he’d be yowling all night.

But I’m not so silly as to think that whether I speak up or not is going to be the make-or-break moment for the church and sexuality. I agree wholeheartedly with Mordecai from the Bible when he advised his cousin Esther: “For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place.” My perspective on the blog is what Mordecai follows up with: “And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?” I started with a “Who knows? Maybe God really can use me here” attitude. But if I don’t do it, someone else will. Indeed, if Christians are going to effectively fight against Satan’s attacks and reclaim God’s gift of sexuality, it will take more than one blogger or one speaker or one preacher anyway. But maybe I can do something from this blog — and someday in other ways.

Regardless, the Church needs all of you talking about godly sexuality where you are and in whatever way you can. It may be giving encouragement to a friend who is struggling with porn or lack of interest or coordinating a marriage class at your church or instructing your own children about God’s plan for marital intimacy. It may be writing or speaking on this subject. It may be commenting here when you have some wisdom to add.

My church doesn’t currently know I’m writing this blog. But the church knows that I stand for godly sexuality. What about your church? Do they know what you stand for? What small or big thing can you do to foster godly marital intimacy where you are?

Be sure to come back next week when I’ll answer a question about what the church can specifically do to foster biblical sexuality.