You are welcome, and I hope that you’ve been encouraged through this conversation. Tiffani and I will pray for you and your hubby, as I’m sure J will also. Tell your husband that you very much want healing and forward movement… but his truthful involvement is critical to that healing. And once the truth is there, don’t hold it over his head anymore.

Our life scripture has become Isaiah 43:18-19.

“Do not call to mind the former things, Or ponder things of the past. “Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert.

God was not surprised by this turn in your marriage. And as I’ve heard so much lately, sometimes the BETTER comes after the WORSE.

In Christ,
~Jason

I agree: Jason’s perspective was terrific. It sounds like you are asking for reasonable information from your husband. If he isn’t forthcoming, you may need to approach a pastor or counselor. Blessings and prayers.

Thanks. Your comment was wonderful.

Thank you for your advice and for taking the time to reply. I also want to thank you Jason. I hopped over to your site and read the post you linked here and I totally understand what you are saying.Battlefield of the mind does rage here too. When I am weak and fail to abide in Him, I am crushed by it…I end up thinking I know better, why am I allowing him to bash me like this? Like you, I wish we’d never had to walk this road but I know that our marriage and communication, our intimacy would never have changed. Still, my husband wants to move on without looking back…so do I and I have tried desperately because, just as you said, the tearing apart of the one flesh would destroy me. Yet, I am being destroyed slowly by the lies he told me. I understand his fear and shame would have made him do that in the beginning,but when I looked him in the eyes and begged for the truth…did I really get it? He doesn’t understand that, while the details are not supposed to be important and he doesn’t want to rehash them, some things are important to me…the timeline,the whys, the truth about his involvement. Thank you so much for the transparency and the links to other resources. God bless you both and thanks for the prayers!

Thank you!!

Hello Anonymous,

Having been both an offender and an offendee (in adultery) let me assure you that regardless of whether he did or didn’t have physical sex with her, it’s still adultery. Matthew 5:28 makes that quite clear.

I had an emotional affair, although if the other woman had said yes, I was certainly willing (at that time). My wife’s affair went the full physical route… but in God’s eyes, both her sin and mine were alike.

The unfaithful spouse cannot dictate how long it takes the faithful spouse to heal, as we are all different. Gory details will definitely cause you heart and mind battles later, but an expectation of such things as:

1. A definitive answer to whether physical sex did or did not happen.
2. How long it went on (once, days, years, etc.)
3. A physical health check (aids, STDs, etc.)

These expectations are not unreasonable.

I wrote an article on our blog called “Inner Demons” detailing some of the mind battles I have gone through regarding our story. You may find some comfort in knowing how someone else has handled it before. Just writing this post was medicinal for my heart… I believe that for me, it was a form of spiritual warfare just typing it out – as the devil has seriously backed off since I wrote it. If you’d care to read it, you’ll find it here: http://songsix3.org/inner-demons/

J’s advice to sitting down with your husband and a trusted pastor/elder/counselor is dead on the money. If your husband has nothing to hide, then even though his manly pride might be stung a bit, it would behoove him to do what it takes to help his beloved feel safe in the marriage.

~Jason
@SongSix3

I strongly advise you to sit down with a counselor. It is not unreasonable to get the truth. You don’t need details of which sex acts they did or how it felt or what she wore or whatever. But your husband needs to take responsibility, be honest with you, and heal the relationship.

If he won’t go with you, go alone and get professional advice. If money is an issue, talk to your church and see how they can help. One of the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association members is Affaircare; they may have some resources for you as well: http://affaircare.com/

Blessings! I honestly believe you can heal from this pain and situation, but you do need to clear the air and reestablish trust. Saying a prayer for you.

I know this is very long but my question is…when is it okay to want details? I agree that too much imagery will hurt me, but I need the truth. Did he or did he not sleep with her? Did he or did he not have an emotional affair. He has denied this in the past but right now I don’t know what’s the truth anymore. How could he have been with someone that long and not had sex or not had his emotions involved? I hope that you can help me because I’m being eaten alive again and the hormones are not helping either!