Saffire……
Trinidad W.I

Sign me up for that club!!! I am loving this site. It is so refreshing to find a site just for Christian marriage/sexuality. I would LOVE to be able to speak to Christian wives regarding sex & marriage being a gift from God, so I admire you for doing so. I love that this is a place for encouragement & help. Thank you!!!

~ Bobbie

I always thought I was the only one who had straying thoughts during church. The things I’m reading here are making me feel much better about wanting my husband ALL the time. I’m very blessed with an incredible husband both in and out of the bedroom. But I had to reply to this post because for a long time my husband played the bass in the worship team at church. More often than I’d like to admit watching him as he played for the Lord, so engrossed in worship I found him simply the hottest man on the face of the earth. Every few minutes out eyes would lock and I wondered if he knew what I was thinking. That would snap me out of it for a few more minutes. I can’t help it though, he has that affect on me :0)

Hm, my clitoris is so sensitive that direct manual (or oral) stimulation is uncomfortable to the point of being almost painful, but I have multiple orgasms every time we have vaginal intercourse. My “nerves” (or whatever) seem to be extremely sensitive all over. I’ve never had an orgasm from clitoral stimulation, and I never will – just thinking about it makes me hurt. But vaginal stimulation – YES, please!! Immediately upon entry my body goes crazy with pleasure, no matter what part of him is entering. I often feel like I’m odd because I read everywhere that the clitoris is supposed to be a pleasure zone for all women, and most women don’t have vaginal orgasms, and that nipples are an erogenous zone (my nipples are so sensitive that it’s almost painful, too). Why is it seemingly reversed for me?

J, keep up the good work. I have been doing much reading of late on relationships and intimacy, sexual and otherwise. A few months ago, I admited to my wife that something was missing in my feelings for her. The usual thought at this point in most relationships is ” I love you, but I don’t seem to love you as much as you love me.” It’s unfortunate that most people burp this out without thinking a little more deeply first.

It was bascically what I felt but had the foresight not to say at the moment. My “research” has led me to understand that I did not feel as intimate a connection with her as I needed as a male and a husband. Of course, as a guy, sex was a big part of the problem. A lack of sex was weaking the bond between us. Guys connect through sex, first and foremost. I began to realize, what I was really yearning for was the intimate connection with her. It wasn’t a matter of a weaker feeling of love for her. That was the quick, easy answer but an incorrect answer. It’s like saying “You hurt me deeply”, when, more correctly, you weren’t hurt so much as disappointed by a behavior. It’s difficult to work on a problem when it is ill-labled in a moment of frustration. Do you really hate ME when I do that, or do you hate my behavior. The tone of the discussion will be very different if I feel personally hated by someone who is supposed to love me.

Most people would not have done the work I did on myself (and am still doing). Most people would have blurted out the emotion, not what drove the feeling behind it. If you are going to publically speak on this issue, and I think you should, teach on discerning and defining the problem issues honestly. You can only help them win the war if they choose the right battles to fight. I too would like to help build strong marriages in the public forum, but I know I would need to adjust to the reality that I might be quilty of teaching from an enlightened paradigm. “Of course, everyone thinks like me. They just don’t know it yet.”

I think you may have a calling for this as I do. But I would caution you to try to teach what needs to be taught when it’s ready to be received. It’s so easy after studying the literature for so long to lose sight of the fact that you have become head and shoulder above the average person concerning relationships. That’s when you realize that your teaching skills may need the same type of research you have done on relationships to be effective.

Don’t mean to discourage you. It’s just something I have been thinking about lately. I may have the knowledge and proper attitude about Christian marriage, but can I properly teach it as opposed to giving advice and counsel to friends in an informal setting. But you are absolutely right. The church is very neglient in this area. I can see where they might feel it is a delicate topic that could be easily mishandled, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that it’s not being dealt with. I truly wonder if we did deal with it more openly and forcefully in the public forum, would the divorce rate begin to drop. If we can’t teach relationship techniques in our schools for various reasons, why can’t we begin in our churches? We can teach about sexual intimacy in greater depth in the chruch than public schools can. It would be interesting to see if the “churched” divorce rate would begin to drop. It is currently equal that of the secular population. We can do better.