Daily Archives: November 5, 2012

How Kinky Can You Get?

Surprised female - face

You want to do WHAT?!
Photo from Microsoft Word Clip Art

Today’s Q&A is a grouping of three short questions, which ultimately hit at how kinky can you get in the bedroom? Warning: This post will not be gratuitously graphic, but I will explain some possibly uncomfortable sex acts. Just so you know.

All three questions were submitted by anonymous readers. I’ll take them in turn.

1. J, do you have an advice or opinions on rim jobs? Hubby wants to give me one but I’m unsure.

In case you don’t know, readers, a “rim job” is a oral-anal sex which involves stimulating the “rim” of the partner’s anus with the mouth.

I know of no scriptural statement against this practice. However, something need not be specifically forbidden to be off-limits for a Christian. God gave us principles and common sense that we can apply. So let’s apply them.

God created sex for procreation, intimacy, and pleasure. Obviously, oral sex of any kind does not produce children. So then the question is whether it increases intimacy and pleasure. If it only produces pleasure, I’d suggest that something is missing; sex without connection is not God’s design.

So is oral-anal sex wrong? Well, it is disconcerting, mainly because of cleanliness concerns. God did not design the anal opening like the vaginal or urinary openings, which are rather clean. Instead, the rectum carries harmful bacteria which you don’t want to ingest. Therefore, anyone engaging in this practice needs to ensure that the rectum is emptied and the area is extremely clean. Moreover, you can’t switch back and forth between any form of anal sex and vaginal sex because the wife risks rectal bacteria entering the vagina and/or urethra and thus causing infection.

Then there is the question of why someone would want to engage in this practice. Is this really an erogenous zone for you? Some couples do indeed report pleasure from this act. (But I would caution that you can find couples out there who report pleasure from all kind of acts which are suspect at best.)

Before engaging in any sexual behavior that strikes me as different, I would want to know what compels this interest. Is it fueled by porn? Of course, not every sexual act shown in porn is bad; intercourse in marriage is fine and intercourse is shown in porn. But is this where the idea came from? Is it mere curiosity? What would this feel like? Would we like it? Is it a genuine desire to touch and caress different areas of your partner’s body?

I am not going to say this is wrong. I am going to say be careful. If you choose to engage in a rim job, make sure the area is very clean and that the giver doesn’t move from the anus to another easily-infected area. And recognize that you can choose. I’m opposed to any spouse demanding or forcing a sexual act on their partner. God has given us great freedom in the sexual arena, and if you are uncomfortable with a particular act (outside of biblically-commanded intercourse with your spouse), find another activity that provides you both pleasure.

2. My husband has been begging me to use a toy on him anally (like a strap on) is this wrong J? Should I do it? I mean I’m open & as weird as it sounds, it kinda sound fun but idk.

A strap-on sex toy is somewhat like a jock-strap with a “dildo” in front. In this case, the wife would put on the fake penis and enter her husband’s anus from behind.

Some of you may be asking why any man would want to do this. Is it an indication that he is gay? Anal sex is connected with gay males, but it is not limited to homosexual activity. Some straight men desire to be penetrated in this way, particularly since some have recently contended that the male G-spot is the prostate found inside the rectum toward the bladder. This claim is not conclusive, and a large number of men have no desire to have their prostate stimulated. In fact, it is this area that is touched in the notorious glove exam performed by doctors on men over 50.

So is it okay to use an anal toy on your husband?

I admit that I have concerns. First, I have all the issues about the anus’s cleanliness and lack of elasticity mentioned above. Second, this is an atypical request. It does make me wonder what appeals to the husband about this practice. Is he curious about a potential G-spot? Did he see this practice in porn (the practice of straight anal sex has increased since appearing more frequently in pornography)? Does he have any homosexual fantasies? Third, will this indeed increase your pleasure and intimacy as a couple? Fourth, what next? Would this become part of your repertoire? What if he liked it a lot? Would you want to continue to do it?

I cannot find a Bible verse that says, “Thou Shalt Not . . .” to anal penetration. It isn’t there. However, when we consider whether to add an activity to our sex lives, we can ask some questions. Also, we may find that something is not allowable, that it is allowable and beneficial, or that it is allowable but not beneficial. If it is not both allowed in marriage and benefiting your marriage, I suggest you pass. There are plenty of fabulous activities that God does desire us to partake in that will still spice up your sex lives and give you a sense of intimacy and fun.

3. You just did a lingerie post: me & hubby love heels in the bedroom any thoughts, ideas or advice.

Knock yourself out. But don’t hurt yourself. It can be really tricky removing a thong over a pair of stilettos.

I joked in my lingerie post about going too far with a Catwoman costume or a schoolgirl look, but I really think you can be pretty playful here. I agree with Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage who has said that you can dress up in the bedroom as long as you are still you. No pretending to be someone who isn’t there. Marital intimacy is supposed to be about connecting the real you and your real spouse. But if you it’s fun for you to put on a pair of sexy heels or for your guy to wear his cowboy boots while making love, I don’t see any issue with it.

Now if your hubby is in the stilettos . . .

Never mind.

I hope my answers here help. Blessing to all of you!