You’re welcome.

Sometimes I read a comment here that makes me want to pull the commenter into a big hug and let her weep while I pat her back and pray for her. That’s the effect this one had on me.

Anonymous, it is good that you are upset by this because it means that you know in your heart of hearts God desires something far better for the sexual intimacy in your marriage. His design is for you two to explore, engage, and connect with each other through physical contact and pleasure. Unfortunately, that’s not what’s happening. All too often, sex within marriage is a source of emotional pain rather than intimacy. That is not how it is supposed to be. Embrace that truth. And it is okay to grieve that you don’t have that right now.

But I encourage you not to give up hope. Your husband’s willingness to talk to you and to admit sinfulness (the prior porn use) are good signs. He is probably very embarrassed himself and questioning what is wrong with him. He’s likely been given the same messages all of his life that men are supposed to be the sexual pursuers, and he is clearly not fulfilling that role. So continue to pray for him to be released from whatever is holding him back from enjoying physical intimacy and seeking the answers to his specific issues.

I do think counseling would be beneficial. I suggest asking a church leader or your pastor if they know of professional Christian counselors who base their fees on a sliding scale. There may be an area church with a counseling center that charges a fee you could handle. Some churches also offer to assist couples financially who need help. You don’t have to explain your entire situation, but oftentimes church members don’t realize what help might be available if they just asked.

On a more practical level, here are some things to think about. (1) Smell. I bet you smell just fine, but some people report being very sensitive to smells. You could try to bathe or shower beforehand, using a perfumed soap. And oddly enough, what we eat can affect the smell down there. For instance, I’ve read medical articles that citrusy fruits, especially pineapple, improve vaginal odor. Do I think this is a big part of the problem? Nope, not at all. But I wanted to address it since you mentioned it. (2) Losing erection. Your husband should talk to his doctor. Given your story, there seem to be more than physical issues going on here; however, it is possible that there is a physical component that could be addressed. This seems like an embarrassing thing for us, but doctors aren’t embarrassed. They’ve heard everything. If your hubby’s nervous, you could offer to go with him to be his supporter. (3) In the meantime. Your sex life has gotten off to a rocky start. It could be that the best thing to do is to press the reset button; that is, take the pressure off of getting the intercourse right and return to touching and kissing. Take time to explore one another and talk about what feels good and what might trigger discomfort. There may be clues about what’s going on with that information. And while you can’t worship everytime before sex, perhaps you could pray together before you begin.

You are definitely in my prayers. I hope you feel my virtual hug. Hang in there, sweetheart. God is good, and I know He can redeem any situation! I am living proof.

It’s not that it was horrible, but it was awkward and he didn’t like my, well, eau de woman. He admitted that he’d normally surround himself with the smell of perfume when he’d done things in the past, and it was just turning him off that I didn’t smell like roses. That made me feel horrible, of course. And he was like “Don’t worry! I’ll get over it!” but it made me feel like something that had to be endured.

It was a week before he touched me down there with anything other than his penis, and it was only because I’d been begging him for days.

About half the time I approach him, he rejects me for one reason or another. And half the time we try, it doesn’t actually complete. He will just stop being aroused halfway through. It makes me feel like so much less of a woman! All you hear all your life is that men are so sexually aggressive and I was looking forward to being pursued and instead I feel like I have to chase him down and when I make an advance and he’s obviously not into it, I feel like I’m molesting my husband or something. I feel so small.

He did watch pornography in his past. He has repented, but he admitted some of the time he’s struggling because the images pop into his head and since he really is a godly man, that grieves his spirit, and so he stops enjoying the sex. But while I’m glad he’s loving God, I feel like I’m the one paying the price. After one day when we were reading our Bibles and praising God together, we had sex and afterwards he was so excited and he said it was “holy” and it comes to turn out that he didn’t have any images… which is great.. but it made me realize that this was the first time that’s happened for him. Which makes me both compassionate and weary. Because it’s just not practical for us to be worshipping for forty-five minutes before every time we have sex. And I *do* have a higher drive than most women, I don’t feel like a freak saying that. And I thought that was an awesome gift to my husband, but it’s obvious it’s more of a burden. (Okay I just started sobbing!)

And I think a lot of the issue is not just the porn, but how hard on himself he had to be to gain self control before marriage. He is so used to denying himself sexually that I think he is struggling to communicate to his body “no, it’s okay this time” and that’s the main reason a lot of time we start and don’t get anywhere. He’s repressed himself so much he doesn’t know how to get past it.

We are still very much newlyweds and he says be patient. And I am hoping about that. But I am also wondering if we need to seek out counseling. We are very poor newlyweds and I don’t think we can afford it, and I would feel very uncomfortable doing it with anyone we knew (like our pastor). I want to be loving and understanding of him… but I also do feel like he’s depriving me… and I hate accusing him of it. I feel so rejected. Deep inside I just keep asking myself “What is wrong with me?” and also “How can I fix him?” I tried to try other positions, but he was just like “I’m not ready for that.” I asked him what that meant and the sixth time I asked (different days) he finally told me it was my smell… which he had insisted he was past. So in reality, he still is repulsed by me. Because my smell is a part of me.

I feel very embarrassed and I don’t want to shame him by telling someone (hence why I am “anonymous” here.) I just don’t know what to do… I pray for him even during sex most of the time, that it’s good for him. It’s been good for me a couple times, but never great so far. I don’t know.

Counseling and threats of leaving can’t shake him….God is my only answer.

He does have low testosterone, but is being treated for it. It’s been 4 years since I got too old/overweight/familiar/whatever for him. I have tried to talk to him about it but he literally doesn’t talk with me.

His main reason is that he just didn’t think. And that really is true – he is passive to the point of immobility. I make all the decision, I take on all responsibility, if I don’t take care of something, it doesn’t happen.

And he taught me early in our marriage that he doesn’t want me to initiate – he responds to me like you might respond to a cute 4 year old that wants to drive.

I’ve given up my hobbies and individual interests because I simply don’t have time to do anything but run the home for both of us and the kids. I’ve given up being interested in sex because the neglect/rejection hurts too much to continue wanting what I know I won’t have.

I think sometimes, the higher-drive spouse has to decide if it’s worth divorcing over. If it’s not, learn to live with it.

I’m so sorry to the wives who read it and get frustrated that their husband isn’t “normal”. That is one of the pitfalls of reading marriage blogs. You see things in other marriages that you want. It is a short jump to coveting.

On the other side of the fence, we share the same frustrations. It seems the bulk of the marriage bloggers are women, and we, who read a lot of marriage blogs, are constantly bombarded by these wise, godly women who have learned to submit and even enjoy sex with their spouse with higher than average frequency. We even do come across some wives who have higher drives than their husbands, and then we get to experience that “grass is greener over there” thinking as well.

It is crucial to learn to be content in your marriage without being complacent. Always strive to grow, but in the mean time be happy where you are. That is the secret. One I am still trying to learn.

This is always a starting place, and if it’s not being done it will be a problem. Sadly, there are often far bigger and deeper issues that need to be dealt with.