Anonymous,
I know this is getting off the topic of the original post, but we were almost exactly in the same place. My husband wasn’t meeting my emotional needs and so I wasn’t all that enthusiastic about meeting his. It was when I made the choice to initiate sex every 2-3 nights that things have really turned around for both of us. We both still struggle with out weaknesses, but because MY attitude has changed, he is more willing to meet my needs. I’d suggest to you (since you are the only one you have any control over) to find out what these connection points are that she is looking for and set about to make them happen. Does she long for date nights? Once a week, call her and ask her out on a date. Does she want your attention when you get home from work? Then pour yourselves a glass of wine or tea and sit out on the patio with her for 30 minutes every evening letting her talk about her day. Does she accuse you of too much computer time? Give up your non-essential computer time. Without telling her what you are doing, become a slave to her needs for a month and see if you begin to see any changes in her attitude. If she is accusing you of abandoning her, then she feels abandoned… it may not be reality, but it is HER reality. I’m willing to bet that if she begins to feel pursued emotionally, she will begin to feel safe and not be as needy. Things won’t change over night, and will be 2 steps forward, one step back, but stick with it and you might just find that you have a much stronger marriage in 6 months from now.

Being a man who is damaged from childhood, insecure and a weak leader myself, and in my late 40s, and my second marriage, there are times (most times) where I feel that having a good sex life, or even having it once a week, is a hopeless fantasy.
You are right, a good marriage takes work, but when the husband is a weak leader and the wife needs leadership, that’s a tall order. You see, for my wife, sex is something that happens after an emotional connection has been made, and for me, sex is what creates the emotional connection. I have been doing some soul searching after my wife accused me of abandoning her emotionally, and realized that because I have not been getting the sex I need for connection, I have been disconnecting from her in other areas of our marriage. She is not a person who reaches out for connection, so she expects me to take a leadership role and initiate all the connecting points in our relationship. As a result, we are just kind of co-existing in our marriage. Its sad, but its my reality, and I don’t see it changing.

When he took over it was rough for a week or so, but the kids responded to his stricter schedule and he appreciated how hard it was for me to manage the kids all day. I used to need the time to take a shower and get myself mentally switched to wife mode. Now just knowing I have the time to time to tie up loose ends around the house I just put in headphones or have my tv show on while in do dishes I can let the mom on call in me go.

We also go to bed early! After our first child I told him if you want any chance at sex it’s going to have to be around 9. I knew I’d never last until he was ready to go to bed. He laughed at first, but once he saw how exhausted I was he started to coming to bed with me. If he can’t sleep after, I’m not offended if he wants to get up. I just asked if he’d check with me to see if I need anything else (ie to talk about anything, a little extra time because our schedules have been busy,ect.). When our sex life is running smoothly and regularly I’ve never been refused.

Also, as the woman needing more “warm-up” time, it’s important to think good things about your husband throughout the day, including prepping yourself mentally for intimacy. Put on music that makes you smile and think of him. Do things that make you feel pretty and desirable (hard when you feel lucky to get a shower, I know!!) And be sure to initiate some yourself too, not just leaving it to your husband all the time.

I will say my husband is FABULOUS with the kids and does most of the bedtime routine himself (for the older three). This definitely helps make me more relaxed at night and more easily in the mood! He also lets me go out often with my girlfriends. So moral of the story, it’s a team effort of trying to serve each other.

To the men I would say go back and read what she said about how exhausting it is to have small children. The more we guys can do to help with that load, the better it is for everyone and everything, including our sex lives. Beyond the good that is reaped as we do things for our wives, she will remember that we helped sacrificial when she was in need, and that greatly increases the chances she will do the same for the rest of our marriage!

On a practical level, give mom AT LEAST one night a week off. That means she says goodnight to the kids an hour before they go to bed, and she is done with them – dad does all the rest alone that night.