Each Monday for a while, I will be responding to questions posed in my Q&A with J at HHH post. In the past couple of weeks, I received five comments from wives saying that they have a higher sex drive than their husbands. Rather than print the entirety of their comments here, this is the gist:
My husband thinks I am crazy cause I have a much higher sex drive than him!! What can I do to help him be more relaxed about sex and to get his sex drive up?
My sex drive is up the wall compared to him. . . He thinks I’m sex crazed and most times I think there’s something wrong with me . . .
Yes Yes, please help us wives who are the higher drive partner.
My husband and I are having a problem in our sex life. I think it’s serious, and he thinks it’s no big deal. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he gets very angry at me, and it causes him to close up and not talk about it. I am a very sexual person, and [he] really doesn’t put very much importance on it . . . he makes me feel dirty for wanting it . . .
I yearn for him at night, and during the day I just stare lustfully at my husband. Wondering why he doesn’t want it as much as I do? I’m frustrated.
I have covered this topic some in previous posts:
She Wants, He Doesn’t Want – A look at why your husband may not want sex
Wives Want Sex Link-Up – A link fest with other marriage bloggers’ thoughts
Sheila Gregoire of To Love, Honor, and Vacuum also has a relevant post today on How a Marriage Changes.
Today, I want to talk about how to biblically and practically approach the issue with your husband.
Let me start with this gem: You cannot change your spouse.
Hey, don’t blame me. I wasn’t the one who created free will.
But it’s true. You cannot make your spouse have sex with you. The transformation in your husband must come from him.
There are, however, internal and external factors that influence our decisions. For instance, I eat when I feel hungry (internal) and when someone puts a brownie in front of my face (external). Don’t judge me. I won’t eat unless I make a decision to, but things happening in and around me impact my choices.
INTERNAL FACTORS
Internal factors are what’s going on inside your husband. Internal factors may include:
- issues (past or present) with pornography that distort his perception of sexuality
- low testosterone
- depression
- a history of sexual abuse
- stress from job or other responsibilities
- guilt from prior promiscuity
- a lack of self-confidence
Like your spouse’s hunger, you cannot control these things, but you can help him identify what’s happening. However, we often choose the worst ways to get him to recognize the problem:
- nagging
- pleading
- demanding
- shoving information and research in his face
- sharing the story of your cousin or your friend’s husband
- over-the-top crying
- quoting scripture at him
- threatening
- giving ultimatums
- saying “If you loved me, you’d . . . “
These tactics make conversation unpleasant and tense, and many husbands will run from that faster than the Roadrunner from Wile E. Coyote.
Yet 1 Corinthians 7:4-5a says: “The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.” That verse indicates that it’s a sin to deprive one another; the Bible commands us not to. So how can we gently point out that sin?
Consider Matthew 7:12: “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you . . .” If a husband is struggling with depression, a pornography addiction, past abuse, or whatever, he doesn’t want to be slammed on the head with what else is wrong with him. But he does need to deal with the issues. So you need to ask how to best create a safe environment in which the two of you can openly discuss your marital intimacy.
Find a good place and time to talk. Here’s a hint: The worst place is in the bedroom and the worst time is after you’ve offered sex and he’s declined. Choose a time when you are not sexually charged or feeling particularly hurt. Get away from the house even, although make sure you are in a private setting. Keep your clothes on. Men often talk more easily shoulder-to-shoulder than face-to-face, so try a fishing trip, golfing, a nature hike, touring a sculpture garden — whatever suits your fancy and his.
Don’t make statements. Ask questions.
- How do you think our marriage is going overall?
- Growing up, who were your role models for marriage? How do you think they influenced you?
- What do you wish you had done differently before marriage regarding sexuality? What are you glad you did right?
- What did you think our sex life would be like before we married?
- What would you like our sex life to be like?
- How frequently would you like to make love?
- What turns you on? What turns you off?
- How can I be a better lover to you?
Now don’t grill the poor guy. This isn’t the Spanish Inquisition where you expect him to recant his heresy and adopt your doctrine on the spot. Choose a question or two at a time and let the conversation unfold. It may take several outings and weeks or even months to get to the heart of the problems. But you aren’t simply gathering information. You are demonstrating by your attitude and approach that you are a trustworthy confidante regarding this topic and want the best for both of you.
Adopt a “we,” not a “me,” attitude. Whatever his issue is, treat it as a WE problem. Even if he had brought some problem into the marriage, it is yours to tackle together. You are married — one flesh. Indeed, he could return that favor if someday you struggle with hormonal issues or depression that affects your own libido. Assure him that whatever the issue is, you aren’t there to wave it around in front of him. You want to be the helper that God described in Genesis 2:18.
Express your desire for intimacy, not just frequency. No one likes to be used. Which is one of the reasons why a lower drive spouse can react like prodded cobra when the higher drive spouse says they want more sex. They may not feel loved so much as used to meet a physical need.
Of course, you know and I know that’s not the reality. If you only wanted to release sexual tension, you could get that done without engaging your husband. Sex, however, is a physical expression of closeness and also fosters closeness between you. Focus your discussion on how you desire to engage with your husband in intimacy because you desire that closeness.
Ask for a win-win. Ask your husband to help you find a win-win solution that is not merely a compromise but meets both parties’ needs and desires. You may require a mediator to find that win-win. Perhaps he’ll agree to meet a few times with a counselor or your pastor and brainstorm ways for both of you to get what you want out of your intimacy.
Pray. Cover every step with prayer. And don’t make it, “Dear God, Please change my husband from being a selfish, ignorant jerk to a sweet, passionate lover. Amen.”
Pray for your husband to have the delight of sex with you. Pray for you to delight in him. Pray for you to reach accord. Pray the scripture itself when words fail you, and when they don’t. For instance, pray Proverbs 5:18-19. Here’s my translation: “Dear God, I pray that my husband’s fountain will be blessed, that he will find reasons to rejoice in me and our marriage. I pray that he will see me as loving and graceful and that my breasts will always satisfy him. I pray that he will become intoxicated by my love.” Can I get an “Amen”?
So do my suggestions place the burden on you? Um, yeah. Remember how you can’t change your spouse? The person you can control is YOU! You have to decide to take that deep breath, commit to being the best wife you can be, and do what you can to create a more intimate marriage. In the end, if you did 90% of the instigating, but you both are 100% satisfied with a fabulous marriage and sex life in the future, you’ll be fine with that.
Now I would love to address the External Factors, but I was told that my word count is not allowed to rival the IRS Tax Code — at least not in a single blog post. So rather than give terse treatment to the remainder of this subject, I’ll come back next week with more! Here’s the teaser for next Monday’s post: How to Be the Brownie.
So what if the sex has always been great, I am the brownie, but when I throw myself at him he thinks I’m being silly. I just wish he would jump me every chance possible like when were dating. We rarely see each other during the week so when we are both home all I want to do is love on him. It’s like I’m not being taken seriously. So frustrated.
**side note: I’m 25 and he’s 35 so I do understand that age can be a factor but come on…
So what if the sex has always been great, I am the brownie, but when I throw myself at him he thinks I’m being silly. I just wish he would jump me every chance possible like when were dating. We rarely see each other during the week so when we are both home all I want to do is love on him. It’s like I’m not being taken seriously. So frustrated.
**side note: I’m 25 and he’s 35 so I do understand that age can be a factor but come on…
So what if the sex has always been great, I am the brownie, but when I throw myself at him he thinks I’m being silly. I just wish he would jump me every chance possible like when were dating. We rarely see each other during the week so when we are both home all I want to do is love on him. It’s like I’m not being taken seriously. So frustrated.
**side note: I’m 25 and he’s 35 so I do understand that age can be a factor but come on…
17 years and still not balanced. He’s happy with WAY less lovin’. I think about sex all the time, he’s a very “sexy” guy personality-wise, flirty and loving. Just not very sexual. Its frustrating to live with someone so full of life, so full of love…but who doesn’t take delight in making love.
We take care of our bodies, we’re healthy, we’re spiritually minded. I don’t know what the answer is.
Omg,these wives sound just like me. My husband used to jump me when we were dating, I was the one who would say let’s wait till Marriage.he couldn’t get his hands off me then. Now that I’m his for life, he is a bit more relaxed. He says work is difficult and he loves knowing I’m always going to be by his side, which is all good and fine, but I want to be seduced!!!! Hellllp!
My husband claims a medical issue…but won’t get it checked out.
I have done all I can to “be the brownie.” He just isn’t interested in any intimacy or closeness at all. He used to be very interested in me during the first years of our marriage; then infertility hit, and sex became a chore. Now that our children are older, and don’t need us all the time, I would have thought we could have had more time together,and we could have fun with each other agian, but it’s not the case at all. Very heartbreaking, and I don’t know what to do any more, either.
As a guy (on a light note) I agree wholeheartedly with Rev. Mark Gungor; we hate those men in the situation above. Of course I don’t really mean that but most men would pay with their left hand to trade places with our brothers described here.
Agree completely. When I read comments like Anonymous at 11:31 a.m. I can’t help but wonder….where were you 25 years ago!!!!!! LOL! And for those who are not familiar with Mark Gungor’s “we hate you” line, go to YouTube and watch his marriage videos. He is hilariously on target.
I’m looking for that video but there is so many! Can u pin point it?
Sorry, just saw your request but noticed J found it for you. Hope you enjoyed it. All his videos are worth watching.
You know I can not speak for ALL wives in this situation, but I can make one suggestion that did work for me. Now I am 50yo and Dear Hubby is 55yo, and on the one hand I do think it’s natural that *some* things have slowed down some…HOWEVER!! When Dear Hubby found out we wouldn’t be having more children and some hormone levels were changing etc., I found myself thinking “I don’t want our sex life to be over!” in a bit of a panic, and he felt hurt and discouraged, like less of a man etc. and didn’t share it with me.
I began to think about sex and marriage and commitment and what it all means, and I came to realize that even if our sex life DID end, I had made a commitment to my husband to remain faithful to him. Now he had also made commitments to me, so we had duties to each other…but really how would I like it if someone was constantly sort of on my case about something I already felt pretty bad about–like maybe constantly saying, “Well you just are NOT losing enough weight and I don’t find you very attractive because of it.” I’d feel EVEN WORSE and it sure as shooting wouldn’t encourage me to do better!!
So I tried to change my perspective. Instead of reminding him of HIS duties TO ME, I started looking at myself and my duties. After all–can’t change him, right? I came to realize that sex was not all about *me* getting my thundering O…it was about being intimate with the man I loved, and it was about meeting whatever physical needs he had. When I put the focus on myself to make sure I’m staying attractive, I’m being his friend and confidant, I’m being his companion, I’m giving him time to relax and unwind or doing things with him that relax him versus stress him out, I’m respecting him, I’m flirting with him…my point is that there were a lot of areas where I could step it up a bit. Now granted, it is not up to me to “make him want me” (I get that) but when sex became two individuals being emotionally, spiritually, mentally, verbally and yes physically intimate…THEN I began things differently.
Yes, I still have a higher drive and wish we got together more frequently. BUT I now can also meet his needs physically for touch, hugs, kisses, holding him, massages, etc. and when he is not in pain, he’s more receptive to thinking of sexy things! When I meet his needs for a friend, someone who cares about him and his thoughts, someone who wants to know the real him, someone who doesn’t want him to hurt or be stressed out, then he switches a little from his analytical thinking to his feelings and feels “warm and loved” and ta da!
So I’m not saying it was “my fault” or something I did wrong, so much as I’m suggesting looking at the same coin from a different perspective. You just can not and will not be able to change your husband. But you CAN change YOU and you can change what you do and how you view things. Maybe become more intimate with him emotionally. Maybe find out the physical things that make it hard for him to be in a sexy mood. Maybe just be his best friend! And always, ALWAYS read the bible and ask God to show you in His word the traits and characteristics of a good wife. Nowhere does God tell us that we are only to be a good wife if we have a good husband. Nope, Abigail had a jerk of a husband, and she still found favor in God’s site (and David’s) by being a wise and good wife. So take up the challenge and be the wife God wants you to be, whether your husband is “being a good husband” or not.
Yes and AMEN! I’m another wife who wants it more often than hubby. I’m 37 and still would love it at least once a day. Sometimes I feel like I should ‘grow up already!’ Great post, and I can’t wait to hear your suggestions on how to be the brownie! 😉
For those who have asked, I looked up Mark Gungor’s video referenced above. It’s about Stinking Thinking regarding men’s (typical)interest in sex. I thought it was pretty good, so here you go: http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingthinking.com/stinking-thinking/interested-in-sex/
The link doesn’t work =( is it on youtube?
Just worked for me. Did you try highlighting the URL, right click, then open link? I’ll search YouTube for it.
Gungor Link
Arrrgh! I’m very glad to see this issue addressed, but am still incredibly discouraged by the way it is often dealt with. The second article about being the brownie says that 1/4 of the time wives have the higher drive, which I’m reading as meaning that in 25% of marriages the woman has a higher drive. That is a substantial minority, yet when I watch Mark Gungor’s video I see him making a 15 second disclaimer that not all men have higher drives than their wives and spending the other 97% of the video making blanket statements that promote the misapprehension that all men think about sex all the time and that women just want to exist on some higher, non-sexual plain, or that we somehow just tolerate sex.
Having mismatched sex drives in a marriage is a very frustrating and hurtful situation, made so much worse by being constantly inundated with the idea that we are somehow abnormal because I have a higher drive than my husband.
Growing up in our culture I came to believe the myth that men thought about and wanted sex all the time. So when I got married and discovered this wasn’t the case I could not help but internalize the idea that it was my fault. I KNOW there is nothing wrong with me! I KNOW my wonderful husband has challenges, some which can be overcome and some which we have to live with. However, when you’ve been indoctrinated with a belief your whole life, it’s dang hard to overcome it. It just makes me sad (and a little mad) that we can never escape the erroneous ideas about men and women and their sex drives.
Thanks for letting me vent 🙂
For us, it was as simple as changing the time of day. My wife’s sex drive is much higher than mine, and when approached in the evening after a long day, I had very little interest. But when we were doing the dishes together after dinner and I could see that she was not wearing panties, all kinds of wonderful fireworks occurred (right there in the kitchen)! Sometimes all it takes is a glance at a different time of day or in a different situation. We were guests on our friends fairly small power boat, and my wife asked for help with something in the bathroom and before I inew what she was up to, I was receiving pleasure that has kept me coming back. But eager wives–you absolutely, positively have to change the “time and place” if night time has grown into a staleroutine! I don’t know if any of these will work for you, but my wife has totally succeeded in getting me to think a lot more about sex as she has focussed on oral sex and daytime sex. Just a thought–lt
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