But put from this perspective, and I have indeed read the Schnarch book, (Intimacy and Desire) I do agree about the “Reflected Sense of Self”. Essentially this means that we feel valued more or less as determined by our spouse’s desire for us. But we also need to cultivate our “solid, flexible sense of self”, who we really are to OURSELVES, and what made our spouse fall in love with us in the first place.

But what I like about this post is that it shows that the responsibility of bridging the gap isn’t on the LD person or the HD person alone. The HD person needs to work on what attracted his / her mate to him / her in the first place. And to try to forget about the rejective feelings associated with “not tonight”, and shift them toward making the next experience even better.

Great post, again. I’ve experienced “an inability to launch” recently, and have found the shoe lately on the other foot. It’s a different viewpoint, and now I see the pain from the HD person’s point of view–It’s just as hard to be the one as to be the other.

I gave my two cents about this with He Doesn’t Wanna, But I Do! Help for Higher-Drive Wives (hotholyhumorous.com/2012/04/he-doesnt-wanna-but-i-do-help-for.html) and Be the Brownie (hotholyhumorous.com/2012/04/he-doesnt-wanna-but-i-do-be-brownie.html).

But Annabel’s blog (http://spiceandlove.wordpress.com/) is a good place for higher-drive wives to go. She blogs exclusively for higher-drive wives.

I understand the desire to want to breathe and figure out what your own sexual desire is. I suggest communicating with your husband. Explain that you’re not trying to get out of having sex, but rather you want to have a great sex life with him that is mutually enjoyable. Maybe you could be playful with it and promise to initiate in the few (set a number) days. If he KNOWS that he’s going to be sated, he might be willing to sit back and see how it goes with you approaching him. Then figure out what you need to get ready for a sexual encounter. Most wives need time to mentally prepare and get in the mood by setting the environment, carving out time, dressing in something alluring, etc.–whatever works for you. That’s where I’d start. And with continuing to read HHH and Corey’s Sex on Sunday blog posts. 🙂

“I wish he would just leave me alone for a little while and let ME figure out what MY sex drive is.”

Would you be okay if your husband changed this slightly to:

“I wish she would just leave me alone for a little while and let ME figure out what MY conversation drive is.”

So often, we hear that the lower drive spouse controls the frequency, or the less ambitious spouse controls “what” is allowed in the bedroom. For many, the thought is that 1 or 2 times per week should be “sufficient” because that’s enough for the lower drive spouse, yet I don’t believe anyone would say it’s okay to talk to each other only as often as 1 or 2 times per week. Or, we hear that you only go as far as the more conservative spouse wishes in the bedroom – only do what that spouse agrees to. Imagine this being applied to conversation with one spouse simply dictating that certain topics are off limit forever.

Thank you so much for this post! As the only higher-drive wife who is currently blogging about sex (that I know of), I am really grateful when I see others tackling this important topic. I hope to see other women who are higher drive blogging in the future, and I think the start of that is helping us to realize that this is, as you said, something so important to work through and communicate about. Thanks also for tackling this issue in a way that draws us all in, and helps me to see myself (as a higher-drive wife) as normal, even if not as common.

I appreciate it & I am looking forward to reading the series!

Hi D –

My belief is that sexual desire and struggles like you describe are relational issue, not just on you (or him). If for some reason you did discover the space to figure out YOU, it’s still going to be in relationship terms.

I also believe and teach (in Sex On Sundays on Simple Marriage) that what you describe requires your husband to take the lead for solution. Many husbands want their wife to want to have sex with them, while a woman can have sex with whomever they choose, they can’t want to have sex with just anyone – sexual attraction is a response to stimuli. And a man’s masculinity is want stimulates a woman’s femininity.

You’re not alone in what you’re going through, so hang in there and perhaps some possible solutions will present themselves.