From the little I have here, it sounds like your husband is having some issue–maybe physical, stress-related, emotional–that is sinking his desire. There are no guarantees here, so I don’t want to pretend otherwise. But talk to him about it away from the bedroom and instead of focusing on you wanting more sex, ask how you can help. Sometimes a husband knowing that he isn’t fully satisfying his wife’s desire can make him less apt to try; he just feels like he doesn’t measure up, which puts a damper on the manly swagger most guys need to initiate sex. So try putting the ball more in his court by asking what he envisions as a good sex life, what sparks his desire, what is causing him stress or reluctance, etc.

Best wishes! And thanks for sharing your story and advice for others.

Desiringdiscipline, I am right there with you! I could have it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner! But, unfortunately, my husband’s appetite doesn’t match mine. And it does build resentment.
Also, just wanted to be candid here and tell you I also like a dominate male (I do like to be bound!).
And I also had many previous sexual relationships (before I was married) which I know have damaged sexual intimacy in my marriage.
Just wanted to tell you you’re not alone!

It is definitely a challenge to have a much higher drive than your spouse. Communicating is an important part of managing your sexual appetite differences. I appreciate your take regarding that aspect.

However, I am strongly opposed to the inclusion of BDSM or physical or emotional abuse in the bedroom. The expressions of sexuality in the Bible all point to passion and tenderness, not an imbalance of power. Such activities do not promote the intimacy that the Bible compares to that of Christ and His church.

I encourage you to awaken your sexuality and foster intimacy through more intense lovemaking without dealing in fringe activities. Blessings for your marriage!

I’ve been in a 20 year marriage where we never could find “our groove” and we were well into the co-existing roommates stage, with a lot of stuffed-down anger, hurt and aggression. It was miserable and I was 99% sure that once our kids were gone, so too would I be. I am in that minority of women who have a HUGE sexual appetite; my husbands is probably on the low side of normal but given my high needs–his seemed almost non-existent. It eventually “wasn’t even worth my while” and we went through many years with no intimacy. My anger and frustration turned me to eating and gaining unhealthy weight. I was not only unhappy with my husband, I was unhappy with me.

Crazy enough, the best thing that has happened for our marriage is that I read Fifty Shades of Grey, and just before that I made a commitment to lose weight and get in shape. Not that it’s great literature, but it put me back in touch with a side to me I was always ashamed to explore–the one that wanted a strong male who still loved and respected me. Searching terms like “dominance” and “submission” (the latter a term I was well familiar with as a Christian woman, but had eschewed bitterly) I came upon many websites (christian and secular) on the topic of domestic discipline or taken in hand, and began realizing I’d been doing things all wrong. My efforts to control things and not trust had made my husband into a man I didn’t respect or feel attracted to. As someone commented above, it starts with me and it doesn’t matter who was wrong (Do watch Fireproof). I had to make the changes, and I had to confess to my husband what I’d done wrong in our relationship, and I had to tell him how important intimacy and sex were for me to feel connected in our marriage (the amazing power of the one-flesh union), and in turn respectful, loving and supportive of him.

Things are turning around for us. I am still trying to convince him that I really do want him to be our head of household and take the lead, and slowly he is believing me. It came down to my attitude change. Sometimes he now will ask me/tell me to do something in a joking way, and seem happily surprised at my submissive attitude. At first it does feel like acting, but actions do precede beliefs, and before long I realized this was the marriage I wanted.

I don’t know if we’ll ever get to a point of both feeling our sexual needs are met, but we are working on it. We are now communicating our needs better. Getting to a good sex place has been a bumpy road for many reasons, not the least of which is relationships I had in my single years. Too much to compare to, not a good dynamic in marriage. I want sex almost every night. He has gone from nothing to at least once a week. I try very hard to be grateful for this improvement.

No one said it would be easy, but being open about what you need and want, and changing yourself first are keys. No one can resist respect and support in a mate. Try it on. It’ll have positive results.