Anon,

II just read your post as well as the relys and my heart breaks for both of you. Sex is suppose to be one of the most wonderful parts of marriage and for the both of you to be struggling with it so early on is heartbreaking. My wife and I (just celebrated 18 yrs) struggle early on because we “fooled around” some before we got married (we didn’t have sex, but did just about everything else short of it) and it definatly had an impact on how we started off. Please believe that it can and will get better for both of you if your both willing to put in the effort to workout the issues before you. My wife and I got help from a marriage councillor when we needed it and while it was uncomfortable at first, it was the best decision se could have made because he helped us to find a middle ground we could start from and in the 16 yrs since our sex life had only gotten better and more wonderful with each passing year.

Thank you for posting this… I guess I am like your wife and this was a true wake-up call for me! We had counseling for almost two years (been married for less than five now) and I’ve been seeing a counselor personally so we really… know we have a problem and would LOVE to solve it but it just doesn’t seem to work…

We have sex once in two-three-four months and when we do it’s fantastic! Every time I tell my husband it’s going to change now, that we’re going to have sex at least once a week since it felt so great and drew us closer and reminded us why we love each other so much… Yet still, a week passes by and another… until, you seem to know how it goes.

Anyway, I’ll pray for you and your wife and I’ll start taking these things more seriously. I know my husband suffers immensely (and so do I) but this post was a strong reminder for me to take his sufferings seriously and do something about it!

God bless you!! And thank you J for this blog, just discovered it and it’s wonderful, just wonderful…

Praying for you, -J-! It sounds like God is working in your heart and in your marriage. Blessings!

Thank you both so much for your input. I spent much of this weekend thinking about what you have said and the questions that you have asked. I believe that ending my sexual relationship until marriage was the correct decision, however you are right I did not go about this the correct way. I have asked him to forgive me, however I think there is still much to be discussed from his end regarding this.

I have found links to other website on this topic and have done a lot of reading in this area this weekend. I have never thought that not having sex with my husband could be considered sin. This is a big pill for me to swallow. I guess when I read 1 Cor, I see Paul mainly saying you have no self control, hence you desire sex. (I understand how legalistic that sounds.) I love my husband and I want only the best for him. I want to submit to him and serve him and honor God in the process…I just never thought about sex being a part of that process….as silly as that sounds! I also did not understand that sex was the main way in which my husband can express and feel love. I don’t feel love by having sex so this is new for me as well. I just have not made the connection until now. I thought that if I love my husband as I love the Lord and serve my husband as I serve the Lord then that is how I can love my husband. I don’t require physical contact with Christ to love Him and serve Him and adore Him (spiritual marriage) so having to connect with my husband physically as a representation of my spiritual marriage is something that I have never thought about…until now.

I have been praying that the Lord bring healing to my heart as I am sure this issue is my issue and not my husbands. I am asking the Lord to set me free and allow me to feel the passion that I feel for the Lord for my husband and give me the ability to do that through sex. Though I must admit, it feels awkward to pray this, I am stepping out in faith that the Lord will bless my prayer to serve my husband and show him love – his way.

I have bookmarked your page LOL so that I can refer back here as I find your advice candid and veeeerry useful!
-J-

I agree with J’s comments, so I’ll just add a few additional thoughts.

First of all, I am sorry to hear that things are off to a rocky start in your marriage. But I’m glad you are here looking to do something about it.

I will reinforce something J said. I am pretty certain that the problems you face are mostly from the past pain over sex. It sounds from your description that sex was probably broken before and it has only carried on into your marriage. The good news is that God is a redeemer, and He can turn things around.

You say that you were happy to give up sex during your engagement but admit that you were not honest with your man about wanting some “sex free time” that you “selfishly enjoyed.” Instead you used a spiritual excuse to push him away. You say that he still struggles with “your decision.” It sounds as though that needs to be dealt with.

He has told you how unloved all this has made him feel (and I will add probably unattractive, unmanly and frustrated). I believe you when you say you love him and that you are worried, so now it is time to show him that you do love him – his way. I will make a few specific suggestion, which you can take or leave at your discretion.

The first step is to have an honest discussion about why you broke off sex during your engagement and to ask his forgiveness for the pain you caused. Although I agree with your decision, maybe the way you handled it wasn’t the best.

Next I would try to figure out why being “sex-free” was so enjoyable for you. What was wrong with your sex life back then? The answers might give you some information about what is happening today.

Finally, it sounds as if you husband has checked out of his responsibility for your sexual relationship (out of frustration and hurt). Don’t let him get away with statements like “I shouldn’t have to tell you” what I want. Explain to him that you are not a man and don’t know how to meet his needs if he won’t tell you them. I know he feels like if he asks, that you will only be doing it because of that. He is probably thinking that if you desired him you would know what to do. Explain to him that it is not true. Simply say that you want to love him well – his way – but that you need help from him knowing what that looks like.

Tell him you are willing to grow in this area and step out of your comfort zone for the sake of growing in intimacy with him.

Finally, do pray about your sex life. God invented it for our sake and for our pleasure. It is good. He says so. I will be praying along with you and believing for breakthrough for you and your husband.

Thanks for commenting, J. Your “little to no interest in sex” is not uncommon. But it can be addressed.

Your low libido could be related to a number of factors, including hormonal imbalance, painful sexual history, relationship stress, and more. You should check with your primary care doctor and consider whether any emotional factors are involved.

However, you should also know that women are often different when it comes to wanting sex. Most men desire sex before arousal, while most women desire sex after arousal. That means that we gals may not want to have sex when we first start, but can enjoy it very much after becoming aroused.

Moreover, sex begets sex. All too often, we wait around for our sexual desire to show up when it could be that having good sex more often would awaken in us a latent desire.

There’s no need to start sporting sexy lingerie to kick-start your intimacy if that makes you uncomfortable. But I am concerned about your sense that sex is “dirty” somehow. That suggests some past pain or misperception about the gift that sex can be in a marriage.

Since you mentioned your premarital sex and the tension that your withdrawal caused between you two, you may want to address that as well. Remember that God can forgive and refresh any situation. You are in my prayers tonight.

Thanks for commenting, Autumn. These stories are heartbreaking to me too. I desperately desire for marriages to have the blessings of physical intimacy that God intended.

I will offer the hope that I do hear plenty of stories of couples who hung in there over several years and then experienced a reawakening of desire and commitment to sexuality. (In fact, the comment I approved right before yours–in another post–was one.) I pray that you can come back here soon and share one. In the meantime, your heart is in the right place to continue loving your husband. That’s what we’re called to do…even when it’s difficult or when things aren’t quite as fair as they should be.

Best wishes!

So much longing and hurt and frustration around this area. Sex is one of the most important ways we can connect and feel loved in our marriages, so when it isn’t happening, it’s so painful, and it impacts our sense of who we are in the marriage at such a deep level.

I’m also a higher drive wife, like anonymous at 9.33, 24 January. My husband has several health issues which have worsened in the ten years we’ve been married, and make intercourse difficult for him, so it happens very rarely. I’d be over the moon if it was once a month! I miss that physical connection, the one flesh-ness, I only feel during intercourse. To make things worse, he was made redundant four years ago and hasn’t been able to get another job, so I’ve been the income earner. That’s totally messed with his self-worth and sense of being a “good” husband, and I think is the true cause of the lack of sex, not his health issues.

I’ve gone through feeling angry and resentful, railing at God for the unfairness of it, and am now trying to simply appreciate the good kind man I’ve been blessed with. I make sure I tell him how much I value all the things he does for me. I make sure I touch him frequently, from holding hands to a kiss on the top of his head as I walk past him. I haven’t tried to initaiate sex, as I feel that would put too much pressure on him. But I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with no sex either.

LOL, I only just found this blog, and I feel “safe” commenting now, weeks after the original post!

Stephanie
happyafterthewedding.blogspot.com