Monthly Archives: February 2013

How to Give a Hand Job

"Let's Chat" with coffee cup

For many years, I could confidently say that I was a good lover . . . well, except when it came to hand jobs. I was downright flummoxed.

Now I can’t be the only wife who didn’t know how to give her husband a great hand job. But it’s good to have this in your marital intimacy repertoire for those times when intercourse is off limits due to a period or health restrictions or when you just want some nice foreplay.

So how do you give your husband a great hand job? I have since learned a thing or two. Let’s chat.

Lubricant. Don’t even bother trying to give a hand job without lots of lubricant. Rubbing your hand over his penis repeatedly won’t feel good without moisture. You can use a lubricant that is oil-based (like coconut oil), water-based (like Astroglide or KY), or silicone-based (like Wet Platinum). Find one you both like and start the hand job by applying it liberally to your husband’s penis and to your hands. Keep it nearby in case you need more later.

Teasing. Take it slow at first. You can take your time undressing your husband and teasing him with your hands outside his clothes or underwear beforehand. Once he’s bare, there are several ways to drive him a little crazy with gentle touching: You can touch or lick the head of his penis, lightly massage his testicles, or use your fingers to softly stroke his penis.

Body position. A hand job can be given from several positions. Your husband can sit in a chair while you kneel; he can lie down, while you straddle-sit on his thighs; you can sit next to each other and reach over to touch him; you can lie in opposite directions with your head in line with his hips; and so on and so on. If you have difficulty in one position, try another. Your respective heights and body comfort will make some positions more pleasant and conducive to arousal than others.

The view. Speaking of which, you may want to consider the view he’s getting while you’re in that body position. Your husband may respond even more to your touching if he’s getting a pleasing visual as well. Most men are aroused by seeing their wife’s body, in part or full. While you’re giving him the hand job, he may enjoy looking at your breasts, your derrière, or other pretty parts he enjoys. Or perhaps he simply wants to gaze into your eyes. (“How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes are doves.” Song of Songs 1:15.)

Hand positions. There are several different ways to position your hands. You can stroke up and down, up only with two hands alternating, twist your hand or hands back and forth around the shaft. You can use your whole hand, your palms only, your fingers, or pinch your finger and thumb together to form a ring (think of the okay sign).

Like sexual positions, some people have named miscellaneous hand job moves, such as “the corkscrew” or “the pancake.” But all of them are variations of grip, stroke, and area you touch. There isn’t one right hand position for giving a good hand job. As they say, different strokes for different folks. (Now I’ve ruined that saying for all of you, haven’t I?)

Sensitivity. You may be tempted to concentrate on the shaft of the penis, since constantly stroking it can evoke ejaculation. However, the most sensitive part is the head, or glans, of the penis. Be sure to playfully and lovingly touch your husband’s head, paying special attention to the frenulum — which appears like a stretch of taut skin running from the inner head of the penis to the shaft. The corona, or rim of the penis head, is also sensitive to touch. For more information on the anatomy of the penis and other male sex organs, see The Marriage Bed’s Male Genitals article.

Rhythm. When your husband thrusts inside you, there’s a rhythm to it, right? Well, you’ll want to maintain a rhythm to your touching. It doesn’t have to be consistent throughout; in fact, vary a little. You can start slow, increase the pace, slow again, increase, and so forth. Or just move from slower to faster. But don’t stop and start; keep it going.

Climax. Decide how you want to handle ejaculation. Do you two want him to climax with the hand job? Do you want him to penetrate you when he’s close? Do you want to maybe add your mouth to the equation and . . . well, you know? If you want to finish him with the hand job, you’ll likely need to increase the pace and pressure as he comes close. You may also want to surround his penis with your whole hand (or two hands) to provide sensation all around for him. Pay attention to his cues: Is he tensing up, asking for more, making noises that indicate growing pleasure? Adjust your position and tension accordingly.

One more thing about climax: While it’s incredibly enjoyable to most husbands to have their wife fondle and stroke their penis, it’s a little more difficult for some husbands to reach orgasm that way. They may prefer to move to penetration or even to take over some of the rhythm with their own hand. This is not a reflection on how good your hand feels to him. You can talk about your expectations here and decide what’s important to you both.

Communication. The best advice for giving your husband a fabulous hand job, however, should come from…your husband. He knows what feels good to his body. Encourage him to tell you what he likes or guide your hand(s). Let him know that you want to learn. I bet that statement alone — “Honey, will you show me how to give you a fabulous hand job?”– would cause plenty of husbands to come to attention.

Asking your husband how you can please him falls under one of the foundational principles to a truly intimate and enjoyable physical relationship in your marriage. The Bible’s commands are relevant to every area of our lives, including the marital bedroom. So even though it isn’t a scripture that addresses sexuality, consider the attitude we should take toward others from Philippians 2:3-4: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

It’s a gift to your spouse to let go of your selfishness, value his pleasure above your own, and look to his interests. The paradox is that spouses report over and over that their own pleasure increases a hundredfold when they ask how they can serve their mate and then pleasure them accordingly.

So if you haven’t tried giving your husband a hand job, consider it. Would it be in his interest (and thus yours — after all, you are one flesh)? Have you avoided trying it because you don’t know what to do? Could you ask him for a little coaching?

What Detractors Have Taught Me about Resolving Marriage Conflict

Today is supposed to be the day we hear from my hubby, whom I have affectionately called Spock. However, stomach virus hit our household last week, and there wasn’t a lot of sexiness going on in the Hot, Holy & Humorous household. I ask for a little grace in this regard and a week’s extension on that deadline. Spock will be here next Monday.

In the meantime, I’ve decided to run a different post on marriage I’ve been sitting on for a while.

From time to time, I get comments questioning or attacking me and my blog. The first time it happened, I was upset . . . for quite a while. I kept playing over and over in my head what the commenter said and letting it drag me down. I talked to my husband about it until my face turned blue. I worried and wondered if I was really doing my best with this ministry.

Yeah, I’ve gotten over that.

For every detractor, there are maybe ten or more readers who comment that this blog has been helpful and encouraging. Moreover, I am constant in prayer about what I am doing and have ongoing reinforcement and encouragement to continue in this ministry. As I have stated quite a few times, I believe in healthy, godly marriages, and I mostly address one piece of the pie that makes a quality marriage — sexuality. Others address issues such as finances, communication skills, parenting, and how to hang a picture in your house together without either of you losing your religion (link, anyone?).

Over the whole pie, we must place growing our own faith and living out Christianity as individuals before God.

Intro done. Now here’s today’s point: I have learned a lot about how to approach conflict with my spouse from how commenters approach concerns with me. While I welcome conversation and even debate, there is a beneficial way and a destructive way to communicate when you disagree with another person. I’ve learned that what makes good conflict resolution in blog comments makes good conflict resolution in marriage.

Illustrations of angry male and female

Resolving Marriage Conflict
Illustrations from Microsoft Word Clip Art

Here are my take-aways.

Show respect. John Gottman, well-known marriage researcher, talks about the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. These are ways you deal with your spouse that, if overused, signal the coming of the end. Two of them, criticism and contempt, are all too common in marital arguments. It’s easy to feel that you are criticizing your partner’s opinion and merely have contempt for his position, when in fact you are demonstrating a lack of respect for the person. God created your partner in His image as well, and we should treat others with respect. It is the command of the Bible that we treat each other this way as well.

“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:33

“Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king.” 1 Peter 2:17

“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” 1 Peter 3:7

Ask for clarification. A ridiculous number of our marital agreements have occurred because we thought we understood what the other spouse had said. Perhaps we took one phrase and gave it additional meaning, ignoring the rest of what our spouse said. Or maybe they didn’t word things well and it came out all wrong. In my calmer moments, I have been known to look askance at my husband after he says something hurtful and ask, “Do you want to let that stand? Or say something else?” That’s a signal that whatever comment he made did not come across in a positive way.

Spouses should also learn to use phrases like, “What did you mean by . . .?” “It sounds like you’re saying . . .” “How does that match what you said earlier about . . .?” If you think your spouse’s position is wrong or hurtful to you, ask questions. He may not even think what you think he thinks. Was that clear?

“A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.” Proverbs 18:2

“To answer before listening — that is folly and shame.” Proverbs 18:13

Be specific. It does not help to make blanket accusations at your spouse for anything and everything he has ever done to upset you. Avoid statements that include words like “never,” “always,” “constantly,” and “all.” Deal with the specific instance at hand. Explain the facts as you see them, what is bothering you (preferably as an “I” statement, such as “I feel used when you immediately roll over and fall asleep after intercourse”), and how you want to approach a win-win solution. Don’t drag into this moment every other time you have been hurt.

In fact, want the secret to reducing overall conflict in your marriage? Successfully resolve your next argument. Then the next one, then the next one, until you have established a new pattern. I like to think of it like a batter’s turn at home plate. He shouldn’t worry about his entire baseball career while waiting for the pitch; he just tries to get this one right, and then the next one, and then the next, and on and on until he has a pennant and makes the Hall of Fame.

“Please, because you belong to the Lord, settle your disagreement.” Philippians 4:2b

Don’t namecall. Seriously, they teach kindergarten children this. It’s basic. Wanna ruin your marriage? Start calling your wife a “b” or your husband an “a.” It doesn’t nothing to resolve conflict, get your point across, or help your relationship. It merely makes you appear petty and immature.

“Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.” Matthew 5:22

“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Proverbs 12:18

Don’t assume intent or “heart.” You can’t see into their heart anyway. God can. Deal with the statement or behavior itself without trying to read behind it. You may be right with an accusation about their motive, but you may just as well be way off base. At times, our spouse is trying to show us love, but it comes across all wrong. For instance, for years my husband would walk away from arguments, which left me crushed — certain that he didn’t care enough to resolve the issue. WRONG! He walked away because it pained him so much to be in conflict and he wanted to give us both time to cool off. We were eventually able to discuss that what we each needed was different, when we stopped trying to characterize the other as selfish or mean for what they were doing, when it fact it wasn’t.

1 Samuel 16:7 says, “Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

Look for areas of agreement and build from there. There is an interpersonal feedback approach called the “Sandwich Technique.” Essentially, one sandwiches a disagreeing comment or constructive criticism between two comments of encouragement or positive feedback. Simple example: “I love your dress, but your necklace is the wrong color. This color is better because it brings out your beautiful eyes.” I’m not suggesting constant use of this technique because, honestly, it can be overused and becomes very easy to spot the spam in the midst of the bread slices after a while.

However, the principle behind it is wonderful: Look for and point out the positive. Oftentimes, the point of conflict with our spouse is what stands out, like a “which one of these does not belong?” exercise. Yet we may agree about quite a lot, and we need to start there and build agreement. It’s a small thing, but shopping for furniture is the example that comes to my mind in my marriage. Our most recent couch purchase was an exercise in find areas of agreement: There was no way on God’s green earth I was going to agree to that hideous leather monstrosity with its massive cup-and-everything-else holders for every single seat. And there was no way he was agreeing to the cozy chenille sofa that barely had enough room for him to stretch out. But we discovered that the overall goal we both had was comfort. Starting from there, we ended up with a fabric we could both live with, reclining seats, and plenty of room for the two of us to snuggle.

“Finally, all of you, have unity of spirit, sympathy, love for one another, a tender heart, and a humble mind.” 1 Peter 3:8 (NRSV)

Remember that means don’t justify ends. Sometimes in getting the what correct, we forget to pay attention to the how. Yes, truth is important. We are not to be “tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming” (Ephesians 4:14). But we sometimes forget that the next verse says, “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.”

Whether our disagreements with our spouse are big or small, we can become so focused on speaking truth that we forget the next words, “in love.” We are not told to ignore the Fruit of the Spirit or the many, many commands to “love one another” while making sure we get the content of any one issue correct. It matters to God how we treat each other. Just read the New Testament letters and see how much of them are about how we should treat one another.

“Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.” Colossians 3:13-15 (NLT)

Your spouse’s part. Yes, of course, your spouse has responsibility in all of this — just as this marriage blogger has responsibility to listen to those who disagree with me and test what they say against God’s Word. In the face of reasonable and respectful challenge, I have changed what or how I said something here.

Yet, I think you’ll find the process here and with your spouse more pleasant and effective by paying attention to how you go about providing constructive criticism.

“If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise. If you reject discipline, you only harm yourself; but if you listen to correction, you grow in understanding.” Proverbs 15:31-32 (NLT)

“An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with bars.” (Proverbs 18:19)

Hearing from the Hubbies Wrap-Up…and a Tease

Male stick figure

from AIGA [public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

I am so thankful for the men who have written on Hot, Holy & Humorous with what they wished women knew about sexuality. In case you missed any of the guest posts, here’s the full list:

Sexual Desire Differences: What If There’s Nothing Going Wrong? from Corey Allen of Simple Marriage

A Wife’s Insecurities, a Husband’s Response from Justin of Do Not Disturb

Sexual Appetite by the Kentucky Colonel of A Grown Up Marriage

Wives: What Is Your Husband Thinking during Sex? from Gerad Harris of mission:husband

Ten Lies Wives Believe about Sex (and Ten Truths Husbands Want You to Know) from Scott Means of Journey to Surrender

The Beauty of a Woman by Greg Donner

You Would If You Loved Me! from Paul Byerly of The Generous Husband

Quantity vs. Quality: What Do Hubbies Want? from Jay Dee of Sex Within Marriage

What stood out to me about the posts as a whole are that husbands don’t see sex as merely a physical release assisted by their wives. Unfortunately, that’s the picture drawn by many in our culture. The assumption is that since most men crave sex, they are focused on the act itself. Instead, these guest bloggers demonstrate that men crave connection, and that God created them to desire it in the physical context of sex. That isn’t all they want, but in most husbands’ eyes, it’s a big part of what makes them feel intimate with their wives.

I love the conclusion of the book For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhan. Ms. Feldhan surveyed husbands and asked what they wanted their wives to know. The number one answer? “Men want their wives to know how much they love them.” Husbands aren’t always able to express it the way they want to, but most men I hear from desire their wives so very much . . . because they love their wives so very much.

I hope you’ll share in the comments what post stood out to you and why. What did you learn while it was “raining men” on Hot, Holy & Humorous?

And now for the TEASE! I am giddy with delight! The husbands (and one single guy) above have willingly blogged on what they wish women knew about sexuality. Since this was the time for hubbies to speak up, I asked my own husband to add his two cents to the conversation. Convincing him may have involved some cajoling and promises of nudity, but he finally agreed.

So come back next week when “Spock” will speak.

Valentine’s Day for the Rest of Us

Arrow & heart illustration

Two weeks ago, I posted ideas for what to get your hubby for Valentine’s Day, and last week, I tried to help out the hubbies with How to Shop for Lingerie. I have noticed that quite a bit is made of this holiday by married couples and marriage bloggers.

All that said, my husband and I don’t celebrate it much. We might give each other a card or a piece of candy, but that’s about it. My husband is not particularly romantic, and I don’t get particularly excited about holidays.

So what about this day of love and romance for those of us who aren’t quite as moved by it all? Here are some ideas.

Choose a different day to celebrate. If Valentine’s Day strikes you as a contrived holiday conspiracy involving florists, candy makers, and Hallmark, then choose a different day to celebrate your special love with your mate. No one said you must celebrate on February 14 or else! The important thing is to honor your relationship with a little extra oomph.

We did this with my anniversary. My anniversary falls on one of those dates that ended up colliding with other family events and got lost in the shuffle. A few years back, my husband and I started celebrating on a different date that has personal meaning to us. Who cares that it isn’t the official day? It is special to us, and we express our wedding bliss on our chosen date.

Celebrate a different holiday altogether. Paul Byerly of Generous Husband made me aware of the alternative celebration, concocted by men of course, of Steak & BJ Day (March 14, if you’re marking your calendar). But there are plenty of other holidays that are perfectly good times to bring out the romantic or sexy in your marriage. Here are a few suggestions:

January 21 – National Hugging Day. It’s for hugging whomever, but embracing your spouse is particularly nice.

March 16 – Lips Appreciation Day. What would be better on this holiday than to appreciate your mate’s lips and let him appreciate yours?

May 4 – Star Wars Day. I kept this small photo from a Twitter follower of Hot, Holy & Humorous because I absolutely love it! It just says love to me: Your hobby is my hobby. May the 4th be with you!

Yes, I want these.

June 22 – Wife Appreciation Day. Get your hubby to circle this day on the calendar and plan out how he can make you feel especially loved. (If he asks when Husband Appreciation Day is, tell him it was yesterday. Didn’t he notice all the nice stuff you did for him?)

July 14 – National Nude Day. I suggest staying home for this one, but make the most of it!

September 19 – International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Aaarrrghh! Grab your randy cap’n and make lust (that’s Piratese for “make love”).

Dare to be yourselves different. If all the hoopla of chocolate, cards, flowers, sexy lingerie, etc. just isn’t your thing . . . do something different. You and your spouse get to define what is romantic and enjoyable to you. While everyone else is at a restaurant cooing over candlelight, pack a picnic and go on a hike; cue up the DVD player for an Indiana Jones marathon; play a board game with your spouse; have a quickie in the closet. Whatever floats your boat. It’s your celebration, your day to celebrate the joy of having your mate in your life.

Make it fun for the kids. If you are parents, you can make Valentine’s Day a family day. Help your children prepare the valentines that they will give their friends and schoolmates. Bake heart-shaped cookies together, and then distribute and/or eat them. Buy some treats or put together gift baskets to give to the older members of your church or to your neighbors and hand them out together. Tell your kids the story of St. Valentine, a priest who continued to wed couples after the emperor passed a law forbidding marriage ceremonies; it is in his honor that this holiday celebrating romantic love emerged.

Ignore it. At your own peril, of course. My caveat: My husband and I largely ignoring Valentine’s Day is a mutual decision.

If you are married to someone who cares greatly about Valentine’s Day, and you don’t think you should celebrate . . . get over yourself. Stop reading this post and go shopping. Right. Now. If it’s important to your spouse today to receive a reminder of your love, why wouldn’t you do that? It’s a small investment with big returns, and more importantly it’s the principle of the “Golden Rule”: Treat your spouse the way you would want to be treated (see Matthew 7:12).

If you celebrators still need ideas, check out my post on what to get your husband for V-Day, or one of these great posts:

Man Up Monday: Make a Valentine’s Plan from Journey to Surrender

Wives Only Wednesday: Turn This Valentine’s Day Around from Journey to Surrender

Love Coupons (printable) from The Marriage Bed

Giving Gifts that Matter from Do Not Disturb

Valentine’s Day – Do One Thing from Calm Healthy Sexy

A Valentine’s Day He’ll Love from To Love, Honor & Vacuum

Now share how you non-celebrators find a way to express your appreciation for your spouse. What are your alternatives to the standard Valentine’s Day?

Sources: Holidays Calendar; Days of the Year

Quantity vs. Quality: What Do Hubbies Want?

31 Days to Great Sex book coverQuick announcement first: I dropped the ball weeks ago and forgot to announce two winners for Sheila Gregoire’s fabulous book, 31 Days to Great Sex. But the winners are Heather G. and Megan, and Sheila is sending their books. Congratulations, ladies! In the meantime, it’s not too late to get your copy for Valentine’s Day or just because. You can purchase the book for less than a Chick-fil-A meal ($4.99) through my affiliate link by clicking HERE.

I think this post is the second-to-last entry in my It’s Raining Men (hearing from the hubbies) series. Today’s entry is from Jay Dee of Sex within Marriage. I love his honesty about how hubbies feel, paired with his seeking God’s heart for sexuality in marriage.

When J first approached me about writing a post, I had just listened to a podcast called Sexy Marriage Radio, and they posed the following question: Would you be willing to give up half the frequency of sex to double the quality of sex?

I didn’t know the answer to that question for myself. I might be willing to try for a short term though. So, I came up with a plan.

Cut our frequency in half for 2 weeks to see if sex was better. Then, double our frequency to see if it got worse.

I thought it was a solid plan. But, life has a way of setting our plans for us. Over Christmas break, my wife developed an awful cough which turned turned out to be a lung infection. Unfortunately, we didn’t figure that out until a month into it. So, all through the Christmas and New Years season, my wife has been fighting what seems like the worst cold she’s ever had. She couldn’t sleep because she was coughing too much, couldn’t breathe through her nose, wheezing, couldn’t catch her breath, and drinking enough lemon tea to keep a small company in the black.

To sum up: She was exhausted and felt awful.

So, by coincidence, phase 1 of my plan fell into place, but a little more harshly than I would have liked. Our frequency dropped to more like 1/4, or less, of normal instead of the 1/2 I planned/was prepared for, and Phase 2 probably isn’t going to happen for a while. So, while I was hoping to bring empirical data to bear for this question, I’m afraid I cannot. Even so, I have some thoughts, and some experiences to draw on that I’d like to share.

There was a time when I thought that I wanted multiple sexual encounters with my wife every day. That is what I was expecting going into marriage, and wow, was reality a wake-up-call! Those that have visited my blog or know me from The Marriage Bed forums may know that my marriage had a pretty rocky start with no shortage of blame on either side. But a few years ago we took a huge step, worked through a lot of issues, did a lot of communicating, and turned our marriage around. After that, it felt like a new marriage. We finally got the honeymoon phase we had missed when we got married. We actually had sex 9 out of every 10 days for a month. We changed the culture in our marriage for a time. Instead of wondering “are we going to have sex tonight,” we assumed we would. This was amazing for me, but exhausting for my wife whose sex drive still didn’t (and doesn’t) match mine. During our talks, my wife had made a promise that she would never say “no” again when it came to sex. In all honesty, I don’t think I believed her, and so I squeezed every chance I could get out of it, and she didn’t fight me. I think part of me was taking my fill while it was available (thinking it would run out), and part was testing her to see if she meant it. Neither was a very good response from me.

Eventually though, things slowed down. We went down to 4 out of every 5 nights. Why did it slow down? My wife still wasn’t saying no, though later she did tell me she couldn’t have kept that pace up much longer anyway, regardless of any promise she made. I believe it slowed down because sex was becoming, not empty, or cheap, but it was watering down slowly. Now, I’m not saying that a couple can’t have sex every night have amazing experiences and connect intimately with each other. I’m saying that for me, and I’d guess many others, there is a law of diminishing returns when you start pushing frequency to its extreme, in either direction. Let me explain:

If you have an extremely high frequency of sexual encounters (let’s say every day or more for example), for most people, sex will lose its “specialness.”  It won’t be “that thing I only do with my spouse and it helps us to reconnect,” it will be “that thing we do all the time.”

On the other side, if you have an extremely low frequency, let’s say a few times a year or less, sex turns from “that thing I only do with my spouse and it helps us to reconnect” into “that thing we’re supposed to be doing more often, but we don’t, because my spouse is selfish.”

I should point out that I’m talking about long term trends here. If you both decide to take a break from sex for a time (medical reasons, fasting & prayer, birth of a child, physical separation), I don’t think that’s an issue, so long as both agree and it’s not too long of a time. On the other side, if you both agree that you’re going to have sex every night (vacation, birthday gift, anniversary, or just a surprise), I don’t think that’s an issue either, so long as you both agree, and it’s not too long of a time. I won’t say how long is too long, that’s for the couple to find out and decide.

However, I think there are some near universal constants.

On the high-frequency side: If you’re having so much sex that it is causing detriment to your life, your work, or your other relationships, it’s probably too frequent.

On the low-frequency side: As J has mentioned in a previous article, and I agree, a couple should get together (except in extreme circumstances) at least once a week.

She made a good case, and I suggest you read it if you haven’t already.

Go on.

I’ll wait.

Done? OK. I wanted to add one point to it. The rabbis that lived during the New Testament and prior to that were of the mindset that a minimum frequency was once a week. Now, since Paul was a Pharisee, and a Rabbi, he would have had the same thoughts on this topic. So when he wrote his first letter to the Corinthians and the famous passage every Christian marriage blogger knows:

“Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” – 1 Corinthians 7:5

In Paul’s mind, he would assume that his audience would be aware that a week was long enough to go without reconnecting in this way.

So, keeping that all in mind, what’s my answer?

Would I be willing to give up frequency for quality of sex?

Honestly, for myself, no. Why? Because, if I may be so bold: our quality is pretty outstanding from my experience. Is there a difference when we have it less frequently? Yes, unquestionably: Orgasms are stronger, and they happen sooner. But that’s not worth the trade off. I mean, the orgasm is such a small (albeit dramatic) part of the whole experience, and why would I want to shorten sex by that much, I like the buildup, I like the time spent working each other up, and personally, I like longer sessions.

But, if my wife came to me and said “you know, I think I might enjoy sex more if we had it less often,” then, without much delay or disappointment, I’d start discussing what the new frequency would look like, and we’d find something that works for both of us, because this is a marriage. My needs and wants aren’t the only ones that matter, and ultimately, if she is more fulfilled sexually, then I am as well, because I feed off her pleasure, it is what drives me, what really gets me off.

Now, I’ve spent a lot of time reading about sex, writing about sex, and talking to people about sex, and the only thing I can guarantee is that you never find an issue that everyone agrees on. Some people will disagree with me adamantly, some will say that’s exactly how they feel, and if you are a wife reading this, I cannot tell you how your husband will answer. I can only hope I’ve brought up some points that will start a discussion with your spouse, because his answer is the only one you need to concern yourself with. God bless, and have fun figuring out your answer.

This is definitely a good post to start a discussion in your marriage about quality and quantity of sex. Make sure it’s a discussion and not a demand-session, as Jay points out. I really appreciate his approach.

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Jay is passionate about two topics above all others: theology and sexuality. His blog ( seeks to explore the nature of sexuality from theological, scientific, and experiential viewpoints in order to help married couples understand their sexuality within the context of Christian marriage.