and the relationship would indeed be better served with greater frequency.

As someone who has recently experienced this in our renewed marriage of 30 years where sex is an everyday thing in some form or fashion (I’m the wifey from the comments below), I would wholeheartedly agree that more is better for the relationship to thrive. My husband truly feels loved by me because I am so giving in the sex department. I never deny him and it makes me very happy to be available to him any time he wants me. It’s a gift I can give him daily and our relationship has blossomed in an amazing way because of my availability to him. At this point we seem to both be high drive (I was high drive when I was younger and it has come back! Woot!), so that makes it easier, but I had almost no desire not that long ago. It’s true that sex begets sex. Be available and you will get to where you hope he wants it a lot more. If it happened to me it can happen to anyone. My husband is VERY happy in our relationship because of all the intimate moments we have (not just with the sex, but also with talking about our relationship while snuggling) and says so often. He calls me his best friend! That’s what making myself available has wrought in my marriage. It’s a beautiful thing!

P.S. Giving my first initial just to distinguish myself from all the other anonymous commenters.

You ARE on that list with them, J. I’ve learned so much from what you post here! (The wifey)

I would stop short of “as often as the higher spouse desires”–with both sex and communication honestly. Being married to someone who is less conversant, I have learned that sometimes my hubby can ask to postpone a conversation until a time when he can really focus on me and my words. In turn, he’d prefer (okay, we’d both prefer) to make love when we are able to focus on that.

Of course it’s not okay to deny, and I actually tend to agree with the analogy of conversation and sex. I just think all of these things work best with give-and-take. Unfortunately, though, I hear of plenty of marriages where there is way too little give in the sex department, and the relationship would indeed be better served with greater frequency.

Good heavens! Can we just get this Anonymous couple to run this blog for a couple of weeks? LOL. I love their input! Thank you for sharing.

(And yeah, Sheila & Paul are pretty awesome, and I’m honored to be in any list with them.)

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Hi, this is the wifey of Mr. Anonymous. What he didn’t tell you is that we’ve been married for 30 years.

We had a good sex life, originally, but as kids came along and then we got older it just kind of fell by the wayside with sex being a very small part of our lives I’m sorry to say. He was never pushy or demanding and I truly was clueless that he wanted more, mainly because he was so quiet about his wishes. We almost always climaxed together when we did have sex, so it was very satisfying in that respect. But we weren’t as intimate spiritually or emotionally as we could’ve been.

Then, “by chance” through wandering around on Pinterest (praise God for Pinterest!!) I found Sheila Gregoire and her blog and read this post and man! my eyes were opened to how my husband truly feels about sex. I was so thrilled to have discovered this post, as it revolutionized our marriage.

All of a sudden I saw my husband (and men, in general) in a different light. I had always thought that men only cared about sex for getting off. That it didn’t matter to them how we felt except to give them what they wanted – that it was all about them, a selfish desire. I know a lot of women think that. And that may be true for some men, which is probably why a lot of women think that. It’s what they experience. And since men don’t generally feel comfortable talking about these things we women remain otherwise clueless.

I also figured he wasn’t very attracted to me anymore because of how little he initiated sex. We usually only did it after we went to sleep and woke up in the middle of the night (and always making love in the dark). It made me feel like I was only interesting enough when he couldn’t stand to wait any longer. Little did I know….

That post and others in her series, and eventually Sheila’s e-book 31 Days to Great Sex opened up a whole new world to me/us and we are experiencing true intimacy on every level and amazing sex! And with the help of male bloggers like you, Paul, and J on the women’s side we are learning so much good stuff to enhance our relationship. We just purchased Kevin Leman’s book, Sheet Music and are now enjoying it as well. My hubby took his advice on giving me oral sex (a favorite activity of ours) and was able to…well…let’s just say I think I got a glimpse of heaven!

Thank God for all of you Christian sex educators out there bringing this information to us. What a blessing you all are! Truly!

Btw, my husband has been desperately wanting to share how amazing our sex life is now that things have changed, but it’s not something that you can easily work into a conversation! lol So we appreciate this opportunity to let it be known that through God answering our prayers (his that he and I would be in sync, sexually, and mine that I would please my husband), we are experiencing a rebirth that neither of us could’ve ever fathomed. God answers prayers, especially when both spouses are praying for each other.

And Paul, you’re right. We consider whatever we do to/with each other naked to be considered sex. In fact, let me encourage others to try sleeping naked together every night. It’s amazingly erotic and makes for lots more opportunities for intimacy!

It is interesting what “sex” can be, especially if we are not in our 20’s. Sex need not include orgasm for both, or either. It need not include intercourse. Or it can be all of the above.

Yeah, I agree, I’ve been in that “approximately once a month” scenario. There are topics that are appropriate at different stages of your growth as a couple. This topic is not useful for the “once a month” or sexually starving couples. This is too…”advanced” along the path. The discussion for those couples would need to be about giving to each other, about serving, about your body belonging to your spouse.

Likewise, if you have an abusive (emotional or otherwise) relationship, there are discussions that need to happen first, about respect, boundaries, etc.

I know some people will look at this post and thing “he’s insane to even be contemplating something like that!” But remember, we’re all at different places in our marriage. If I had read this 5 years ago, I wouldn’t have gotten past the first couple of paragraphs, because it wouldn’t have been for me. Now, this is some I write! So, perhaps in 2, 5, 10, who-knows-how-many years, this might be something of value for you.

Thanks Grace, glad you like it! Now, I’m afraid I’d argue that “everything in moderation” is not a good piece of advice. There are so many things that are detrimental in little bits, and in fact, using them “in moderation” can lead to “not-so-moderate” behavior.

This teaching (particularly within Christian circles) has always troubled me. There are so many times in the Bible where it is clear that you should 100% abstain from so many things, or the consequences could be dire.

For example: In the Bible, nearly every mention of alcohol comes with a warning that it can control your life, make you a fool, cause you to stumble, etc, etc. But we see very prevalent in the church that alcohol “in moderation” is OK. This has turned into a teaching that getting drunk “in moderation” (once in a while) is OK (which is NEVER condoned in the Bible). I’m waiting (in trepidation) for the day when it becomes ok to be drunk in moderation while in a church service, or while running the nursery, or we start serving alcohol at youth events “in moderation”.

Just my rant about moderation, don’t mind me.