For many years, I could confidently say that I was a good lover . . . well, except when it came to hand jobs. I was downright flummoxed.
Now I can’t be the only wife who didn’t know how to give her husband a great hand job. But it’s good to have this in your marital intimacy repertoire for those times when intercourse is off limits due to a period or health restrictions or when you just want some nice foreplay.
So how do you give your husband a great hand job? I have since learned a thing or two. Let’s chat.
Lubricant. Don’t even bother trying to give a hand job without lots of lubricant. Rubbing your hand over his penis repeatedly won’t feel good without moisture. You can use a lubricant that is oil-based (like coconut oil), water-based (like Astroglide or KY), or silicone-based (like Wet Platinum). Find one you both like and start the hand job by applying it liberally to your husband’s penis and to your hands. Keep it nearby in case you need more later.
Teasing. Take it slow at first. You can take your time undressing your husband and teasing him with your hands outside his clothes or underwear beforehand. Once he’s bare, there are several ways to drive him a little crazy with gentle touching: You can touch or lick the head of his penis, lightly massage his testicles, or use your fingers to softly stroke his penis.
Body position. A hand job can be given from several positions. Your husband can sit in a chair while you kneel; he can lie down, while you straddle-sit on his thighs; you can sit next to each other and reach over to touch him; you can lie in opposite directions with your head in line with his hips; and so on and so on. If you have difficulty in one position, try another. Your respective heights and body comfort will make some positions more pleasant and conducive to arousal than others.
The view. Speaking of which, you may want to consider the view he’s getting while you’re in that body position. Your husband may respond even more to your touching if he’s getting a pleasing visual as well. Most men are aroused by seeing their wife’s body, in part or full. While you’re giving him the hand job, he may enjoy looking at your breasts, your derrière, or other pretty parts he enjoys. Or perhaps he simply wants to gaze into your eyes. (“How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes are doves.” Song of Songs 1:15.)
Hand positions. There are several different ways to position your hands. You can stroke up and down, up only with two hands alternating, twist your hand or hands back and forth around the shaft. You can use your whole hand, your palms only, your fingers, or pinch your finger and thumb together to form a ring (think of the okay sign).
Like sexual positions, some people have named miscellaneous hand job moves, such as “the corkscrew” or “the pancake.” But all of them are variations of grip, stroke, and area you touch. There isn’t one right hand position for giving a good hand job. As they say, different strokes for different folks. (Now I’ve ruined that saying for all of you, haven’t I?)
Sensitivity. You may be tempted to concentrate on the shaft of the penis, since constantly stroking it can evoke ejaculation. However, the most sensitive part is the head, or glans, of the penis. Be sure to playfully and lovingly touch your husband’s head, paying special attention to the frenulum — which appears like a stretch of taut skin running from the inner head of the penis to the shaft. The corona, or rim of the penis head, is also sensitive to touch. For more information on the anatomy of the penis and other male sex organs, see The Marriage Bed’s Male Genitals article.
Rhythm. When your husband thrusts inside you, there’s a rhythm to it, right? Well, you’ll want to maintain a rhythm to your touching. It doesn’t have to be consistent throughout; in fact, vary a little. You can start slow, increase the pace, slow again, increase, and so forth. Or just move from slower to faster. But don’t stop and start; keep it going.
Climax. Decide how you want to handle ejaculation. Do you two want him to climax with the hand job? Do you want him to penetrate you when he’s close? Do you want to maybe add your mouth to the equation and . . . well, you know? If you want to finish him with the hand job, you’ll likely need to increase the pace and pressure as he comes close. You may also want to surround his penis with your whole hand (or two hands) to provide sensation all around for him. Pay attention to his cues: Is he tensing up, asking for more, making noises that indicate growing pleasure? Adjust your position and tension accordingly.
One more thing about climax: While it’s incredibly enjoyable to most husbands to have their wife fondle and stroke their penis, it’s a little more difficult for some husbands to reach orgasm that way. They may prefer to move to penetration or even to take over some of the rhythm with their own hand. This is not a reflection on how good your hand feels to him. You can talk about your expectations here and decide what’s important to you both.
Communication. The best advice for giving your husband a fabulous hand job, however, should come from…your husband. He knows what feels good to his body. Encourage him to tell you what he likes or guide your hand(s). Let him know that you want to learn. I bet that statement alone — “Honey, will you show me how to give you a fabulous hand job?”– would cause plenty of husbands to come to attention.
Asking your husband how you can please him falls under one of the foundational principles to a truly intimate and enjoyable physical relationship in your marriage. The Bible’s commands are relevant to every area of our lives, including the marital bedroom. So even though it isn’t a scripture that addresses sexuality, consider the attitude we should take toward others from Philippians 2:3-4: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
It’s a gift to your spouse to let go of your selfishness, value his pleasure above your own, and look to his interests. The paradox is that spouses report over and over that their own pleasure increases a hundredfold when they ask how they can serve their mate and then pleasure them accordingly.
So if you haven’t tried giving your husband a hand job, consider it. Would it be in his interest (and thus yours — after all, you are one flesh)? Have you avoided trying it because you don’t know what to do? Could you ask him for a little coaching?