Comments on: Just Because He Stopped Asking Doesn’t Mean He Stopped Wanting

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Wed, 28 May 2014 23:48:06 +0000

I was going back through some old links I had bookmarked and came across this again. I can’t believe it has been over a year since I wrote this, and I’m sad to say it’s now been two years since wife and I have been intimate. An entire year of our lives has come and gone, and we remain the same. I’m still depressed, still lonely, still not asking, prayers still unanswered…and yet she seems perfectly happy with the arrangement. But there are cracks around the seams too…her short temper with the kids, her endless complaining, forcing the kids to wait on her hand and foot. Can’t say I’m a picnic either. *sigh*

By: J

Mon, 10 Feb 2014 20:44:49 +0000

In reply to Memyselfandi. Your story is too common. I'm sorry for the pain you've experienced. I wish I could shed light on her reluctance, but I suspect there's some pain buried in her as well. I don't know how you can get her to open up and understand the importance of sexual intimacy in your marriage. I am praying for your wisdom and patience and for her to really hear your heart. In the meantime, we're called to continue in love, through God's grace. Blessings!

By: Memyselfandi

Memyselfandi — Sun, 09 Feb 2014 18:12:32 +0000

Like so many before I so relate to this post. I feel a little different however. I don’t get rejected and my LD wife doses try to accommodate me, but I feel like that is all she does “accomadate”. She never, ever initiates sex and if I never ask again, that’s how long it’ll be until we have sex again. As a Christian, I read 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 over and over and just can’t come to terms with her attitude towards sex. I read in another post somewhere, and I wish I could find it again, that intimacy with our spouses is an act of love and giving of ones self. Isn’t that what we’er supposed to do? I want nothing but the best for my wife and love to please her, both sexually and otherwise. The fact that I have to always ask, which is a feeling of begging for me, often causes me to simply not ask and give up, as the post describes. After bouts of depression, anger, withdrawal, and very low self esteem, I usually give in and force myself to “beg”. Often after she “does her duty” I’ll trick myself into thinking I’ve “turned the corner” only to be slapped in the face with reality again knowing that she doesn’t even care enough about me or our relationship to step out of her box. It isn’t like we’ve not discussed this but it just never seems to get better. I would love for her to read this post and some other articles and posts I’ve read, but when I’ve brought these type of things up in the past I get the “here we go again, what are you reading now” response. I pray all the time for God’s grace on our marriage believing things will get better. As we all know there’s nothing worse than feeling unwanted, or unloved, or unimportant,, or abandoned by our spouses, but at the very, very least we can take solace, no matter how little, that none of us are alone in this struggle. I pray for us all and ask for true healing in all of our marriages. Don’t give up your faith!! Once we do our quest for a better life with those we love is lost. Peace to you all.

By: m

Fri, 10 Jan 2014 21:13:26 +0000

That’s exactly where I’m at and how I feel. More and more I find myself not asking for it because I feel like I’ll just be rejected again. Like usual. And to avoid the fight I know will come along with rejection.
I try, but I don’t know what to do next.

By: Refusal: Just Because He Stopped Asking Doesn’t Mean He Stopped Wanting : Marriage Missions International

Tue, 01 Oct 2013 03:55:40 +0000

[…] • Just Because He Stopped Asking, Doesn’t Mean He Stopped Wanting […]

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Tue, 06 Aug 2013 02:59:05 +0000

Wow....This makes so much sense to me. I'm in the shoes of HD, and as a man...it's horrible. It is quickly coming to the point where I am just going to give up on sex. Just like in the article, I'm sick and tired of having eyes rolled at me, receiving sighs, getting fussed at and being blatantly dismissed by my wife. It is very painful physchologically, emotionally and sometimes even spiritually.

Anyways, I'm glad that I read this and that it can be fixed. She never had a problem with the other guys she has been with. So that makes me feel like triple the failure. I do every romantic jesture that I can muscle out of my brain and still it doesn't work that well to entice her.

Almost feel like this is all a lost cause, honestly.

Little boy complaining, done. ;) I just REALLY needed to get all of that out...

By: J

Sun, 28 Jul 2013 13:28:21 +0000

In reply to Anonymous. Thank you so much for sharing your story here! Blessings to you and your marriage.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Sun, 28 Jul 2013 12:27:43 +0000

I used to be the LD spouse, and often just had sex to appease him. It had dropped to once every week or two, if he was lucky, which was horrifying to him. I was tired of him always thinking of him self, playing on his iPod, ignoring responsibility, and in general making life miserable for the kids and I, and being physical with him was the last thing I wanted.
Gratefully, a blog I read led me to reading “The Surrendered Wife”, and I was in shock. I wasn’t as bad as the author, but SO much of it was exactly how I felt on the inside, and how my husband behaved in response. I am still in the earlier stages of surrendering, but it has transformed the marriage. I now happily engage in sex with him every 2 days or so (and I often initiate it, which he loves; I am also trying to spice it up). In response, his attitude is so much more loving and engaging. I had no idea how controlling and condescending I was, and how large of an impact on my marriage it was.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Mon, 13 May 2013 15:13:21 +0000

In reply to Anonymous. Thank you for your response and your prayers. I probably didn't word it right, but we do have sex occasionally, it isn't a totally sexless marriage. I just meant that if I stopped asking, we would become sexless, as I initiate 100% of the time. I always feel like he is just doing it because he wants me to leave him alone about it and he knows I won't ask for a while if he gives in.

I know this isn't normal. I have tried to ask him about his past, possible sexual abuse or pornography or whatnot, he just says "I can't force wanting to have sex, stop putting pressure on me". I really don't know why he doesn't want me. I am not drop dead gorgeous, but I am not ugly either. I am average.

I wish that I had someone from church to talk to about this, but we are new to this area and I think that it would be very awkward. "Hello, I know that we have only spoken once at the church picnic but can I tell you about how my husband doesn't want to have sex with me?" How pathetic.

Unfortunately, I don't have any close friends here that I can discuss this with. I have a few friends from work but they are the "my husband won't leave me alone" types so I don't think they would understand.

Sorry, I didn't mean to write a novel. Thank you for your prayers and I will continue to read your blog.

By: J

Fri, 10 May 2013 12:30:59 +0000

In reply to Anonymous. Something is clearly going on with your husband. Obviously, I can't say what it is, but this is not typical.

I couldn't tell whether this issue was addressed in couples counseling, but it should be. Treat any counselor like you would a doctor or hairstylist; find another one if the first doesn't work out for you. Also, I hope you have a close Christian friend and/or mentor to support you with compassion, prayer, and encouragement for your marriage. If not, seek that out. Make sure it's someone who will advocate for you and your marriage, not bash your husband.

I am saying a prayer for you as well. You are not alone, but knowing that doesn't take away the pain and longing you have. God put that desire in you and intended for you to satisfy it in marriage.