Despite my willingness to try new things and experiment in the bedroom, I’ve been reluctant to include sex toys in our marital intimacy.
I don’t have a moral or emotional aversion to them. I believe it’s fine to include sex toys in your marital lovemaking as long as it is mutually agreed upon and enjoyed and they don’t become a crutch. So why don’t I use sex toys?
The names. When I look at what these things are called, they don’t invite me to use them. “Nipple clamps”? “Cock ring”? “Penis pump”? “Butt plug”? Even the word “vibrator” isn’t the least bit appealing. I think these products need some serious relabeling. Perhaps the makers of sex toys need to consult the teams who name amusement park rides. Perhaps that vibrator should be renamed the Thunderbolt Express or El Toro. Personally, I suggest “The Pleasurator.”
The stores that sell them. Most of the stores that sell sex toys also sell porn. The most popular sex-products store near me has lingerie, sexual aids, novelty items, and then a back room full of pornography. I would be incredibly uncomfortable doing business with a store that promotes and profits from porn. Thankfully, these days there are Christian retailers online who sell “marital aids” or “intimacy products” for married couples. While I haven’t purchased sex toys from them, I have bought other sexy items through such retailers.
The scary stuff alongside the sexy stuff. Enter the store I mentioned above, and you’ll see a range of products. Sure, there are the racks of lacy nighties, displays of romance and sex coupons, and the wall of vibrators (seriously, a whole wall), but there are also items that remind me less of sex and more of medieval torture. Life is painful enough without introducing pain into the bedroom. Once I see such things, I can’t get them out of my mind. My cringe-radar goes off, and I find it hard to focus on the sexy stuff.
The machinery. Technology is awesome in many ways. I love my car, my cell phone, this laptop, the Internet that allows me to blog, etc. Getting a new gadget can put a smile on my face for a week. But I guess reading science fiction novels and watching The Terminator more times than I can count has also caused me a little trepidation about using machines for everything. Do I really want to invite “the rise of the machines” into my marriage bed? You know, it never ends well in science fiction when the machines take over.
The lack of flesh. One of my favorite things about sex with my husband is the skin-to-skin contact. I confess that I have never liked using condoms for that very reason. So the notion that I’d give up the feeling of my husband’s hand or penis in exchange for a synthetic substance touching me — no matter how “talented” it is — doesn’t appeal to me. Perhaps even more than having an orgasm, I like being touched.
The cost. Okay, I admit it. I’m a cheap date for my husband. He doesn’t have to buy me dinner or bring home flowers or toss jewelry in my direction to get me in bed. (Although if you’re reading this, Spock, dinner out would be lovely.) Sex may be the least expensive and most fun thing we do. For the cost of a small bottle of lubricant, a nightie or two, and a candle, we can create hours and hours of mutual enjoyment. But sex toys cost money. I’ve yet to look at a sex toy and think, “I want that so much that I’m willing to shell out $___ for it.” Maybe I’m still waiting for a marital-aid company to send me free samples . . . you know, given my Christian sex blog and all. But for now, I’d rather use my money on a dinner out . . . or even better, a dinner in.
The contentment. This is the number one reason we don’t use sex toys. We really like our sex life the way it is. My husband and I are able to get aroused, pleasure one another, reach orgasm consistently, and feel satisfied with our sexual encounters. We’re not really feeling the need for more in that area. If I’m going to invest in a toy that would improve our marriage, it would probably be something more like a self-vacuum cleaner or a universal remote — both of which would save us time and allow us more time to make love.
So what are your reasons for using or not using sex toys? Do you think they enhance marital intimacy or detract from it?
See also Is It Playtime? Sex Toys.