Well, no wonder you feel done. Sex has not been a positive factor in your life. Believe me, that’s not what God designed sex to be. His vision is entirely different from your experience, and I’m so sorry that you have been hurt by what He intended to be a blessing for your marriage. I’ve compared this to a baseball bat. If a child grew up with an abusive parent hitting him with a baseball bat, he’d know what a bat was, but he’d never have experienced its true purpose and the joy it can bring when used properly. It isn’t until he stands at home base, a ball crosses the plate, and he sends it sailing through the air with a flick of the bat that he understands. But it would be understandably difficult to even get the kid to pick up the bat and take a swing. After all, from his experience, a baseball bat has only ever brought heartache.

Still, don’t give up on God’s gift. Take a break. Think about where you’ve been and where you want to be regarding sexual intimacy. I suspect you haven’t truly given up anyway, or you wouldn’t be here on my blog and leaving this comment. You likely long for something better, something truer, something beautiful and intimate. And please seek counseling for the molestation and rape. That leaves a painful mark on a child and colors how sex is seen in so many ways. Seek healing. Seek support.

May God heal you. Blessings.

Can we hug and cry now? That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

However, I think the credit goes to YOU for changing your attitude and actions and to GOD for “opening your eyes.” I suspect that after a while, you and your husband will be so happy with your newfound intimaacy, a new norm will be established and the regrets will fade.

There is another issue that is often a part of #2, especially when the wife is the lower drive spouse. There is a common opinion out there that men are “over sexed” and that their sex drive is primarily selfishness. They do not need sex, and most of their want is childish. If a woman buys into this lie, it is easy to see saying no as reasonable, and maybe even see it as right. Of course this is often mostly justification for her selfishness, but I think some women who are not being selfish buy into the lie.

It is also the case, as you pointd out, that the higher drive and the lower drive spouses can change over time and the roles be reversed.