Anonymous…just because a woman files a “no fault” divorce does not mean that she got divorced for frivolous reasons. It often just means that she does not have the money or want to engage in the battle that an “at fault” divorce would entail. For example, my husband is friendly with a man that admits that he did not make love with his wife for several years because he “didn’t feel like it.” He’s morbidly obese, and she is closer to a healthy weight. He also refuses to work a “real job,” but instead bounces from one get-rich-quick scheme to another–my husband and I seriously can not figure out where he gets any money to live on. The wife on the other hand, was working a full time job to support the family. Now she was not an angel in the marriage either…but I think I’ve presented clear evidence that the husband was being unfaithful to his wedding vows. And yet she filed for a no-fault divorce, so you would look down on her for leaving the marriage because she was “unhappy.” Ummm….I don’t think so!

And I do know of women who struggled greatly because of their husband’s porn addictions, which then led to divorce. You may too, and may just not have heard about the porn. I also know women who let romance novels and half naked pictures of men influence them into being unhappy with their husbands, leading to the demise of their marriages. It definitely goes both ways.

And I would advise you that you might not be so “anonymous” as you think you are…you are parrotting quite well the words of a male blogger I’ve read that I do suspect you are his wife.

Hey Anonymous. I’m pretty new to this blog thing too, but wow, that is quite the situation. I’m so sorry that she is doing this. While I’m no scholar or expert, it seems to me that she is plain being selfish. There are a few Biblical reasons to not have sex, but I don’t recall “not listening” as being one of them. And what I can think of is for mutual consent for prayer and fasting. I’ve only fasted a few times in my life, but I know that to fast one must be quite serious about the issue. It’s not for the faint of heart, so it seems as if you are doing everything in your power.

I’m not sure I have any advice for you, other than to say perhaps the steps listed in scripture for an unrepentant sinner. Not listening is NOT a reason to withhold sex. Furthermore, IF she would actually do her wifely duties, it very well might open up the lines of communication to resolve the issue.

As a female, I am so discouraged by all the excuses women have about why they can’t/won’t/shouldn’t have sex with their husband. But with the rare exception, it all comes down to selfishness.

Same here, there are awesome Christian authors out there who write romance.

Same here. There are some great Christian authors who write romance novels.

Why you read Tess of the d’Urberville’s is something only you know, and between you and the Lord. I can’t (nor shouldn’t, nor do I want to) judge you when I simply don’t know your heart and what (if any) sin you may or may not struggle with (Romans 14; and please don’t hear me implying anything–it was just my take on the book).

I can only judge my own motives (1 Corinthians 11:31), and I’ve found I have to be completely honest with myself before the Lord about why I want to watch/read/listen to something. As a personal real-life example: Why do I _really_ want to watch those episodes of Buck Rogers with Princess Ardala? Well, because of what she’s wearing; so I intentionally avoid them. I’ve found that it’s the only way to keep my heart in the right place; otherwise it’s just way too easy to make excuses for things, and I never want to go back there.

I”m no expert but I have a suggestion… ask her to repeat whatever it was that she views as the problem just one more time for you and as she is speaking, write it down/ type is as the screen saver on your computer. Then, keep a notebook handy and ask her to let you know when she has something that she wants you to remember and then whip out your notebook and pen and write it down. Date it. That way you have record of it, can refer back to it, and also, if she doesn’t warn you that it is something she wants you to remember, she can’t blame you.
It sounds like there is a lot more going on than just not remembering (unless you have a severe case of amnesia), but this could at least (maybe) help her see that you are serious and listening to her words (and if you need clarification, her heart). (And personally I would think using an actual pen and paper if you typical are on electronics would signal that you really are serious about this.)
I hope this helps, it is meant in kindness. My husband is not terrible at remembering, but he is not great. He does put things on his calendar though to help him remember (because if he didn’t, he would be terrible. 🙂 )

Megan,
I understand your disagreement, and yes blanket statements are almost always wrongs because there are exceptions…but I will tell you I know of no divorces due to pornography (struggles yes, divorces no) but I know of many divorces because of dissatisfied women (not content, unhappy)…and yes the issue goes deeper than just romance novels but they do play a large part as does most modern entertainment and even church teaching (God wants me to be “happy”).

Debi and Jennifer,

Thank you so much for your responses. I felt kind of funny leaving my comment on this post since it is SO off topic but like I mentioned, I’m new to this blog thing and didn’t know where else to put it so it would be seen.

A little more background. We will be married 29yrs next month and we have two daughters (17 and 6). Didn’t want to rush anything 🙂 I have worked in children’s ministry for 25+ years and was a Childre’s Pastor for several years. I have raised my voice at my wife at times during our talks, primarily out of frustration that she would never (meaning I don’t remember a single time) accept my side/view of the topic as valid. I’m not even saying it was a correct/right view but there was a logic to how I arrived at it. She acts like I’m weird or messed up if I see it that way. I explain to her that when she says something meaning one thing it may mean something TOTALLY different to me. We do not think or process the same. Not only are we not the same person we are male and female. Things also changed after the first daughter was born. It is like she started down another path in life though she is sure it is me that has changed. She has always said our sex life is fine though I beg and plead with her or at least feel that way. I guess it seems like asking a wife (not high desire type) if the sex life is good is kind of like asking the husband if the romance/communication department is doing well.

Again, thanks for your prayers and helpful advice. I am standing for my marriage. Divorce IS NOT an option! I made a vow before God and her and will be true to that covenant. I am believing for VICTORY and that in the years ahead we will walk in such marital bliss that it will be as the Scriptue says…He is able to do EXCEEDING and ABUNDANTLY above all we can ask and THINK. And belive me, I can “think” some pretty good stuff. 😉 Of course these blogs help in that dept. too….

Blessings,