Daily Archives: May 13, 2013

Should You Share Your Sexual Fantasy?

You want to what?!
Pic from THE LADY EVE (1941)

Some of you have them . . . sexual fantasies. Perhaps you’ve heard something, read something, or merely imagined something that arouses your sexual senses and gets your engine humming. In your dream world, you’d do that very thing and it would be mind-blowing pleasure.

Should you share that sexual fantasy with your spouse?

Now I’m all for honesty in marriage, but I don’t think that honesty involves sharing every single thing that crosses your mind. Husbands often figure this out before wives do, when they learn how to answer the question, “Does this make me look fat?” Indeed, the Bible tells us not to lie, but also to be careful what we say and how we say it. “Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble” (Proverbs 21:23 NLT); “Speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people” (Titus 3:2 ESV).

We have a choice whether to volunteer to our mate the sexual thoughts that creep into our minds. So what should be the standard for whether we tell our spouse our sexual fantasy? Here are some things to consider.

Does it involve third persons? Your sexual energy should be focused on your spouse — both in practice and, as much as possible, in thought. Jesus said that looking at a woman lustfully rises the level of adultery (Matthew 5:28).

Of course we notice attractive people in our midst. As many have said before me, “I’m married, not dead.” But dwelling on the appearance of, or our desire for, another person becomes infidelity. We are focusing our sexual energy away from our mate and onto another.

Thus if your sexual fantasy involves a third person, it’s not one you want to share. In fact, it’s a fantasy you should shove out of your mind when it crops up. Come up with another fantasy — one that involves you and your mate exclusively.

Does it violate other commands about sexuality? Obviously, no beasts, right? (Exodus 22:19). But also no injury or degradation. These are not in keeping with the biblical commands for husbands to “love their wives as their own bodies” or for a wife to “respect her husband” (see Ephesians 5:25-33).

Consider whether you’d be asking for something that does not honor your husband and God. If so, it’s not a fantasy you want to share or act out. God is in favor of sexuality, including adventurous activities (read the Song of Songs for confirmation), but even in the bedroom, we should be treating one another with love and care.

Is it based on something you did with someone else? If you were sexually active with someone before, there will be some repeat activities. But comparisons are a no-no, as are efforts to recreate a special memory from a previous sexual relationship. So what if you liked the way that Mr. X did that one little thing eight years ago, and you wish you could do that again? Let it go.

Don’t try to make your spouse be like someone you knew before. Create new memories. Think of how your spouse can delight you in new and meaningful ways. Focus your sexual energy on your here-and-now hubby.

Are you demanding that your mate fulfill your fantasy? You might desire something that’s fine — like an unusual location or a particular sexy outfit or a new sexual activity. However, if you’re expecting to share your fantasy and demand on the spot that he meet it, take a step back. This is your sexual fantasy, not his.

You don’t have a right to demand something outside of his comfort zone and throw a fit if he doesn’t line up with your imagination. Indeed you have a right to expect sexual intimacy (1 Corinthians 7:3-5), but “extra” stuff is up for discussion, not demand. Your attitude, even in the bedroom, should be like that of Christ Jesus: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” (Philippians 2:3).

If you take a loving attitude, and your request is not something sinful, you might find that over time, your spouse comes around and is willing to give it a try. If so, then your fantasy fulfilled will be even better because he’ll be “all in” and excited about the experience as well.

Are you ready to hear his fantasy? If you want him to listen to yours, you have to be willing to listen to his. You might absolutely love whatever idea he throws out, or you might cringe and think, “Holy heart-palpitations, I could never do that!!!”

But it’s only fair that you hear each other out. You don’t have to kowtow to his fantasy, but you also shouldn’t insult him for thinking of it. The idea that — for example — he wants to lay you out on your parents’ kitchen table and make you scream until the ceiling chandelier breaks shouldn’t result in you declaring that you can’t believe he would think that, and how are you supposed to go to Thanksgiving meal with your parents knowing that he wants to do that to you, and how can you ever sit at their table while thinking about how he’d like to move that basted turkey out of the way and baste you with sex juices instead!

You’re not required to do whatever his fantasy is, but listen to it, think what about it might appeal to him, and consider whether it’s something you would be willing to do or to suggest a tweaked version.

Have I shared my sexual fantasy with Spock (Mr. Hot, Holy & Humorous)? After many years of keeping it to myself, I did. In keeping with my advice about the best way to approach sexual issues, I brought up the subject away from our bedroom, while driving home after a good date. I first asked about his sexual fantasy, then shared mine.

I confess that I was nervous. But he was actually very receptive. Spock appreciated that I was thinking about our physical intimacy that way.

So what do you think? Have you shared your sexual fantasy with your spouse? Has your spouse shared one with you? How did that go? What other guidelines would you suggest for whether to share your sexual fantasies with your spouse?