Monday came and went.
It’s a day I usually blog here at Hot, Holy & Humorous. But honestly, there are some days when marriage bloggers and authors feel like we don’t have much to offer. Because things aren’t that amazing at that particular moment in our own marriage.
My husband and I had an argument. No, I’m not going to share the details. Suffice it to say that we completely misunderstood each other and did not give one another the benefit of the doubt.
I wish I could even say that it concluded with immediate apologies, romantic declarations of love, and make-up sex. Sadly, it concluded with eventual apologies, heavy feelings of regret, and make-up sex.
(Okay, fine. I’m nothing if not predictable on that count.)
What I finally had to deal with is that, even though I was 92% right*, I was totally wrong in what I assumed about my husband. I assumed motives for him that simply weren’t there. In fact, his reasons for acting the way he did were in reality very loving.
And I completely missed it.
Pic by Ltshears, via Wikimedia Commons
I see this a lot here with wives who are frustrated with how much their husbands want sex. They assume that it’s because the husband is a horn-dog who can’t go for a half-hour without thinking of how to get aroused and all he wants is a physical release with his wife underneath him.
That’s almost never true.
I can’t say never because there are indeed some jerks out there, but honestly, if it was only arousal and release, your husband could grab a magazine and head into the closet. Instead, he wants you.
Sex isn’t just about the physical for most husbands — and for most wives. Rather, it’s about connection, expression, pleasure, intimacy. It’s about joining with your spouse in a unique way to show unique love that you don’t share with anyone else. It’s about finding solace and sizzle in one anothers’ arms.
But we tend to assume — based on outward signs that we interpret from the perception we’ve built up in our lives. We can’t get inside our spouses’ heads, but we also don’t ask questions. We just assume we know what the deal is.
I also see this with husbands who assume that their wife is a completely selfish and unloving block of ice when it comes to lovemaking and that her lack of interest or arousal is a statement on the relationship.
Maybe, maybe not.
It’s just not enough information. Some women do withhold because they are selfish, yet many women simply haven’t figured out yet how to make sex a sensual and spiritual experience with their husband. Maybe sex hurts. Maybe she has a bad history. Maybe she doesn’t know where her sex drive went and finding it is number 54 on her list of urgent, must-do items. Sure, you’d like it to be number one, but maybe she just doesn’t totally get it.
But we make assumptions. And we end up with crossed communication and hurt feelings and frustration and despair and unmet expectations and a mess bigger than an over-full diaper pail. Yikes!
So talk.
Ask questions.
Don’t assume.
Give the benefit of the doubt.
Approach your problem as a we issue.
Look for the win-win.
That advice would have saved me a few hours of frustration myself. But yeah, I pulled that “when you assume, you make an ___ out of u and me” cliché. What can I say? I’m still in a work in progress. God is still molding me. (Ouch. He pounded the clay pretty hard that time.)
It’s all worked out. “Spock” and J are on great terms now. We’re feeling the love and reveling in the intimacy. But I hope that my hard lesson learned can help someone else today as they think about how their spouse approaches sexuality.
*This statistic may be a vast exaggeration.
I do have a guest post running over at Sheila Gregoire’s To Love, Honor and Vacuum on What Is Real Intimacy? Â Check it out!
We have had riffs, but never had make up sex. DH isa grudge holder and has some poor views on whatGod’s truth about sex in marriage is. I’ve found that working on our friendship helps as we navigate through his issues.
How frustrating! Honestly, we don’t have “make up sex” so much as we just make up and then have sex. (Does that make sense?) I applaud you for working on the friendship, since that really matters a lot in how you approach the marriage and the bedroom together.
J, this is a great post. Just yesterday my husband and I discussed a situation that came up that I needed to share my feelings about, and it was so good to help each other once again understand the other’s motives. So often I’ve misunderstood him and was so glad that we brought everything out into the open. Doing it has especially helped me to trust his intentions toward me to be loving and innocent far more often. He really does love me so much, and has to keep convincing me when I so foolishly assume the worst about him. Bad, me.
“Your husband could grab a magazine and head into the closet” great, truthful line J. As always, thank you for speaking it like it is. You open the eyes of many spouses to the truth of how sexuality should look in a marriage.
J (This was the only way I could find to drop you a line. If you think it is worth publishing, great, if not, well, I was not writing to be published)
I have been lurking around your website for about 3 weeks. I have to say, I am very impressed. I have been married for 26 years to the same woman. In many ways we have a good marriage, both of us committed Christians and that helps, yet in the area of intimacy, well, we have had a few ups, but mostly downs.
I appreciate your site and your point of view. It gives me hope that maybe we can make a change. It is nice to know that there are Christian wives out there who love sex. (I have also been on the ‘The Forgiven Wife’ & ‘Intimacy in Marriage” web site also) Now if only I could get you and my wife to go out for coffee and maybe you could help her change. We have talked and talked about this. I won’t go into what else we have done. I don’t want to bore you.
What I do want do is to thank you for sharing your life, your struggles, and your heart with the rest of us. I truly do appreciate it and I want to thank you. Please keep it up!! Thank you!!
This was so encouraging. Thanks! I hope I can encourage you back, and say that YES, I do hear from couples who experience a sexual awakening, even after many years of marriage. Sometimes I wish I could have coffee with the whole world of withholding Christian wives (let’s chat, ladies!), but since I can’t figure out how to get us all around one table and I don’t drink coffee anyway…
I will continue to do what I do, and I will pray for you and your marriage. Blessings!
“A few ups, but mostly downs” describes the intimacy in my marriage as well. My wife loves your writing, J, but she won’t go check out your website on her own. She is a very good reader, but wants me to read your posts to her instead of reading them herself. I am not sure why, maybe I just need to keep reading it to her.
Miz J, it is indeed good to know that you are a human – not an alien being from planet Zorgulum.
Although, without having seen a picture of you as of yet, I COULD be making an assumption… eek. (What was it I just read about those?)
LOL!
Keep telling it like it is. Lots of us need to hear it!
~Jason
Oh great, now my secret’s out. The Zorgulum Mothership just called and chided me. 😉
It’s hard to believe that it’s always about intimacy when there are so many men at bars every weekend trying to have one night stands. Also, I could go up to almost any single man in public and convince him to sleep with me easily. That doesn’t really jive with wanting intimacy.
I get that. But I’m really talking about married men who have committed to a wife and are trying to sex with her. They want intimacy.
Thanks for your comment!
How do we know they want intimacy? Yes he could masturbate, but he wouldn’t be touching boobs. I am hesitant to believe that married men always want intimacy through sex. I think it’s a line they made up to coerce their wives into bed. Even my husband said its all about the release for men and he doesn’t buy the intimacy thing. How do we know this?
This made me sad: “I think it’s a line they made up to coerce their wives into bed.”
May I say that your husband is not representative of the many husbands I hear from? I base my conclusions regarding men desiring intimacy from the heartfelt messages husbands send me, and the research and resources I’ve read on the subject, and the Bible’s teaching about how God made us to be “one flesh.” I agree that men want the physical release. Absolutely. But I just don’t think that’s the whole kit-and-caboodle. They want something more as well.
Having been married (to the same awesome lady) for almost 26 years now, I used to believe EXACTLY the same way your husband does. I am SO GLAD to have graduated from that thinking. Once he makes the discovery that intimacy (Yes INTIMACY) is so much more than just physical release, his mind will be blown by the multi-faceted experience that God intended to give husbands and wives within the marital-sexual bond. Praying with my wife, communicating with her on a daily basis, being best of friends with her, and exclusively sharing my body with hers (and she with me) all meld together to be so much bigger than just an orgasm. (Wow… I actually think I just unintentionally succeeded in making the ‘O’ seem boring… And it is, when held up in comparison to the package deal!)
Yep, those words were just spoken by a man – one who finally (and GRATEFULLY) has a clue what God intended marital intimacy to be.
And very well said, too, Jason!
Your confession was good to hear, because sometimes leaders, pastors, elders (and bloggers)seem to be supermen who never sin. You had a fight… but reconciled. Human.