Let me share a comment from my last post on The World & Sex…Rowing against the Tide:
Jay Dee of Sex Within Marriage:
Yeah, I’ve had the conversation where the other person goes “…..wait….you mean you’ve only had sex with 1 person? Your whole life?!?”
It’s humorous and sad at the same time.
Usually the next question is “How do you know if you’re good or not?!”
Fact is I don’t. All I know is I’m good for my wife, and that’s all I care.
That question had me shaking my head all day.
I’ve been honest here that my husband was not my first. I’ve had lovers, plural. And I don’t know how someone thinks that having more than one partner means you’re better informed somehow. Are their lovers filling out evaluation forms? With possible responses like, “Best I ever had,” “Rocked my world,” “A good way to pass 15 minutes,” “Faked the orgasm,” and “Will deny we did it if anyone asks”?
Guess what? You know you’re a good lover the same way whether you’ve had multiple partners or did it the way God intended with just one: Your lover responds.
In fact, I’d argue that you’re better able to discern how good you are making love with a single mate, whose opinion really matters to you, time and time again. Because a one-timer can fake it no problem, but it’s harder to fake a lifetime of sexual satisfaction. Not many people can keep that up for thirty-plus years.
(And if you’re doing that, stop it. It’s not fair to your spouse.)
So are you a good lover?
Here are some ways to know:
- Your spouse fondly remembers sexually intimate moments with you.
- Your spouse desires to have sex with you again. (But if they don’t, that may not be a personal statement about your performance, but a low libido issue with them.)
- Your spouse’s body leans into what you’re doing.
- Your spouse asks you to keep doing what you’re doing.
- Your spouse makes what I’ll call “happy noises” — which could be anything from tiny moans to full-on wailing.
- Your spouse tells you that you’re a good lover.
Whether or not you are a terrific lover or not today isn’t the point, though.
Because the beauty of God’s plan for sex in marriage is that you have plenty of opportunity to learn, to grow, to experience a full range of lovemaking. You can ask what your spouse would like to do differently and how you can better pleasure them.
What if you actually looked at your spouse and said, “Is there anything I could do differently in the bedroom that would make sex an even better experience for you?” Or “What do you really like that I do in the bedroom?” Or “How can be a better lover to you?”
You might find that you’re already an A+ lover. Or perhaps your spouse wishes you’d go a little slower or a little faster or a little softer or a little harder. And you can make an adjustment and become an even better lover.
Also, be willing to give your spouse helpful feedback. Helpful feedback is not “No! Not like that.” It’s “a little to the left; yeah, there” and “I love it when you ____” and “I’d like to try ___.”
In a godly marriage, we care a great deal how the experience is for our spouse. It’s not just about me and my sexual arousal and my climax. It’s not even about me being a great lover. It’s about we. How we are good lovers for one another.
And getting better all the time.
Jay Dee is right: “I’m good for my wife, and that’s all I care.”
Just focus on becoming the best lover you can be for your spouse. And then if anyone asks, you can say, “I’m awesome! Unbelievable. Seriously, you wouldn’t believe how good I am.”
“I belong to my beloved,
and his desire is for me.”
Song of Songs 7:10