Comments on: Are You a Good Lover?

By: upwithmarriage

upwithmarriage — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 17:10:15 +0000

This was an awesome post J. Thanks. I always like your vulnerability, it makes it easier on the rest of us. I carry the baggage from several sexual partners and I’m surely not in agreement of this as some say, ‘for experimentation’ but it does give us a different information pool to pull from. It doesn’t matter how ‘great’ someone thinks they are in bed, when you don’t have the history that surrounds the relationship, there’s just no comparison.

By: J

Mon, 10 Jun 2013 02:10:21 +0000

In reply to Anonymous. Well, this comment was just AWESOME. Congrats, you two! So GLAD you're experiencing the difference that commitment, communication, and openness can make when it comes to sexual intimacy. Blessings for many more wonderful years!

(And hands down, no contest, my hubby's my best lover too.)

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Mon, 10 Jun 2013 01:09:45 +0000

In reply to Paul Byerly. When I first entered my marriage, because I was active before my husband, I made this mistake and it caused us a few hitches. I thought he was like "everyone else". Once I figured out he wasn't, our sex life got a whole lot better. :)
Basically, I whole heartedly agree!

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Mon, 10 Jun 2013 01:07:05 +0000

My husband and I started reading this blog BEFORE we got married earlier this year (other comments from a anonymous saying I got married in February, yeah, that’s me…:) and we were JUST talking about this TODAY! I was intimate with other men before my husband and while I try not to compare him to other men, basically the comparison comes out like this, “THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER, YOU ARE THE BEST LOVER I HAVE EVER HAD.” And it’s the truth. Sex within marriage (And we did wait for one another) is SO MUCH better, because 1. he truly cares about me, 2. I always wake up next to him, and 3. We can’t hide from one another. He knows when I’m faking it and I know when he really needs a break (I have a higher sex drive most of the time).
With my husband, I never worry that I’m not pleasing him or that he’ll leave me if I don’t do something right, and I never ever want ANYONE else EVER because I’ll be honest, he’s just that good. 🙂
And COMMUNICATING with one another is an amazing thing. We are just honest with one another. Some nights we’re both just to tired for sex, and so we shnuggle and go to sleep. And going into our marriage KNOWING that we have to TALK and be HONEST about sex has helped up a lot. 🙂
Love this post and I can’t wait to read more and respond more too!

By: The McGregor Clan

The McGregor Clan — Sun, 09 Jun 2013 12:27:01 +0000

Love this! My husband and I were both virgins when we married. We have been subjected to interesting comments from others if it gets brought up. I am grateful that there is nothing to be compared to. I am hoping our children will be raised and believe what we tell them about virginity and Godly sexual relations, not what the world says.

J, your blog has helped us in many ways. We had 'great' sex the first 8 years. Then infertility became a huge issue and sex changed. Unfortunately, we had a child pass away and it all got worse. His death and other circumstances took our marriage to a very sad and lonely place. God, marriage counseling, and not giving up is what took us to an even better marriage than we had before Thomas passed away.

Your blog has put fresh perspective on sex for this family. We celebrate 12 years on June 30. Thank you for your ministry.

By: desiringdiscipline

desiringdiscipline — Sun, 09 Jun 2013 01:22:55 +0000

I do think the hardest thing of all when you come to a marriage with “experience” (and many of us do, Christians or not), is trying to lose the image of past lovers. Each lover had something good and probably something not so good. However as the years make memories fuzzy, we tend to recall the really good stuff and the bad stuff fades. Still, those images are indelibly and powerfully burned into our brains and it is nearly impossible to lose them. Then our expectations for our spouse get unrealistic. The biggest impediment in the first 20 years of our marriage in the bedroom is that we never focused on making sex “ours,” we never talked about what it should look like. We had preconceived notions of those snippets of good experiences melded together into one super-human lover. In my case, I was trying to “re-virginize,” i.e. come to my husband with no expectations but praying that we would find our path together for making love. This included my mistaken notion that I should follow his lead and not ask for what was specifically pleasing to me. We grew stale fast, each of us expecting the other to be the mind reader, not wanting to hurt feeling by being exact about our needs for fear of exposing our past experiences. However, it was difficult accepting that my husband seemed clueless about the female anatomy, foreplay and ways to arouse me. I took it as disinterest or selfishness on his part. He sensed my disappointment over no sexual fulfillment with him so our enounters grew quicker and quicker and less and less satisfying for me, and less frequent. We danced this awkward dance for nearly 2 decades, and grew apart sexually and emotionally. I became an emotional eater, gained unhealthy weight and became very depressed.

My blog details the journey we’ve taken in the past year to reclaim our marriage, right on the cusp of finding ourselves with an empty nest and potentially “free” to give up on and leave the marriage. A miracle happened. So I encourage everyone to pray and hang in there. There would be plenty of people thinking that a couple who was in their 50s wouldn’t have much of a chance to fix things… but it’s happening, Praise God! The marriage bed is such a very important glue in a relationship between a man and wife.

By: James B

James B — Fri, 07 Jun 2013 18:14:00 +0000

I believe that, for the most part, "sexual compatibility" is really just relationship compatibility applied to the bedroom.

If you both are good at expressing your needs and meeting each others needs outside the bedroom, that carries over into the bedroom. If you are selfish or critical or overly passive outside the bedroom, that will carry over as well.

Yes, good sex is much more about the relationship more than the skill. (Of course, in a good relationshp, you'll WANT to have the skills to please your spouse!)

By: J

Fri, 07 Jun 2013 14:34:42 +0000

In reply to Elizabeth@Warrior Wives. Wonderful point, Elizabeth. Your sex life changes over the course of a marriage--either getting worse or better. I believe it's the covenant attitude in a godly marriage that can ensure it's ever better.

(Yes, yes, short of unavoidable life circumstances and physical challenges; however, in that case other forms of intimacy can fill the gap for a time.)

By: J

Fri, 07 Jun 2013 14:32:44 +0000

In reply to Anonymous. Yes, indeed. You don't get good at anything you do just four times a year. It's one of the reasons I recommend sex AT LEAST once a week to married couples.

By: J

Fri, 07 Jun 2013 14:31:53 +0000

In reply to Paul Byerly. This is brilliant! In fact, now I wish I'd said it in my post. LOL.

So aptly stated, Paul.