Monthly Archives: July 2013

Most Embarrassing Moments during Sex

So what’s the most embarrassing moment you’ve had during a sexual encounter with your spouse? Here are a few that many married couples will experience at one time or another.

The clothes won’t come off. Did anyone else watch “Happy Days”? I remember Richie Cunningham being worried about how to unhook a bra. (Thankfully, it was a family comedy, and to my knowledge he was too good a guy to actually do that.) But as his best friend “Potsie” proclaimed, “You don’t just say ‘open sesame,’ and it unhooks!”

It can be awkward trying to remove clothing: He goes for the bra hook in the back, and it’s actually in the front. His boxers gets stuck in the zipper, and you can’t get the pants off. He pulls your shirt over your head, and your earring catches (“Ow! Stop!”). In the passionate rush to get naked, the last thing you expect is a wardrobe malfunction. It’s like driving down the highway at 65 mph and suddenly hitting a parking-lot-style traffic jam.

Just pause and deal with the issue at hand. No one has ever been entirely unable to remove clothing and had to walk around with his boxers stuck in his pants zipper for days. You’ll get it worked out, and then the fun can continue.

You wore those panties today. You know the ones. That pair of underwear that sits in the back of your undies drawer and comes out only on days when you’re feeling crampy or forgot to do laundry . . . or you just felt like being lazy and super-comfortable. Suddenly, he proposes a little recreational activity, and you’re game. Why not? Until . . .

Oh no! You realize a little too late that you’re wearing those panties — the ones that remind him of his frumpy and grumpy grandmother with that one blackened tooth. Hardly the image you want him to have for your lovemaking moment.

You can ignore it and see if he even notices (He might not if he’s focused on getting those panties off you). You can brush it off with a joke: “Hey, you said I looked sexy in anything I wore. Just testing that theory.” Or you can excuse yourself briefly before he catches sight of the granny panties: “Hold that thought. I’ll be right back.” Then you can return and let him discover you not wearing undies (always a hit).

Fumbling, stumbling, and tumbling. I’m putting all of these in one category, because it’s essentially about physical awkwardness and possible injury as a result. Examples? He lies on top to kiss you and yanks your hair. You trip on your way to the bed. You reach over to stroke him . . . and rack his balls. He starts to thrust and your head begins to whack the headboard. You fall off the bed.

When you imagine the perfect sex, just remember that movie sex is choreographed. Real sex is two independent people joining their bodies together in intimacy and pleasure. Sometimes it looks like a contest-winning ballroom dance . . . and sometimes it looks like your first attempt to do the Macarena (“Where do my hands go?”).

If you injure your partner, apologize, readjust, and move on. Be willing to laugh at the ridiculousness of the moment, because this is just one more memory that the two of you alone will share and smile about later. And ladies, be gentle with his testicles. From what I can tell, it’s like being shocked in the nether regions when a husband gets racked during sex.

Gaseous moments. Has one of you ever farted in your bed? No? (Oh, that was from the couple married just one week. Just wait, newlyweds, it will eventually happen.)

“Hey, I think I’ll eat a pot of beans and fart right as we’re beginning sex tonight!” said no one ever. If your beloved farts before, during, or after a sexual encounter, it wasn’t intentional. They couldn’t help it. Your response may depend on whether it’s a flatulence noise, sound + stink, or what my husband calls an SBD (silent but deadly). But whether you stay put or create a little distance until things settle down, try not to act like it’s a huge deal or like your husband just couldn’t wait to drop that bomb in the bedroom. And if you did the farting, smile and say “oops,” then move on. Of course, you could also do what I’ve done: Blame the cat.

Another gas-related moment is the queef. What is a “queef”? A queef is a vaginal fart. It’s not uncommon for sexual thrusting to plug up some air into the vaginal passage that then gets released in a farting noise . . . right from the ol’ hooha.

When this happens, what’s a proper lady to say? (Really. I have no idea what a proper lady would say.)

Most men are aware that this happens, and that it isn’t the same as a stink-bomb from the other place. It can be a tiny sound or a rather big one, but either way it’s your body’s natural way of expelling extra air. It shouldn’t change anything you do sexually. Just think of it like sound effects. Laugh a little and keep going.

Somebody walks in. That “somebody” can be your child, your house guest, your parent, your in-law — anyone who’s in the same location with you and can work a door knob. It’s likely the most embarrassing moment of all, because it’s no longer just between you and the hubster. Your private moment has been invaded! (Let’s hope they at least didn’t see those panties.)

How does this happen when you’re very careful? I’ve heard of couples who locked the door, but the door didn’t shut all the way, so it didn’t take. Others are in locations where locking the door isn’t an option. Perhaps they were supposed to be alone all night, but their kid unexpectedly stopped by to grab something he forgot. Maybe the in-laws came for a surprise visit. (“Surprise!…Oh. My.”). Also, I have one child who could pick a basic lock at age three. You never know what could happen.

If it’s a young child and you can gloss over the moment easily, go ahead. They do not need to be privy to your sexual life. They will eventually figure out that Mom and Dad play a different version of Twister, but they don’t need the details . . . especially at a young age.

If the young child sees quite a bit, you may need to explain in simple terms, like “Mom and Dad are having special married couple time” or “Sometimes mommies and daddies like to get naked and touch. God made that a special thing for marriage.” Use your own words and gauge what information is right for your child. But don’t feel compelled to make this an hour-long birds-and-bees talk just because they saw their parents having sex.

But if it’s an older kid, teenager, or adult, and they could tell what was happening (no matter what stage you were at), they don’t need explanations. They knew what was happening and now want to bleach their brains (the teenagers, twice). Send them out and/or cover up quickly, then trade apologies — them for barging in, you perhaps for not barring their entrance. Suggest ways to avoid something like that happening in the future. And if it takes a while before you can make eye contact with them, yeah, that’s understandable. It is rather embarrassing.

But all of these embarrassing moments can be survived. In fact, these moments can become the stories you tell each other that get you laughing. Eventually, you can compile The Varied Adventures of Marital Sex. (Hey, I’m already on Volume 2 in my marriage.)

So what’s been your most embarrassing moment during sex? What other embarrassing things can happen while making love with your spouse?

The Bad Plan of Bartering for Sex

It’s beyond common. I hear it all the time. Wives saying that they got their husband to perform some task by promising sex in return. I’ve often joked that I can’t get my husband to do anything that way. He knows I can’t hold out long enough to use sex as a bartering chip.

But sex shouldn’t even be a bartering chip.

Here are the problems I see with bartering for sex in marriage:

You scratch my back…
By en:User:Archos, via Wikimedia Commons

It’s a selfish version of sexual intimacy. It’s a you-scratch-my-back (or whatever), I’ll-scratch-yours mentality. You are focused on what you can get out of the sexual experience, not what you can give your spouse or what you two can experience together.

It puts one of you in control. If you are the one who surrenders sex when you get some non-sexual favor from your spouse, you become the person in control of your marital intimacy. You hold the keys to whether the door to sex is locked or unlocked. Your spouse must comply with your requirements before you let him in. Yes, an imbalance of control can occur without bartering. But it definitely happens when you barter for sex.

It downplays your own enjoyment of sex. There have been numerous psychological studies on how reward-punishment systems work for other tasks. For instance, there’s an ongoing debate on whether paying kids for good grades is a long-term positive or a very, very bad idea. But one of the conclusions regularly drawn is that when you attach payment to a task, it conveys that the task is not one a person would happily perform without payment. That is, it can make the task itself seem somehow unpleasant.

If you attach sex in your mind to being payment for some other task, you downplay your own desire and enjoyment of sexual intimacy for its own sake. Your end becomes the other task, with sex as the method for achieving that . . . rather than seeing the sexual encounter as an end to itself, an experience worth pursuing and savoring with your spouse.

It communicates to your spouse that you don’t want sex. If you only want to engage in sex when he knocks off your honey-do list, then your hubby figures that you don’t like sex with him nearly so much you like home improvement or whatever. But he wants to know that you desire him, that you want to be intimate with him, that you are happy to be in his arms enjoying his love. Over and over, I hear from husbands who say that sex is 100 times better when they know their wife is enjoying the experience.

So what if you have been bartering for sex in your marriage? How can you change that dynamic?

Do things for their own sake. Don’t expect rewards from your spouse for anything from doing the dishes to remaking the garage into a hobby room. Do it because it’s the generous thing to do and demonstrates love for your spouse.

Communicate your sexual desire. If a spouse has been doing the tit-for-tat, he/she may not be talking honestly about where sex fits into his/her view of the relationship. Openly discuss how you want physical intimacy to be a part of your relationship regardless of how many to-dos get crossed off the list. In fact, sometimes it would be nice to throw the list aside for a bit, let the unnecessary tasks slide, and focus on the necessary joining of your flesh.

Prioritize. Because, really, in the end who cares if your pantry goods have been properly alphabetized or you vacuumed twice instead of once a week? But you will care if your marriage falls apart because you didn’t focus on the important stuff. Consider which expectations you can let go and how you can foster relational intimacy.

Work together. Some things really do need to get done. If possible, work together. Make it a “we” time. Even better, make it a really fun “we” time. Cook dinner together . . . and feed each other as you go. Paint the room together . . . then paint each others’ bodies. Do the dishes together . . . naked.

Of course, there are some chores that you should each handle. For instance, I learned long ago that my husband hangs the pictures. If we had tried to hang each picture on these walls together, I would have divorced killed lost my patience because he is far more meticulous than I with those things. No worries. He does the pictures, I do other things.

Barter chores, not sex. If you don’t work together well on a task, barter chores, not chore + sex. For the majority of my marriage, we’ve had an I-cook-you-clean policy. You can look at that as a division of labor or a bartering arrangement (he gets a meal, I get a bye from doing dishes). But that’s a far more even trade and allows you to act within areas that suit your personality and skills.

Meanwhile, both of you should have the personality and skills to make love with each other.

What about the typical advice that husbands doing chores will get them more sex?

I agree with that actually, but not because it’s a bartering arrangement. Heaven forbid!

I just know that many wives have a very long list of household chores they need to get done, and if they are juggling child-rearing with them, and even add a part-time or full-time job (oh my!), they don’t have a lot of energy left for sex. And since one of the main reasons women say no is fatigue, then whatever a husband does to alleviate that burden makes it more likely that his wife will be up for sex.

Plus, when my husband notices something that needs doing and does it, that unselfish act on his part demonstrates love for me and fosters my admiration for him. All those gushy feelings mean that he looks even more attractive to me as a whole package deal when he comes a-courtin’ for sex later.

But don’t do a task to get sex. Do a task to show and foster your love for your spouse. Have sex to show and foster love for your spouse.

“[Love] is not self-seeking.” 1 Corinthians 13:5

14 Stand-Out Marriage Posts from Last Week

Last week instead of pounding out blog posts and story chapters from my cozy home office, I was at church youth camp. My WiFi connection was spotty, which is why I didn’t get onto my blog, Twitter, and Facebook as much as I would like.

But when I returned, I had 142 blog posts in my feed reader. Wow.

So rather than spending all day long retweeting posts, I decided to provide a run-down here of the marriage and sexuality posts from last week (which I finally read today) that really stood out to me. Click away to the ones that interest you!

Recharging Your Date Nights from The Romantic Vineyard. Some excellent questions to ask about where your priorities are with date nights in your marriage.

Is Physical Affection Your Relationship’s Biggest Strength? from Preengaged. Specifically for dating and engaged couples, this post is still a good reminder that spouses should foster friendship as well.

To the Hurting Wife from Unbroken Woman. An inspirational lesson for wives from Jacob’s wife Leah — one I’d never heard.

Choosing Joy: Dealing with Baby Fever by Unveiled Wife. A very real issue for many wives, addressed in a biblical way.

Reading and Sex from Pearl’s Oyster Bed. Could reading about godly sex get your libido going?

Husbands: Ten Ways to Show Your Wife You Love Her from Mission:Husband. Just love this list from Gerad.

Can You Hear Me Now? from Generous Husband. The gender differences in communication, with a funny example (to which I relate).

Did God Make Women to Want Sex…A Lot? from Generous Husband. How female libido shows variations according to culture.

Take It Seriously from Generous Wife. “Fight for your marriage.” Why it matters.

How to Turn Him On & Get Naked from Intentionally Yours. Amen, Beverly! How to demonstrate love to your husband. (Oh, and I love her sense of humor.)

Tired of Him Wanting Sex? Consider This . . . from Intimacy in Marriage. Wise and practical advice for dealing with the mismatch in sex drives.

The Eyes Have It! from Journey to Surrender. Interesting! I never thought about how much we communicate with just our eyes.

Can Marriages Survive Infidelity? from Marriage Gems. A wonderful (and brief) interview with the author of The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity.

And if you didn’t catch it, I recently guest posted: 5-Star Sex from Pearl’s Oyster Bed. How married sex isn’t like the movies . . . but it can be five-star!

That’s it! I scanned all 142 posts and narrowed down to about 10% I wanted to share here. Did you read anything fabulous last week?

A Little Marriage Humor from Jeff Foxworthy

Summer schedule can get a little crazy, and today I’m out-of-pocket with a local ministry task. While I’m out, please enjoy a little marriage humor from Jeff Foxworthy:

This video is from Married People Media, who offer marriage resources for churches.

How You Can Pray for Marriage Bloggers

Typing on keyboard

Last week, I heard from marriage bloggers who had their site hacked and taken down, received suggestive emails from a creepy follower, got personally attacked for word choice, sifted through loads of spam, and more.

Yep, it’s a typical week.

I love what I do here, and the marriage bloggers I know are also passionate about reaching out and ministering to couples in any way they can. But yeah, there are moments when it feels like we’re at an archery range with apples on our heads, and I ask myself, What did I sign up for?!!

So today I want to suggest ways you can pray for marriage bloggers.

Pray for their message. “Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.” 2 Timothy 2:15

We need prayers to correctly handle the word of truth. It does no good to have a marriage blog that shoots out terrible advice like poorly-aimed buckshot. Maybe one shot hits a target, but we can do a lot of damage if we mess up the message.

The best marriage bloggers are constantly studying the Word of God, sifting through information and wisdom from others, considering what they say and how they say it, and clarifying if misunderstanding occurs. We want to be faithful in speaking God’s truth. Pray that we do it well.

Pray for their courage. “…enable your servants to speak your word with great boldness.” Acts 4:29

Being advocates for godly marriage oftentimes puts you at odds with people in the world. “Wait for sex until marriage,” “Don’t use porn,” “Submit to your husband,” — these and other messages are not ways to get invited to sit at the Cool Table of Life.

It takes a certain amount of boldness to speak up for what the Word of God says about relationships and marriage, because there are plenty of people who want to say you’re stupid, narrow-minded, misguided, or whatever. (In all fairness, I think that about plenty of secular sex bloggers, although I avoid personal attacks.)

But please pray for godly marriage bloggers to continue to speak with boldness about God’s heart for marriage. The Cool Table is overrated, and we’d rather be in the Book of Life.

Pray for their technology. “They were all trying to frighten us, thinking, ‘Their hands will get too weak for the work, and it will not be completed.’ But I prayed, “Now strengthen my hands.” Nehemiah 6:9

Of course there isn’t a Bible verse about using the Internet for ministry. However, the story of Nehemiah and his fellow Jews rebuilding the wall of Jerusalem seems appropriate. You see, those against the rebuilding of the wall did everything they could think of to frustrate Nehemiah and the workers. Sometimes, naysayers of marriage ministry can frustrate our efforts to get the message out by messing with the tools we use.

Recently, Sheila Wray Gregoire had a hacker repeatedly take down her website because he didn’t like what she said about porn. (He was identified and reported to the police.) I easily delete 10 or more spam messages every day, many of them giving links to porn sites (and yes, male enhancement *eye roll*). Other bloggers cull through phony email messages to find the couples really needing their help.

To continue with our message — and for me currently, my anonymity — marriage bloggers may pay for websites, security services, file retrieval, and tech support. Additionally, we spend time dealing with miscellaneous technology issues. A prayer that these tools will hold would be much welcome.

Pray for their readers. “And pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains.” Colossians 4:3

Sometimes a reader ends up on my blog and says something like, “This is just what I needed to hear!” I’ve had that same experience with posts from other bloggers. I vividly remember opening an Unveiled Wife Prayer of the Day one time and thinking, “Oh my, was Jennifer in my house watching us?” It was just the prayer I needed at just the right time.

Please pray that God opens the right doors and sends the readers that need to hear our message, and that their hearts will be open to receive whatever sliver of wisdom or hope we can offer in God’s name.

Pray for their marriages. “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Mark 10:9

Reading this blog, you all think I have the Best. Sex. Life. Ever. Right?

Hey, I’d rate my marital intimacy very high, but it’s not perfect. (For one thing, I’ve yet to master that one sexual position where I have to twist . . .  Just kidding.)

Like all other marriages, marriage bloggers must cultivate a quality relationship with communication, time together, patience and understanding, focused priorities, and sexual intimacy. It’s easy, in fact, for people in ministry to neglect their own marriage — to take their own relationships for granted and to focus their efforts on working for some larger cause. Bad idea.

Please pray for the marriages of those involved in marriage ministry. We need to feel like it’s okay to ignore our emails for a few days, pass up an offer to speak, or skip a blog post if we need that time instead to be with our spouse and our family. “And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?” (Matthew 16:26a). Likewise, what benefit is there to helping other marriages if it costs us our own?

Just pray that we continue in strengthening our own marriages so that we can continue to speak boldly for godly marriage.

Thanks so much for your encouragement and prayers. Can you think of other ways to pray for marriage bloggers or ministers?