K, you misunderstood my post as a complaint about my wife. Far from it. My wife is a very willing sex partner and I love her dearly. Also, to answer your question, I have taught many, many Sunday School classes in which I encourage husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. It is a constant topic in my church. I’m sorry you don’t feel that from your husband and I have just now lifted a “flash” prayer for you both. My only point was that it has been my perception (perhaps unjustified) that there are many people (notice I’m not specifying gender because that’s not important) who are unwilling to consider that their sexual disinterest is *not* God’s design. It is easy to consider yourself more spiritual because you are less interested in sex, so while one’s spouse (male or female) is struggling with guilt over having too strong of an interest in sex, the other more “spiritual” spouse is blind to their own sin in sexual disinterest.

I heard, somewhere (and I cannot remember where I read it) that men’s testosterone is highest upon waking up in the morning. But remember nodding to myself, “ahhh, that explains it.”

Thanks for the reminder J, that, sometimes it’s just not about ‘us.’

Is this the same Anonymous I replied to before? You are right that one sin does not justify another. However, maybe you do not “KNOW” or cannot understand your wife’s sexual disinterest or aren’t interested in her or your relationship enough to try to find out. For me, I AM interested in having a complete relationship, including regular sex (not just when HE wants it)but for 30+ years my husband either cannot understand my need for something other than being continually ignored until he’s ‘ready to go’ or else he just doesn’t care. Believe me, I’ve ‘explained’ until I want to scream, given in until I feel like a used whore, gladly participated, etc. Nothing changes his behavior towards me for more than a day or two. So, while there will be those who seek and find forgiveness at church next Sunday for their porn use, where is the Church speaking up and calling husbands to conviction for not truly loving their wives which, by the way, is a lot more than a three-word phrase and which is a command. (I am not accusing you of this. I do not know your situation.)I am first a person, then a woman but, either way I want to be acknowledged for the whole person I am, not just my husband’s ‘only legitimate sexual outlet.’ That’s demeaning and especially damaging over the long haul. I realize a husband may have sexual needs. I am willing to meet those needs but not at the expense of my mental or physical well-being if my husband refuses to look at any of his own stuff, ever. No exaggeration. Maybe you should pray for your wife that God opens her eyes to her issues on this subject and helps her safely address them, whatever they may be, and for Him to soften your heart toward your wife, to be a safe place for her to look at herself and hopefully grow and change. Growing and maturing are hard and harder still when you feel like someone’s constantly looking over your shoulder being your judge.

Agree completely with this statement!

I honestly don’t want to start a sex war, but at some point in time, I think we in the Church need to recognize that one partner’s continuous sexual disinterest is just as much outside God’s will as the other partner’s pursuit of pornography. Obviously, neither sin justifies the other. But think of it this way. Next Sunday at church, there will be some poor soul wracked with guilt over his/her viewing of porn earlier in the week. S/He will seek forgiveness and find it. But, how many others will joyfully sing hymns to the Lord all the while they continue to express sexual disinterest in their spouse without feeling a stitch of conviction?

That is great that you make a commitment to connect each night. You should consider waking him up on those nights you can’t sleep. I know that is an awesome surprise when my wife does that to me. That is really energizing and a stress reliever!!

As a stressed husband, I find that I prefer a.m. sex, in part because I am more easily aroused when I’m rested. The testosterone seems stronger in morning anyway. Morning love-making makes everything better. In the evening after a hard day, I would prefer more nonsexual touch, perhaps in the form of a footrub or other body part massage. Of course, after some nonsexual de-stressing, I would quickly enjoy a more sexual touch.

I once honestly told my wife that I received more emotional fulfillment from her orgasm than I did my own. She laughed at me. Ladies, don’t fall into the trap of thinking that your husband’s release is all he needs for sexual fulfillment. A man measures himself by what he can do, and that includes sex. If sex is nothing more than a weekly handjob for him, then he’ll still feel like a sexual failure…and then a failure in all other areas of life.

We husbands (typically) love any kind of sexual attention, even if it isn’t finished. Even a more deliberate goodbye kiss in the morning is all it takes for us to feel great all day. Anything you gals do to let us know you think of us sexually is important to helping us slay the dragons.

If your marriage wasn’t consummated for 15 months you should be concerned that perhaps your wife has sexual abuse in her past. A couple of years ago I found out my mom was molested repeatedly over a period of 2-3 years as a child but did not remember it at all until my parents had been married almost 30 years (lest you don’t believe this could happen, when she finally talked about it with her sisters, the same thing had happened to two more of them, who confirmed the same person, an older brother, sexually abused all of them). My parent’s marriage was not consummated for nearly a year. I would venture a guess this may be your wife’s issue and, whether or not she consciously remembers, her body remembers. I know you’ve been married a long time and are obviously hurt and angry but, maybe there’s more to it than what you are seeing. And, speaking for myself, not all women who have this type behavior are intentionally cruel, there’s a learning curve and having an understanding man would help. Have mercy.