Your husband wants another wife?!! Nope. Not happening. No way, no how.

Yes, I know that the biblical patriarchs were polygamists, but they lived in a vastly different culture and the Bible suggests over and over that the intended set-up was one husband/one wife…for life.

And yes, there is more to sex in marriage, but some people unfortunately don’t get that. It sounds like your husband could be one of them. You need to let him know that your expectations are exclusivity and that you will do whatever it takes to pursue a healthy marriage. (Note that I said “healthy,” not “whatever you or I want or demand.”) Talk to a pastor or counselor or mentor and get some wisdom on what to do.

If your husband has cheated, you also have some rebuilding to do in your marriage. Sex is SO intimate that it’s awfully hard to let down your guard that way when you’re with someone you struggle to trust. When you have that trust and giving attitude in marriage, sex is awesome! But it sounds like you two have some work to do before you get there.

Blessings! I pray for your situation.

Yes, it does, Anonymous. It is indeed painful to be rejected over and over in such an intimate way. It sounds like you two need more than just talking with each other. Perhaps you can consult a pastor or counselor.

My hearts breaks a little whenever I hear stories like this. My prayers are with you!

Katie, your husband does not need to fulfill his physical needs elsewhere. He needs to focus on something far more foundational. Physical abuse is NOT–I repeat, NOT–in God’s plan. Indeed, some scholars believe that the much-quoted passage in Malachi 2 (“I hate divorce”) includes reference to how much God also hates domestic violence.

Pursuing twisted sexual desires will not help your husband achieve balance. Rather, it will likely become more addictive. I’m so sorry, but it’s just true.

As much as I believe in sex in marriage, there are more important things like safety. And for now, he needs to shelve that libido and deal with his character.

I am praying that he will wake up. But meanwhile, you need to take whatever steps to protect yourself and your children. Talk to your pastor. Seek out Christian resources for battered women. Reach out to family if they can help. God does not intend for you to be his punching bag, and allowing him to sin against you that way isn’t helping him in the long run. Set boundaries and seek help.

I wish I could hug you. I am indeed praying.

“I have to ask if you really believe that God wants wives to allow themselves to be violated (physically, emotionally, spiritually) by having sex when they do not desire or enjoy it?” Of course not! I have not on this blog, nor will I ever, say that a wife should just shut up and put up. I say that wives should do everything possible to claim the gift of sexuality that God presents, through seeking answers and resources and communication and professional assistance and biblical study and whatever else they need.

However, you don’t have to go with what I say, or second-guess what God wants for your marriage. He’s pretty clear about it, and it does not in any way involve adultery or withholding.

Genesis 2:24
Exodus 20:14
Proverbs 5:18-19
Song of Songs 5:1, 7:10
1 Corinthians 6:9-11
1 Corinthians 7:3-5

I pray that you and your husband continue to struggle with this choice, that you make a different one in the future. Not one that involves having sex out of resentful obligation (which I do not advocate), but one in which you jointly pursue with all of your heart God’s desires for your marriage–which include exclusivity and enjoyment in sexual intimacy.

My prayers for you. Blessings!

Our situation is unconventional however, as counter intuitive as it may seem, it has actually reduced the tension in our home. I disagree with your perspective on sex in two major ways. First, marriage at it’s heart is the ultimate friendship. When we married we made a commitment to each other regardless of our circumstances. We committed to each other, to our future children and to our in-laws. Those commitments have not wavered, nor has our love or respect for one another. I don’t feel in any way unloved because he is fulfilling his sexual needs with someone else. I realize that his having an intimate relationship with someone else may weaken our relationship, but so far, it seems to have increased our appreciation of one another and lessened our stress.

Secondly, I have to ask if you really believe that God wants wives to allow themselves to be violated (physically, emotionally, spiritually) by having sex when they do not desire or enjoy it? I see so many women like me on blogs like this who say they hate sex but are trying to be “godly” and do it anyway. And the advice they often get is “fake it til you make it.” Is that really healthy for a relationship? I don’t believe so and I don’t believe that God’s vision of marriage is the pent up resentment, hostility and tension that creates. Granted, an affair isn’t God’s vision of marriage either and my husband and I struggle with that as well. So there is no easy answer but I feel so sorry for these poor wives who feel so much guilt from their husbands and for religious reasons when they are simply trying to respect their own bodies.

When people share issues like this, my typical response now is DO NOT SETTLE. Keep talking about what you want from your marital intimacy and seek out answers (from medical professionals, counselors, mentors, blogs, books, etc.). Too often, we throw up our hands and say, “Oh well!”

Spouses need to understand that if they have NO drive, that doesn’t take away the drive of their spouse. And they have an obligation to do everything in their power to not just meet those needs, but to seek out answers to awaken their bodies to what God wants us to have: deep physical intimacy in marriage.

Don’t give up, girlfriend! Pray and seek wisdom. Blessings!

Thank you for sharing your story!

Second Anon – And my heart cracks a little more. I’m so sorry for your situation and inspired by your perseverance and reliance on God. Blessings!

Great link, Jennifer! Thanks for that.