I’m heartbroken by your story. It is the unavoidable truth that you simply cannot make your spouse do something they don’t want to do. You can ask, explain, plead, beg, cajole, and even threaten, but if they don’t wanna, what then?

Ongoing refusal to have sex and to address the issue at all rises to depriving your mate of what God intended (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). That’s just wrong.

I wish that I could speak to your wife. But I also know that I’ve been unable to convince very close friends myself, so there are no guarantees.

I do not think that God is disinterested in your pain and cries for help. It’s so frustrating to pray and pray for something you know He wants you to have and not get it, but our Lord gives us free will. And that means that if getting what you desire relies on someone else, you may not get it. I will pray that God will work on her heart. I encourage you to continue being the best husband and father you can be. God is certainly paying attention and pleased with that.

Blessings!

Have I tried to lovingly say all this? YES. Letters. Quiet conversations. counseling. Never yelling, demanding or screaming. How this is just wrong, not only sexually and physically, but also spiritually. How its not only hurting me and our marriage, but also herself, and our family. How much this has hurt me, has devastated me, how it is killing my love and desire and trust for her. All on deaf ears. I have tried the spiritual approach, the scientific approach, the emotional approach, and basically it comes down to “Thats not who I am, I just don’t need it” We didn’t even have sex at all the first 16 months of our marriage. Only when she wanted to get pregnant did she finally do it, and once she was,that was it again for 18 months.

we’v been to counseling, for over a year with our pastor and his wife. We used a book that covered all aspects of marriage, 1 chapter a month (met every 2 weeks). So I was working on things too. The last chapter (13) was on sex. Our pastor and wife are, as you can imagine, just as busy as we are (3 kids, 2 had emotional/physical problems, plus running a church, etc). They had a vibrant, frequent, exciting sex life. She said to them: “Of course you’ll say sex should be frequent and varied, you’re a guy. And she’s not me.” And she refused to go back to that church.

I’ve heard it all. Too busy/tired – but not too busy for horse riding lessons, church volleyball/softball, girls night out, being a nanny (we don’t need the money), choir, VBS, etc etc. Don’t like to try new things: we do missionary and her on top – thats it. I give her OS (took me 10 years to convince her – and she orgasms well with it, too – guess I was “right” there!). I have never even gotten close to that. It took her ten years before she even stroked me with her hand.

Am I perfect? No. I do a good share of housework – I clean the bathrooms (3), scrub floors/windows, vacuum, do laundry, cook when needed. I get the kids off to school (make lunches), do bathtime/bedtime/homework. Outdoor work, maintence, etc. She wants to do something? I say “go for it”. I’m kind, affectionate, I am home every night for dinner, don’t work weekends, don’t drink,don’t do “Boys night”. I have gotten compliments from her family, friends, pastors, etc about being a good husband and father. I’ve been as affectionate as I can, offering tons of non-sexual touch. I used to give her massages several times a week, explicitly saying that I expect nothing in return – and I don’t – but after 15 years of doing that, I finally realized I was being used. I’m friendly, helpful, kind, treating her with respect at all times, putting her needs before my own.

What do I want? 4 times a week? No. Once a week. Maybe twice because its our anniversary, or valentines day, or new years, or my birthday (never had it EVER on any of those days, despite my efforts at romance). At least TRY OS. TRY an new position. If it doesn’t work (I figure it never will), then ok. At least you tried. How about a kiss goodnight every night (only 1-2 a week) or other than when I leave for work or get home (and I actually have to go find her in the house to get it) or just in front of other peopele? How about just some affection?

Since I’m a christian, I have no out. I’m in a prison that has no bars, no guards, no warden. But I’m just as trapped as any criminal, with no hope for rescue. And you know if I stray, do something stupid like have an affair or porn or whatever, I’ll be crucified by not only her but by our friends, our family, and our church. But if what she does comes out? Probably nothing – I’d probably get blamed, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Decades of praying, of begging, of crying out to God? Nothing. Decades of being kind, helpful, loving, despite the way I’ve been treated? Nothing. I’ve given up on hope, on desire, and on love.

And when you (lovingly) talk to your spouse about it, what does he/she say?

— IMAN

AGril: I disagree. I had a crappy job for YEARS and what helped me turn it into a tolerable job was having sex with my wife 4-5 time a week! And, at one point during one point of that crappy job (3 years span) I had no vacsation and worked almost every weekend.

Thank God for sex with my wife!

Over a period of time our brains and personality changes when we have regular (healthy) sex. The repeated release of chemicals in our brain boost personal confidence, alters physiological responses and most often gives an overall sense of well-being.

When oxytocin is released natural bonding occurs which bolsters security and a sense of safety & trust. All very good things.

Vasopressin, an antidiuretic hormone, is another chemical that has been associated with the formation of long-term, monogamous relationships.

Endorphins, the body’s natural painkillers, also play a key role in long-term relationships. They produce a general sense of well-being, including feeling soothed, peaceful and secure. Like dopamine and norepinephrine, endorphins are released during sex; they are also released during physical contact, exercise and other activities.

For many years I had very high stress job which required daily solutions to complex problems, usually with a flair of creativity. If it weren’t for daily passionate sex with MY WIFE, I know I would have never been successful.

The same is true of my wife, it is the norm not the exception, to see her function in her job, as a mother and mostly as as my wife at a higher, more confident person then after a few weeks of daily “multiple O’s”.

Not that I’m a sex fiends, but there have been times when we’ve had dry spells, even for a few weeks! During those times I do notice a real difference in my job performance, my emotional state and just that sense of “blah” at the world.

Can you imagine what the divorce rate would be if couples were having sex 4-5 times a week?

God bless— IMAN

Sorry. A “contact me” form is coming, just not here yet on my blog. Thanks!

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I’m rarely on facebook, but I’ll give it a try. I’ll need a little time to properly phrase my questions anyway. I wish to be as anomymous as possible about this. I don’t mind letting you know who I am if I have to, but I don’t want others that I know to know about it as it’s very personal and do worry about being judged.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. ^_^

~Lily~

P.S. Lily is not my real name. I just use it when I go to blogs and forums.

Hey, Lily, are you connected with my page on Facebook? I think you can message me there. Please give me time to respond. Sometimes my plate is super-full and I feel bad, but I just can’t reply right away.

Thinking about and praying for you!

“wealth correlates to sex”

I guess I am the exception to the rule, or is that makes the rule?

I make 110k a year, own a 4 bedroom house (and its our only debt), 3 cars, pool, my 401k is fat and happy, I have 40k in stocks, and we vacation at the beach every year.

And yet, we have sex about 6 times a year. and I can tell you flat out right now, if I won that $490 million powerball, and didn’t have to pay a single penny in taxes, it wouldn’t get any better.