Not at all, SR. You could also say, “Thank you sir, may I have another?” Either will be appreciated.
BD

Robyn,

My heart breaks to hear your story. It sounds like you want something better and have tried to get it from your marriage. When you’re at this point, almost all you can feel is the pain and the intense longing for it to stop. It’s hard to know where to turn, what to do, how there could be hope.

I am NOT a licensed counselor or psychologist. I am not an ordained minister. I am merely a Christian wife with my own story of bad-to-good relationship and a passion for lasting marriages and healthy sexual intimacy. Actually, at one point my marriage wasn’t bad…it was nearly unbearable. I wanted something better, but I couldn’t see how we could ever get there. It took some years, but we’re there.

A few things I want to point out from your comment:

1. This is the wrong time to get involved in another relationship. You have your own sense of conviction, so I won’t bang you on the head with that part. But every expert worth his salt agrees that when you’re in a terrible marriage, you need TIME — either time to work on repairing your marriage or time to grieve its loss (which should take about a year). Even if your current marriage doesn’t work out, jumping into another relationship with this long, lost friend is a bad, bad idea. And the only way to stop is to truly STOP — cut off contact and let him know you won’t be seeing or speaking with him, at least for a while. You need that clear head to deal with what’s in front of you right now. It’s too easy to imagine a perfect future with this guy who’s paying attention to you right now, and not recognize what difficulties you’d be setting yourself up for with the circumstances that spawned the relationship.

2. You’re keeping a record of wrongs with your husband. I totally understand that. Being mistreated over and over by your spouse is such a shock to the system that you almost want to catalog it to make sure you’re really seeing a pattern, that you really do have reasons to feel so abandoned and unloved. But then, even if your husband does something nice, you rebuff him because that action no longer fits into the long list of complaints you have about him. Instead, cling to those moments and look for the good. Be honest with yourself and see if there is something good there worth reviving. I suspect that you and your husband were very much in love when you married, and much of that emotion may still be there — even if it currently feels buried.

3. Find a true mentor. I don’t know how much you’ve shared with your counselor and their take on the situation. But you need someone to help you stay emotionally healthy, to coach you on setting appropriate boundaries with your husband, to walk through various scenarios of what will happen if you stay/go, etc. Perhaps you need to talk to your pastor. But use the knowledge about marriage that you’ve gained to change your own actions toward your husband, rather than pronouncing to him how he’s doing it wrong (even if he totally is). At the end of the day, you can only change yourself…but oftentimes, that change affects the whole relationship and influences your mate so that you can both heal.

4. You’re in a very tough time in life. Studies show that marital bliss actually decreases after the kids come. That middle portion of our lives when we’re working jobs; raising children; dealing with mortgages, bills, deadlines, etc.; and life is pressuring us from all directions can overwhelm a marriage. In addition, one or both of you may be dealing with depression or anxiety that isn’t likely to dissipate without some positive action. But that isn’t the end of things. Studies also show that in marriages that are very unhappy, those who stay in the relationship report a far happier situation five years down the road. Maybe some of those pressures fade, or we start to figure out how to handle them better. Maybe we get help from others. But it’s good to remember that the way it is right this moment isn’t necessarily the way it will be even a year or two later.

5. Almost all long-term, happy marriages go through deep hardship. I’m very interested in what it takes for marriages to make it 30, 40, 50 years and beyond. One of the common threads of long-term, happy marriages is that at one point or another they went through an awful time: perhaps the loss of a child, the pain of adultery, financial destruction, the threat of divorce, etc. A period of unhappiness in a long, otherwise fulfilling marriage isn’t rare. It’s par for the course. I’m not saying that all marriages can be saved, but there is hope. There is definitely hope. There are plenty of happy married couples who, once upon a time, didn’t think they would make it (my marriage included).

You have my prayers. I mourn with you, but I also hope for you. Don’t give up on getting the help you need. May God bless and keep you!

J

Thanks for the tips. I will give it a try and maybe she will too 🙂 how fun!

Thanks for the tips. I will give it a try and maybe she’ll be willing to try too 🙂

That sounded pretty good. I think you can request it just like that.

Although context is important. If she’s nervous about trying it, you might propose the idea away from the bedroom so that it doesn’t feel like it’s pressure, but rather a conversation about your sexual intimacy. Hold her hand, look her in the eyes, and express why you want her to try it. Of course, you do need to commit to the concept that if she really, truly doesn’t like it, you’ll look for other things to do together that you both enjoy; which might free her up to feel like she can give it a shot.

Also, she may not feel comfortable if she doesn’t really know what she’s doing. I wrote a post for wives on the how-tos of oral sex for him. She can get some tips there: https://hotholyhumorous.com/2012/02/oral-sex-how-to/. Swallowing, in particular, can be off-putting to some women. So give her permission to have an alternate plan, at least the first time out. Some wives grow to enjoy that experience; others don’t but are still willing to engage in oral sex for him.

Best wishes! And enjoy whatever intimacy you have with your lovely wife.