Daily Archives: December 2, 2013

The One Sex Tip I Give Husbands Over and Over

I was thinking about advice I’ve given to husbands over the course of this blog. I seem to give one particular sex tip over and over and over . . .

What is that tip? What is the one practical idea that would help a husband engage his wife more fully in the bedroom? It’s simple really. Two words. Here they are.

slow down.

Admittedly, this isn’t the end-all-be-all advice for satisfying sexual intimacy in your marriage. But men, it’s a good start. And it covers a lot of bases.

Slow down the start-up. Romance isn’t something that only happened way back when you had a full head of hair and your wife was maybe a size smaller. Women want to be pursued and wooed throughout your relationship.

A husband would be wise to take his time and expend a good amount of effort on shared activities, romantic gestures, embraces and cuddles, lovey-dovey talk, and kissing. Write your wife a love note. Ask her to slow dance with you in the living room. Yes, bring her flowers — if she likes that kind of thing. Sure, we wise women know you eventually want to make it to the bedroom, but we also want to know that you still enjoy the other mushy-gushy stuff. So slow down when it comes to the start-up.

Slow down the build-up. Typically a man can go from ho-ho-hum to hey-baby-I’m-ready! in about three seconds flat. Just have his wife walk by naked, maybe even jiggle a little, and his body screams YES! But God, perhaps in an effort to stretch and grow us, created men and women to be different.

Most wives need a while to heat up. Your wife may need time to plant the notion of sex in her brain, check off those items on her to-do list that absolutely must get done (like tucking kids in bed), and even prepare herself physically and/or mentally for sexual intimacy. She needs time to switch gears from overwhelmed mommy to hot mama. Just because she isn’t in the mood right this very second doesn’t mean she can’t get in the mood, but she may require a slower build-up.

Slow down the work-up. (Hey, I’m sticking with the “up” theme.) Foreplay. I’ll say it again: Foreplay. Yeah, it’s important for most women. It’s not that we don’t enjoy the sex itself, but our brains have to be aroused and our bodies stimulated to readiness. And that may take a while. Or at least longer than it takes the average husband.

We ladies can shortcut some of this with personal lubricant or jumping right to our favorite moves or positions, but if we can draw it out…well, why not? Why rush? So hubbies should move slow, spending ample time kissing, touching, stroking, and stimulating their wives. Take time to get her worked up.

Slow down the “sex-me-up.” You know what rocks? Slow sex. (Okay, fine, I like fast sex too, but still . . . ) The point is that a husband can draw out his wife’s pleasure by thrusting into his wife at increasing speed . . . and then slowing down for a while. Plus, slowing down intercourse helps the husband to hold off on his climax for a while in hopes that his wife can get there too.

If you’re interested in trying to reach simultaneous orgasm, slowing down may be needed to coordinate that timing. Also, if you finish first, you don’t have to stop! Keep the sexual encounter going until your wife is satisfied with her experience. Regardless, she may want you to slow down the sex, so that she can fully appreciate the sensations.

Slow down the clean-up. When the party’s over, there’s the clean-up, right? I recently wrote about the importance of afterglow, and it does matter. After you’re both sated, you may feel just done, ready to shut off the lights, and — let’s face it — fall asleep. She may even want to shift gears quickly to cleaning up the sheets and herself. But wait…slow down.

Whether it’s immediately, or after a trip to the bathroom, take some time to savor one another. Gather your wife into your arms and let her know how much she and your physical intimacy mean to you. In Song of Songs 5:1, the Lover (husband) expresses his post-sex satisfaction: “I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice. I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk.” You can dispense with references to myrrh and honeycomb, but expressing a similar delight is not a bad idea — you know, something like “I’ve come into our messy bedroom, my bride. I’ve gathered sugar and spice. I’ve eaten apple pie and ice cream; I’ve drunk my Red Bull and sweet tea.” Yep, slow things down afterward too and keep those feelings of intimacy going. That somethin’ extra-extra also makes an investment for the next time you come together sexually.

So that’s the one practical sex tip for husbands I come back to again and again: Slow. Down.

Now, ladies, what do you think? In what way do you wish your hubby would slow things down? And men, of course you’re welcome to pipe up! Share what you think.