The pain is so raw in your comment. Of course I don’t condone what you’re doing. It’s not going to lead somewhere good. But it seems rather obvious by how you talk about it that you know you shouldn’t have a girlfriend on the side. It isn’t fair to you, your wife, or the girlfriend.

I’ve talked on my blog about what might have changed my own behavior when I was sexually sinning, and the question for me would have been “What If?” As in…What if you could have good sex with your wife? What if by waiting a little longer, by renewing your commitment to her, by remaining faithful, you knew you would eventually get what you desire? What if? Because I honestly think that’s what you want, but you just don’t know HOW that could ever happen given your current situation.

Please don’t give up on her yet. And take an attitude of helping her through the sexual problems…because she clearly has some major misunderstandings or hang-ups about sex. Something may have happened in her past or the way she feels about herself or how she feels about you two. She may even have a sense that you’re going elsewhere, even if she doesn’t admit it to you or herself, that’s contributing to her putting up barriers. I don’t know what the issue is, but I’d be she’s hurting too.

Do the hard thing. Stick it out. Be there for her. See what happens. Trust God.

I’m rooting for you both! And praying. Definitely praying.

Thanks for openly sharing your story.

I’m so very sorry, Tom. I pray that her heart changes and your sexual intimacy can be reborn.

Maybe some cognitive behavioral therapy is in order? You are not the only one who hears these voices. Not just in connection to sex, but lots of things. It’s called disordered thinking. Pushing them away/ ignoring them is a good step. Figuring out what kind of thinking it is, why it is disordered and intentionally replacing it with ordered/ helpful thinking/ gospel truth is even more effective. It takes time to retrain your brain though.

S.P.,
Honesty is your best choice. Confess your earlier sin and selfishness to your husband. “I was wrong to reject you sexually you and make excuses for it. I know I must have really hurt you. Please forgive me. I’d like to start over and learn how to love and respect you as a man and as a lover.” Then make him an offer he can’t refuse. 😉
I would suggest a night away at a hotel or Bed and Breakfast for just the two of you. Are there any good marriage retreats or conferences you could attend together?
Give him some opportunities to regain his confidence. We are incredibly insecure creatures underneath the exterior. When we get rejected (or disrespected) we tend to stop going to the source of the pain as a method of self-defense. It may take quite awhile to undo the hurt and rebuild the trust and confidence. So make sure any attempts to “make a move” on his part are successful. That doesn’t mean you have to jump in the sack right away every time. “Not right this minute, but give me some time to get ready for you” or “How about later this evening?”is a success–as long as you follow through. Find a way to let him know you appreciate his attempts (not in a corny, mommy sort of way, however).
You need to have some meaningful communication with your husband. If he has lost interest in you sexually, then there are a few possible reasons. It could be a physical problem (if he is in his early 30’s that seems a bit young to need testosterone boosting medication). It could be a sin problem (he may have chosen to find a way to make up for your rejection by using porn, which diminishes a man’s interest in real sex as God designed it. Porn creates unreal sexual expectations and then causes shame and guilt which destroy intimacy). It could be a mental or emotional problem (he can’t get beyond the previous rejection because he feels insulted or belittled). He could be hanging on to anger or bitterness (another sin reason) which will destroy intimacy.
The good news, is that there is real hope for any of these reasons. The gospel of Jesus Christ is all about redeeming EVERY area of our lives. But you both will need to seek God’s help and be honest with each other. Each of you has to own your part in this and offer forgiveness and grace to each other.
I suggest snuggling up next to him when he is watching something on T.V. he enjoys–the kind of snuggling that makes your kids look away…. Drop him a note once in a while letting him know how much you appreciate him. Model respect for him to your kids. Make sure he (and his ideas) is valued more than parents or friends.
If you have a godly pastor you may need some biblical problem solving help.
I will pray right now for both of you.

I think there are plenty of reasons why a man might not desire sex that are unrelated to testosterone levels. If a man is without drive, I would suggest he get his T-levels checked, if for no other reason than to rule it out.

But low drive can occur due to low testosterone, high stress, poor sexual history or examples (as you mentioned here), and much more.

Are you sure about this? My husband and I are very open with each other and have no problem talking about sex with in our marriage. He confesses he’s not interested enough in sex to think about it at all. He’ll enjoy it when we do have it, but never thinks about it outside the bedroom unless it’s in his schedule and he knows he has to prepare himself mentally for it later on. The result is he has to keep track on his calendar when we do it so he makes sure I’m getting what I need in our marriage. (I know it doesn’t sound romantic, but he loves me so much that he’s really trying and that is VERY romantic.) I’ve asked about his levels and his response was he never had an interest in sex, so unless you can be born with low levels he doesn’t think that’s the problem. In fact he wouldn’t call it a problem, more that he has a healthier view about sex than most men. I know it’s more of an unhealthy view brought on by his Dad having affairs when he was younger and him not wanting to turn out like him that he built a wall up so high against sex that I’m just now starting to be able to peak over it, but my point is that some times there may be other reasons, but if what your saying is true I’m sure we’ll both be open to getting his levels checked. Is there any research on this? Thanks!

Second the motion.