It is different if she rarely or ever has orgasms. We as guys try to obsess sometimes about making our wives have orgasms, when the reality is, they have to want to have them too. It is her body, and she has to be comfortable with it, and confront whatever issues she has that may be stopping her from having orgasms.

Some women take it out on their husbands, who make a valiant effort, and even try to talk to them about changing techniques, or atmosphere for sex, but at a certain point the responsibility for a woman having an orgasm lies with her(assuming her husband has made a good effort to try and help her).

If would estimate that my wife has a good orgasm, maybe 5 times a year, all the rest of the year she simply just can’t do it because she has such hard time letting herself go. Lord willing, God can help her with her anxiety and other issues about sexuality.

I admit that I question anyone who says things like “you can have over-the-top orgasms every single time!” and then gives you the how-to. Sure, there could be some great tips in there. However:

(1) there’s a lot happening on any given day that could mess with the equation — like changing hormones, mental and emotional stress, physical difficulties, etc.
(2) it sets up the notion that the goal of sex is over-the-top orgasms — which, while I’m all for over-the-top orgasms, seems to draw the focus away from mutual intimacy and toward self-satisfying pleasure.
(3) it sets a couple up for disappointment if it doesn’t happen at a particular time — rather than the two enjoying whatever pleasure and intimacy they achieve in any lovemaking session.

I believe that couples who focus on mutual sexual pleasure, deep intimacy, and reveling in their sexual activities will probably have plenty of amazing experiences and orgasms. Have fun searching the “Holy Grail” if you want, but remember to enjoy the journey! As for myself, I began having more frequent and consistent (and yeah, over-the-top sometimes) orgasms when I just got caught up and let go in our lovemaking.

Best wishes!

P.S. If you want a biblical example of how this works, read through Song of Songs (aka Song of Solomon). That godly couple revels in the whole kit-and-caboodle!

This is a very interesting question. How marvelous that you get so much pleasure that your body responds with such incredible orgasms! That said, I found this summary intriguing: “I want the gourmet dessert every time, not just the store bought brownie.”

Plenty of wives have a variety of orgasmic experiences in sex — sometimes short, sometimes long, sometimes multiple, sometimes none — and enjoy sex throughout. What makes their sex great, even when the orgasms vary?

I suspect when you focus on that physical high so much, you can lose interest in the other deeply intimate and emotionally pleasurable parts of the sexual act. I don’t think the other stuff is “store bought brownie” (although I’ll totally eat a store bought brownie). It’s all gourmet — just maybe not all dessert.

You can try to achieve that incredible orgasmic experience every time, and likely experience some disappointment, or you can find ways to refocus on other area as well. Maybe one time you can concentrate on the pleasure you’re bringing him and find genuine enjoyment in the effect you have on his body; maybe you can learn to treasure his loving touch for the way it awakens your skin, whether or not it brings you to climax; maybe you can think more intently about the connection and friction when you come together in intercourse, concentrating on how he feels inside you.

I simply don’t think there’s a sure trick for getting a certain level of orgasm Every. Single. Time. Couples get better and better at it with practice and intention; however, there are too many other factors involved, like hormones that particular day or changes in how he interacts with you or where your brain is taking you. Thus, I suspect the more realistic, and ultimately more satisfying, goal is to be purposeful in discovering all the different aspects of sexual intimacy you enjoy with your husband and then reveling in that.

Just a quick reply since I am short on time this moment. Are you dissatisfied with nightly dinners when they are not sumptuous restaurant meals or of the Thanksgiving and Christmas variety, or do you find them to fulfilling most of the time? I feel somewhere in that analogy may be the path to an answer. I REALLY understand how everyone would want that all the time, but is the last one going to be as good as the one before or the next one to come (pun)? Without the “lesser” orgasms, what is your frame of reference to how “great” the sheet-grasping, back-clawing, toe-clenching, “Oh, God,” screaming orgasm is.

We have mutually came many times. He is good at manual clitoral stimulation. I would like more oral, but am really self conscious about receiving. But I thought I was having pretty regular orgasms for most of our marriage.

However, three times in the past six months, I have had the most incredible orgasms in my life. They were so intense, so incredible, they brought tears of joy while I came. Literally, I thought it was weird at first, but you can’t control how your body responds to that intensity. I have since read that many sex experts consider there to be three levels of orgasm, with very few people achieving level three.

My problem is now average orgasms leave me disappointed after sex. I want that incredible level three feeling every time, and it doesn’t usually happen.

I want to enjoy sex without feeling disappointed. I don’t even know if I could get one every time or if hormonal certain times of the month are more conductive for clitoral pleasure, lubrication, etc.

I want the gourmet dessert every time, not just the store bought brownie. How can I get over the mental block that brownies are okay, too?

Hi, Pondering. I am in the same boat as you. All my hormone testing came back normal for estrogen and such. I have been married 4 years and haven’t had an orgasm. While I grew up hearing the poisoning lies the culture teaches about sex (men are animals, women are the gatekeepers, sex is mostly about getting pleasure, etc.) I don’t think that I have a fear of orgasm. In fact, I would LOVE to experience it. I don’t agree with masturbation, so when my husband and I got married, I hadn’t done any solo exploration prior to marriage. We’ve explored together, but nothing feels all that great. There have been times when I’ve felt something that seems to be good, but all of a sudden it’s painful or it goes away. Awesome – so frustrating! I’d love to get beyond this, but all I ever read when pursuing how to more easily achieve an orgasm is “the woman needs to show the husband how to do this.” Well, what if I don’t have a clue, and all the basics that are often suggested don’t do it? Perhaps I’m not being patient enough? I would love some actual tips on how to help let the orgasm happen. There have been times throughout our marriage that I’ve just given up trying, but then I get motivated again to try to make it work. Here’s hoping someone can offer advice to help.

Thanks for answering! I appreciate it. I’m actually having my hormones tested for a whole host of health issues I’ve had this year (coincidentally, our first year of marriage), so maybe something IS up. Other doc exams have come back perfectly normal. I’m going to continue to pray about sexual intimacy…although my head understands that God created it and it’s good, maybe it’s something my heart/body hasn’t fully accepted yet. Thanks again for commenting and for your helpful blog.