I don’t think Song of Songs is linear in the same way the historical books of the Old Testament are. It’s poetic literature, so there’s some license with sequence. The vast majority of scholars have concluded this is a married couple engaging in sexual acts. I agree.

We entered our second marriage with the good experiences of the first. We each knew how to sexually give pleasure and to receive pleasure, whether by genital intercourse, masturbation, or oral stimulation. The important thing is the willingness to give pleasure to the spouse, period.

My wife has enjoyed receiving oral sex and giving it, just as I have. There were times when we have used oral sex for birth control.

In later years, she has not had as much vaginal secretion as when she was younger. The lack of secretion makes her more vulnerable to bladder infections due to our oral bacteria.

With this said, cleanliness is important. Wash your hands, brush your teeth, wash your groin area.

In recent years, my staying power has increased to the point that I seldom have an orgasm during intercourse. When she is satisfied after one, two or three orgasms, she rolls me off and finishes me with oral sex. I am deeply appreciative and satisfied. Her eyes sparkle knowing what she has given to me. Her lighthearted teasing at later times reveals her comfort with our sexuality.

In regard to these many posts about fluids, I can say that we have taken a very simple view. Our secretions are an outpouring of our excitement and pleasure. You should enjoy that flow while you have it. Feel it, smell it, taste it, revel in it, and recognize it for the pleasure that it brings. These are the good memories you will have as you get older. They will carry you along as your libido diminishes.

Ecclesiastes 11 & 12 put age into perspective. These verses in the Living Bible describe the young man forgetting about his creator, while the old man drags along without sexual desire.

The Song of Solomon gives us youthful images of a bounding sexual life. The images provide us with metaphors of lips dripping with milk and honey, with fragrances, fruits, springs, and fountains. Whatever you do, do not miss the significance of these metaphors. They are not coincidental.

You should put away your silly images and idols, and whole-heartedly partake in the realities of life to enjoy what God has created for us.

I know I have and am thankful.

In all honesty, if my husband demanded a sexual activity that continually resulted in pain for me, I wouldn’t participate. Yes, you should not deprive your husband of sexual intimacy, but I’d be clear about my feelings on this one: “I really love to give you this, but it hurts me the way you do this. I know it’s difficult for you to control your desire to have more or deeper or whatever, but it’s actually painful to me. If I feel that pain, I’m going to have to stop. When you can let me be more involved in how this activity goes, I’ll gladly participate.”

Also, if sex talk is often an argument in your house, get away from the house and discuss it calmly. Ask what he wants your sexual intimacy to look like — not as a list of complaints, but “what would a great sex life look like?” Take time to listen to him and give his feelings validation. You don’t have to agree with everything he says or go along with every suggestion he makes, but that can start the conversation in the right direction.

Many blessings!

My thoughts? Honestly, you two need to go to marriage counseling. It doesn’t sound like he’s taken full responsibility for what he did, and you have a lot of bitterness about it. I strongly encourage you to find a Christian marriage counselor in your area, tell him you want to go together, and then go whether or not he accompanies you. At the very least, you can work through your own perspective. (Oh, and a tip: Treat your life like you’d treat your car; if the first mechanic/counselor isn’t helping, keep searching until you find someone who can help fix/heal the problems.)

As for holding back on certain sex acts because he did them elsewhere, what if that thing had been intercourse? Would that mean no more sex…ever? And if you believe the genital herpes is suppressed enough for sex to happen, how does the mouth change things? I’m just wondering… Of course, I totally understand your feelings! After any form of adultery, many spouses have to establish some boundaries to cope before they can jump back in. I just think you two need to work together to move toward healing, trust, and intimacy. You might start by fostering your friendship and your romance.

I ache for you. And I’m praying for you. Blessings!